iGoddess

i'm taking it back

2011-10-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

in my quest to inject massive amounts of Funkalicious awesomeness back into my life and stage a r[E]volution in my own life, i've been throwing my own version of what boho mom calls a "feng shui tantrum."

i decided that in order to focus more on abundance and gratitude, i had to focus on what it was that i had so much of in my life that i could give it away with joy and love. you cannot give what you do not have, so rather than focus on the lack of things in my life, i'm focusing on what i have to give away.

in this, i've begun sorting through all of my possessions --and even Little Owl's-- and am parceling away 10% to give away. if i'm so lucky and fortunate and blessed to have more to give away, then give it away i shall. i've been going through my books, clothes, movies, baby clothes, toys, and even my time. i'm giving it away.

today i found a piece of paper hiding at the bottom of a huge bin of clothes i was sorting out. it goes to show just how long it's been since i truly went through the whole thing with more than just a cursory sift to find something i wanted. i've been sitting on a wealth of stuff! lucky me, i was able to give away half that bin. i'm excited!

but even more than that, i had to share this. it's beautiful, and i think it was just waiting for a reemergence at the right time. it was the proto-Temple, the place before the Menstrual Temple of the Funk Grail...

by the sacred power inherent in the very blood, bones, and breath of every Woman here, this is now sacred space. the ground beneath our feet holy ground. this is our place, the blessed womb of the goddess.

She of Ten Thousand Names stands with us, and each of us is Goddess. therefore begone all you insidious voices that poison our goddess hearts! begone the voices which laugh at us, which call us worthless and stupid. silence, you voices who whisper we are ugly, or fat, or lazy, or foolish! we shall not listen to your hateful lies one moment more, for we are Goddess! beautiful and wise and filled with the holy blood of woman, so that we shine as a beacon for our sisters who are lost in the darkness those voices create!

our circle is cast. that which glorifies not the sacred feminine shall not enter!

so the fuck mote it be!

this was written in 2002. i might've been trapped in a lot, but the proto-Temple was in my heart already.

it always was, i think.

love thine enemy

2011-10-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

when i sit down to do my pilates and yoga exercises every day, i rest my hands on my knees and close my eyes, take a deep breath, and just spend a minute in stillness.

it's a minute meditation, but it helps to keep me connected to my intuition. for that, for me, is where i hear God. and if i didn't spend that moment reminding myself to remain steadfastly in touch with my intuition, then i would soon forget what it's like to hear God when She speaks. the Divine Wow is always laughing, but sometimes that laughter is as soft as a fall breeze soughing through the treetops, or as gentle as the sweet breath of a sleeping baby.

if you're not careful, you can miss it. i know i do.

a lot.

so last week i was sitting, breathing, and saying hello to the Funkalicious Jive. i had just finished posting a comment in my latest class (Cognitive, Socioemotional, and Developmental Lifespan Psychology) and someone had tossed out an underhanded insult about my answer to a particular question from our professor. my answer was respectful, genteel, and --for those who know me, or have any edge to their social skills-- was mightily cutting. not the deep cut of a brutal insult, but the long and shallow kind that burns.

she really got under my skin. my satisfaction didn't outweigh my irritation at even being insulted like i was, so when i came to say my hellos to the Multiversal Jiggy Snake, my feathers were somewhat ruffled.

"i know, i know," i said. "we are all One, so insulting her is to insult myself. but really, she asked for it."

"now, you know that's not true," said the Funkalicious Jive.

"must you remind me? okay, i know. compassion would not have said what i said. we are all One, so i could have bowed and accepted her answer with love and understanding that she met my statements within her abilities and understanding. and i know you once said to love my enemies, but--"

*grin* "yes?"

"oh holy crap, really? REALLY? it's that simple?" i broke into a wide smile. "THAT is why we must love our enemies! because we are all One, and our enemy is ourself!"

"you got it, cupcake!"

it isn't that we should love our neighbor as ourselves in the sense that we should only treat them the way we want to be treated because "karma" might take it out of our hides one day in the future. this is not some philosophical exercise, but an exercise in physical truth. not that we shouldn't extend the consideration, gentleness, and compassion to others that we want to see in our own lives; we should. it only makes sense.

but no. it's deeper than that. it's not treat them like you'd treat yourself. We Are All One. we treat OURSELVES as we would treat ourselves!

the universe is all energy. we are that same energy condensed to a slow vibration. so is our enemy. that same energy. everything from the air we breathe to the phantasmagorically fantastic solar explosions of the smallest sun in the furthest corner of the wildest reaches of the universe. the rocks, the chair you're sitting in at your computer, the loving pet sitting at your feet, the bird that just flew right into your window.

everything.

there is no beginning, and there is no end. it is all energy along a spectrum. and all energy is merely the soul of God, encompassing the universe of which we are all a part. if you were to take all that energy and speed it up to the same vibration, there would be no differentiating between a human body and a dust mote. it is all the same. it is all One.

we are all One.

i can reach out and touch my lover, and i can feel the energy between us. it is the same energy. our souls mingle in that touch, our auras combine. we share that willingly. all interaction is an exchange of energy. all energy is soul of Goddess.

the soul houses and safeguards the body. we are the body: the body of the universe, the body of the Funkalicious Jive. and the body cannot be divided against itself. all parts work together in a cohesive whole.

we are all One.

i must treat my enemy as i would treat myself, for indeed, i am.

we are all One.

for you, boho

2011-10-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

my lovely, amazing, brilliant, creative, genuine ingenious bohippian Funkmaster...

i tried to leave you a comment, but blogger is a bitch and says that my response cannot exceed 4,096 characters. i know! the nerve! i thought that, too. sheesh.

so i thought i'd put it here. i mean, there was no way in hell i was going to break it up into two comments, or -gasp!- try to EDIT. hell no.

i love you.

--

I feel your pain, my Funkalicious Divamaster. I feel your sorrow, your despair, your confusion, your sense of responsibility overwhelming you.

My own Funkmobile's been sitting since I was 5mos pregnant. So I *get* it. And my bio-dad's been regularly sending me money, so I get *that*, too. I do.

I love you. I admire, respect, and celebrate you. You know I do. =) So this is all from a place of love and sisterhood from the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail.

You say, "Can we ever gain control of the circumstances that we face?" The answer is yes. You say you subscribe to "thoughts become things," yet still see some aspects of your life as happening *to* you. Remember: We Are All One. It is all One. It is not, "Some thoughts become things." It is, "Thoughts become things.

All of them. I have had to learn this, too. Now I have embraced my role and have changed it.

I'm not suggesting you're not taking responsibility for your life, and all that's in it. You are. Amazingly. Strongly. Confidently. Willingly. ...But not happily.

I know you're familiar with energy work. Our thoughts are part of the energy of the Universe; this is basic. Somewhere, as you focus so hard on hating poverty and resenting it and struggling with it, you are telling the Universe, "I struggle with poverty!" And the Universe says, "Yes! You do!" And since your focus is there, that must be what you want more of.

Sweetheart, you are swimming in abundance in so many, many ways. Begin with gratitude for them. You know what they are. They feed your soul, give you joy, bring you delight. They lift your spirits, give you a sense of freedom and success and pride. Great!

Begin there. If you're sick of poverty, realize it no longer serves you. Thank it for the lessons it has taught you about life, yourself, your creativity and ingenuity. Just bow and thank it for its lessons. Then, without even saying farewell (because you don't need to expend that energy on it), while still in the spirit of gratitude, turn toward those things you have in abundance.

See the abundance. Thank the Universe, the Goddess, the Great Multiversal Jiggy Snake, whoever you want to. Thank yourself, too, because you participated!

Focus on them. List them out if you must. Whatever works for you, do it. Then focus on that. Go about your life because you must, but don't put energy into it. Just do it, and trust your muscle memory. But focus on the gratitude and abundance. Start there.

It is better to give than to receive? Well, we cannot give what we do not have ourselves. And my dear, no matter what level of government-defined 'poverty' you've been at, if you look back at your life, there has always been money. When you needed it, there has always been enough. Somehow. You eat, you keep your hatchling fed, housed, clothed, and loved. Sure, it might be through help, but there is always money.

Trust that. In fact, your thoughts have made it so. You say, "We'll get by...somehow." Now those thoughts can be more formed, more disciplined. Know with confidence there is always money when you look. Because it's true! Keep that thought. Build upon it.

You have a car. You have transportation. These two thoughts are true. You keep the disconnect in your head because you say, "I can't drive my car," and the Universe says, "You're right! You can't!" Learn to meld your two truths together: you have a car, and you have transportation. You are able to get where you want to go. There is always money. You have tremendous abundance.

Keep the focus. Build it. And gratitude. Always gratitude. And joy. The Universe hears. "Before you have asked, I will have already answered." It just takes a little time because we are in the realm where energy moves at a slower vibration, and we exist inside of Time. It will take time, but just be grateful because you *know* it is already arriving.

Check yourself when you begin thinking, "GAH! It's taking forever to get here!" The Universe will hear and say, "You're right! It is taking forever!" and it will.

We are moving through time. Your abundant life is here, now. Your working, insured vehicle is also there. It exists. You are moving closer toward it through time. Simply Know it Is, already. Smile knowingly, feel gratitude for it, and focus on your abundance. There is always money. Your hatchling is always provided for.

And you, my lovely dear, are always going to be all right. =)

Because you are. And I am grateful. =)

some new philosophy

2011-10-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

lots been happening here.

lots.

i didn't forget this blog right after posting that i would be back. honest. i just had to find my groove.

i won't go into everything here in detail because that would be counterproductive. needless to say, my life felt like it was lopped off at the knees and i was dragging around bloody stumps for a long time. especially after i had been Delena of the Funkywild here for so long, it was a long way to fall.

i got over it.

the thing about being dedicated to the Funkywild and being an initiate in the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail, no matter how far the fall (or the illusion of falling), there is beauty in the barren and treasure in the trash. we learn from pain and pleasure, both. we poke fear in the eye and blow it a kiss. it might take a week to forget the Funkywild and nearly two years to muster the saucy daring to give fear that poke in the eye, but we do.

i'm also coming out here --lastly here, sadly, since once upon a time here would have been the first place this would have been announced-- about the eating disorder i've lived with for the past 18 years. i'm in the "eating disorder not otherwise specified" category, because i always fit neatly into my pre-assigned box.

but instead of denying it, i felt extremely embarrassed and overwhelmed, but it made sense to me. then i started taking responsibility for it and decided to change it. just coming clean about it and letting people know has added a lot of confidence. there's been a lot of support from a few very key people i know i can always talk to. and every day i make healthy choices, which in turn makes me want to make healthier choices the next day, and to continue my momentum. when i have to, i vent to people i know will not judge and will let me vent and then help put my head back on straight.

this, too, helps a lot. i think half my difficulty in this arena came simply because i pushed it all down in some tiny little black well inside of me.

it's all coming to light, baby. i am coming to Light.

my mission here on this planet is becoming clearer, and i'm getting a better sense of what i want to do. it's still vague, but rather than feeling frustration as i have this huge well of passion and excitement with no idea where to direct it, i know i want to live in a manner which brings the Funkalicious Jive to everyone in the world.

because we are all one.

We Are All One.

i said this to someone special today: "how silly we humans are, caught in bonds of our own making, placing arbitrary values on concepts of our own invention."

we are not the drama, but merely the players, and our costumes change as often as our minds. we are not the characters, we are the authors. our pain and rules and convention and propriety and money and minutes and deadlines and obstacles are as real as a stage magic trick; all illusion. we've assigned it meaning, and we can un-assign it meaning, or reassign, or substitute. power is as limitless as imagination, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

i sit and think about this and could almost burst apart with absolute joy. i share my truth and my self, and someone takes me by the hand and loves it so much they run with it. their enthusiasm takes me along with it, and together we feed that excitement of new exploration until the synergy has the infinite energy of perpetual motion and the gravity well draws us both together. and together we create. and in creating we become. and in becoming we create...

some new philosophy, indeed. i think i'll call it Love.

memories, dreams, and reflections

2011-05-09T02:55:00.000-07:00

a while ago, i figured that this blog had seen its last and it was time to retire it. after all, i didn't have the time anymore to sit and listen to my subconscious and, really, to be quite honest i'd never seen nor heard hide nor hair of a baby in the Menstrual Temple of the Funky Grail.

not to mention i was planning on starting up a parenting blog, and i tend to drop the F-bomb on this blog quite often when it fits. when i'm in a pique, i tend to drop F-nuclear-bombs. sometimes five times in a sentence when i'm really on a roll.

and F-bombs are quite unbecoming of a crunchy, modern aboriginal mama.

however, i miss this blog. thank you, good-bye, end of story.

i.

miss.

this.

blog.

waitwait...

i.

miss.

this.

fucking.

blog.

so i'm bringing it back. i miss listening to myself. i miss my authentic self.

so it took me nine months to be reduced to physical survival. that'll happen when pregnancy nearly kills both you and the baby. fevers approaching 105 degrees, losing 35 pounds in a trimester because morning sickness decided to turn into life-threatening hyperemesis gravidarum, passing out in the kitchen, being too weak to form a sentence, emergency room visits every week. last time i had a baby, i died bringing him into the world.

a whopping ninety seconds of afterlife. gestating just doesn't agree with me. like orange juice right after brushing your teeth. or like my tia nena's baked beans.

so i can see where my heretofore rich inner life and practicing pronoia could get pushed to oblivion as i tried to just bring Little Owl to term. and then came being mama. i've been mama, diving headlong into babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, sewing diapers, learning how to do everything one-handed because Little Owl refuses to exist anywhere but on my hip as I go about housework.

i love being a mom. well, i love being Little Owl's mom. but i think i'm finally lifting my head back up to see the rest of my life in perspective. babybabybabybaby doesn't occupy my every thought, waking or sleeping, any longer.

i miss being me. i miss baking and singing and writing and visiting the Menstrual Temple. i miss my inner Funk, pronoia, and eating frogs. i miss kicking my Inner Flaming Narcissist right in the ass. i miss sneaking out at night, pomegranate priestesses, and going sacred cow-tipping. i miss brushing my hair, brezsny-on-the-blog, and mexican food.

so the blog is back. or, rather, i'm back on the blog. expect some redecorating here in the next few weeks, maybe. this place might no longer be called iGoddess, either. not sure. not that i'm not still an iGoddess --because i am-- but iGoddess has always been about memories, dreams, and reflections. (thank you, Jung, my hero)

welcome.

welcome to weirdness, dreams, questions, observations, and F-bombs.

welcome.

been a while...

2010-09-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

yeah, it's been a while. life got kinda crazy and overwhelming, and quite frankly perhaps i needed the lesson in humility. for some reason i've always believed i had to do it all, be it all, know it all.

no mistakes.

you should see it: the apartment's a mess, my finances are a mess, my mind is a mess. i'm working full time, schooling full time, mothering full time.

i'm sewing cloth diapers, getting into investing, and rejoining these crazy people here. yeah, like i ever knew when to quit, right?

but just look at that face! doesn't she just make you want to go back out and live life to the crazy fullest?

or this one?

it's never like in the movies!

2010-03-14T00:59:00.000-08:00

oi vey. pregnancy always seems so beautiful and polite with little windows of opportunity for comedy to make a cameo appearance, and everyone's always so helpful and chivalric totally on board.

yeah, pfft! movies and sitcoms can kiss my [bleep!]

no matter how they word it in those pregnancy books (and yes, i bought one this time around), nothing quite describes "discomfort" like the lovely adjectives and phrases that now decorate my midwife's file like "freshly kicked-in-the-crotch feeling" and "itchy, burning nipples. no! not just irritated, but freakin' burning-like-sulfur-rounds-on-a-vampire burning nipples!" or, my particular favorite, "guano loco" (used to describe the state to which so many of these uncomfortable sensations drive me on a daily basis).

i'm juuuuust shy of five months, and i'm finally beginning to show. it's about freakin' time, yet on the other hand even that teenie pulling of gravity on a distending abdomen is making my lower back guano loco.

and i'm so sick of peeing!

i sent a text to my baby daddy (yes, i said it!) earlier tonight stating "the little bundle of chaos apparently thinks post-mealtime is trampoline time. YOUR kid."

him: "aww, takes after me already."

me: *saw my life flash before my eyes*

it's been fun, the last eight weeks or so, playing the "feel the fluttertwitch" game. considering how completely horizontal and still i've been (yay puking! funfunfun!) since way early, i felt the baby way earlier than anyone believed, but it was definitely not my body making some of those twitches. now it's much more noticeable, of course, but i'm finally starting to feel a bit better so i'm able to be up and around a bit (a bit) more, so i'm not noticing them as often. but this kid, omg! this kid is a super bouncy ball and my womb is one of those obnoxious plastic inflatable jumping gyms. especially after i eat.

remember these? kangaroo balls? yeah. i swear, the kid thinks that my bladder is one of them. and has a BLAST with it, apparently.

li'l brat.

can't you tell i'm loving being pregnant? lol in all honesty, i'm incredibly thankful that i'm able to enjoy at least some of being pregnant this time around. i can totally live without the puking, and it can stop at any time now. it totally has my permission. but other than the puking, the dry heaves, the dizziness, the low blood sugar, low blood pressure, and crap endurance, it's not all that bad.

though the term guano loco is still applied liberally every day...

couldn't've said it better

2010-02-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

You might call it spiritual logistics, Delena, but sometimes you have to move away, to get closer.

Or you might just call it weird.

Either way, it helps to remember it from time to time.
Tallyho,
The Universe

(And while we're at it, Delena, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was there all along.)

i swear, i couldn't have said it better. sometimes i think "succinct" is a gift...and it's one i don't have. today's note from the universe summed up the last few days. you wouldn't believe (or maybe you would?) how many people asked me in that tone of voice why on earth i was trying to fix things with the ex-bf and be a family, especially when i really want so very badly to be a single mom.

the answer, "because i believe in living compassionately and making the difficult-yet-right choices," didn't really make sense without context, but if there's one thing that i'm not, it's succinct.

so i think it's a gift.

this Note says it all. putting my faith in distance, demonstrating that i'm not just "full of talk" but am more than ready and willing to do whatever's necessary to protect my child(ren), yet also willing to put my faith in compassion isn't easy, but it's the right thing to do.

and it paid off. it was a nerve-wracking two days and nights, and i swear to all the gods i can think of, there were a couple of times when abortion honestly looked like the only solution (i'm not kidding). but compassion finally outlasted his cynicism.

it wasn't at all beautiful. it came about because i had finally realized that as soon as i dropped the ex-bf off at his apartment, i was going to call up my dr's office and make an appointment for an abortion. the peace talks had failed, and his verbal abuse and threats wouldn't stop. when i say that it was the only sane choice, believe me when i say i am not kidding.

the prospect made me so sad that i couldn't help showing it (damn those pregnancy hormones!) , and it was the simple fact that i was actually crying that finally made him stop and rethink a few things. (this only really carries weight if you know beforehand that i am not the type to cry even when i'm entitled to, and that despite the roller coaster and struggle this whole time, not once have i cried even with all these hormones.)

at least his defenses finally --finally-- came down.

not once did i give up on compassion, nor did i rise to the bait and go on the offensive myself. i felt like a tide breaker during a storm, wave after wave smashing against me. i hadn't eaten since early sunday evening (watching a Godfather marathon with my dad), had slept very little, and it isn't like i have these huge energy reserves lately.

but it worked. seriously, i kept an image of the dalai lama in my mind the whole time, trying to live up to his example. it gives me a whole new appreciation for the remarkableness of that little holy man, especially compared to my own clumsy efforts.

i honestly don't know what to title this

2010-02-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting in my parents' living room, staring out the window at the small two-lane sorta-highway that runs by their house. they're out in the middle of garden country, with huge industrial nurseries clustered together and growing everything from conifers to japanese ornamental cherry trees and wisteria. big business, where a yearly budget of $30 million is somewhere around the numbers they work with.

it's kinda like the boondocks, but not quite. but with nothing but plant life, two-lane highways, and a local coyote pack feeling at home in a place with no street lamps, it can feel like the middle of nowhere at times. though the middle of the night on a full moon, especially after a snow, is particularly enchanting out here.

right now, the gentle ripple of the cats' water fountain and the occasional truck passing through is all i can hear. well, that, and one of the cats snoring on the recliner next to me. i suppose when you're a 20+ pound cat, snoring's a way of life.

lately, i've been acutely sensitive to stress. even something as minor as knowing i have to be somewhere on a particular day is enough to be halfway to debilitating because my constitution's just so shot. and at my parents', even if none of my problems are fixed, something about feeling this safe...helps. maybe it's muscle tension, because as i hear my massage therapist tell me time and again, that's where i store everything. tense muscles means even my smooth muscles can't relax, and the more stressed out i am, the more i end up with the dry heaves. even on zofran, it can get bad enough that i still can't keep anything down.

vicious, vicious cycles. and the ER bills are piling up.

but that's not so much a worry. that's what payment plans are for. no, what has me so puzzled is this thing called "growing up." a few years ago, i used to resent doing the right thing. don't get me wrong, i'd still do it, but the pain of responsibility and integrity was at times almost physical. i would sigh and gripe about how growing up sucks and doing the right thing was at times damned...inconvenient.

well, maybe i've grown up since then. maybe i've just grown out of my childish selfishness and self-centeredness. (i like to think so, anyway!) or maybe it's just simply that my priorities have changed, and in light of what's truly important everything else just seems expendable.

i've learned that if a situation or a person is making it difficult to do what's right, then they're not in alignment with my honor and integrity which i've worked damn hard over the years to foster. "the right thing to do is only difficult when surrounded by fucktards." in light of that, it's easy to give up what's not important.

what's important now? this is the Year of the Basics. honesty is a basic. so is honor, integrity, and doing everything in my power to raise the iGoddess child right.

so i sent the ex-bf an electronic olive branch. i emailed him, asking if he truly wanted to be a family. it was a simple yes-or-no question, but it took several replies back and forth to get any kind of answer out of him. stubborn son of a bitch.

y'know, tony robbins says that cynical people are cowards. they don't want to trust, or believe in love, and are always believing the worst of a situation so they can protect themselves from getting hurt. that's not smart, that's chicken. he locked himself down so that what happened to him in the past won't ever happen again, instead of making smarter choices, changing a few habits, and trusting the right people.

love is always a far better shield than cynicism. true self love and a thorough knowledge of your own self worth is far better immunity to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune than being meaner than a "potential" enemy. and love and joy are far better healers than time and cynical coping mechanisms.

and love heals clean, with no scars.

i stand by my decision to be a single mom if i feel i must. honestly, i don't know if the problems that created our impasse have solutions. but we're sitting down tomorrow morning with a mediator to find out. it was for love i left, i told him, and for love i'm trying again.

my goals, as always, are to be true to myself (not compromise my self-worth or integrity), and to embrace full responsibility as this baby's mother by doing what i believe is best for it.

so, i dunno. we'll see.

things that make you go "hmm..."

2010-02-06T21:07:00.001-08:00

quick note, just an observation i made:

talking with single-mom friends of mine, i noticed that they and their children fell into one of two categories: 1.) well-adjusted and happy, or 2.) maladjusted and in desperate need of therapy.

now, bear with me, this is just an observation that i made among my own friends, so it's by no means any sort of official or scientific. it was, quite simply, a thing that made me go "hmm..."

those friends of mine who fell into category 2 were, blessedly, the very small minority. what their single motherhood all had in common was a very young age (20 years old or younger), and single motherhood was thrust upon them by circumstances beyond their control. in some way or another, the father left them and they had no choice but to raise their kid(s) alone. they felt abandoned and sad, afraid and confused and very alone.

in category 1 are the moms who were more in my age group (30-33), except for one who was in her early 20's when entering single motherhood.

however, where category 1 differs is in the simple fact that they chose to be single mothers. for whatever reason, the father/sperm donor was severely lacking to the point where these extraordinary women made the decision not to include these males in their children's lives despite the traditional view that "no matter what, a child needs both parents!" yeah, no matter what, indeed.

these women turned their noses up at that and said, "Eff that! One responsible and mature, emotionally/mentally healthy parent is better than a dysfunctional pair!" and chose their path with courage and decisive action. their children lack for nothing in the grand scheme of things, are happy, love their mothers, and no one that i can see needs any therapy.

coincidence? honestly, i think not.

adventures in gestating

2010-02-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

i know, my bad.

here i wrote all about how excited i was that the iGoddess child was going to be here, and then dropped off the face of the planet.

again.

oi vey. so no, i didn't really fall off the face of the planet. pregnancy hormones are kicking my ass, though. for the life of me, i can't recall if i ever mentioned the hyperemesis gravidarum which plagued me when i was pregnant with li'l *c*, but i'm sure i must have. that hit around the twelfth week and lasted until his birthday.

well, this time around, it hit around the fifth week, and it hit HARD. i'm still down, and i'm at thirteen weeks. by this time, i figure i've lost more than twenty pounds (last weigh-in was 18 lbs down a week ago), have had two ER visits for dehydration and, of all embarrassing things, fainting. yay super-low blood pressure.

so it's going to be another one of those. thank the gods for Zofran because, without that magic little 8mg pill 3 times a day, i wouldn't even be able to eat the little that i do. it's going to be a tough ride, baby.

also, i dumped the sperm donor. there's something about men that like the idea of a thing more than the actual thing. yeah, i have a problem with those. not that i'm keen to put up the details here, but suffice it to say that in this iVillage of ours, none of us really shy away anymore from making the tough-but-right choices. i like to think that i've continued that little tradition.

been thinking about you a lot, boho mom, and our conversations about single motherhood. and it wasn't a tear-filled or painful choice, either. i'm not sitting here eating ice cream, using up kleenex, and watching titanic or anything. actually, thanks i think in part to the nesting instinct, it felt more like house-cleaning than anything.

though i am eating ice cream, it's mainly for the heartburn. OMG, the heartburn!

now, for the first time, i actually feel excited about this whole thing. in my head i'm already decorating the funk palace, and can already see myself in the kitchen with the iGoddess child, side by side and cooking something gluten-free and awesome with the white album playing in the background.

it looks good, and my way finally looks clear. so, single moms in the audience (both current and former!), you ready to add another to your exalted ranks?

This is the Year Of

2010-01-01T03:36:00.001-08:00

it's kinda funny. not funny ha-ha, but funny make-the-corner-of-your-mouth-kinda-curve-up-a-little-when-you-bemuse-yourself kinda funny.

i wrote the title to this blog entry and immediately began hearing the Tears for Fears song "Year of the Knife." now, i love Tears for Fears but they got it all wrong. summer won't turn to winter, love won't turn to stone. if anything, tears will turn into laughter, lead will turn into gold.

back in 2007, it was the Year of Secrets compete with: the Season of Temporary Insanity; the Invasion of the unFunk; the writing of the Funky Love Letter of Closure; the Inner Demon Tea Party and Imminent Fatal Gorge-Fest; the Multiversal Jiggy Snake and Funktastic Yayness; and last but not least, the introduction of Delena of the Funkywild.

2008 was the Year of the Delena with...well, wetter, wilder, and more interesting problems to solve. it was a greater definition of who Delena is, what she stands for, where she's going.

2009 was the Year of the Funky Wow! (exclamation point included). since i had a rather good handle on Delena of the Funkywild, it was time to realize my place in a bigger picture, and to develop a closer, intimate relationship with the Jiggy Snake. because i am God, and you are God, and i just thought i'd let you know. *grin*

so what holds 2010 in store for me?

well, as i sit here at 03:45 on New Year's Day, with my cat (my very large cat) whom i rescued on Christmas of the Year of Secrets as a cold, hungry, desperate kitten now sprawled on my lap looking up at me with a very contented kitty smile and purring like thunder...as i feel this thickness in my middle that can only be my burgeoning new child...as i listen to that child's father breathing deeply and evenly behind me...

...after looking backward, then downward, then inward, then upward...growing in love and soulfunk and passion and strength...

...knowing i have a whole, wide world to begin showing to a brand-new person here soon?

well, i suppose that makes 2010 the Year of the Basics, now doesn't it? =)

may the Funk be with you.

Dear 2009,

2010-01-01T02:52:00.000-08:00

...I'm actually going to miss you. I know. Loads of people hated you and, let's be honest, you were a total bitch to a few of my really good friends. But you and me saw some good times: I found a fantastic job that I love, met the man of my dreams, fulfilled one of my remaining deepest desires (to get pregnant again), I know who my friends are, and didn't have to let anyone go. So...thanks! We had some times. =)

the most loved, anticipated, empowered, enlightened, cherished, magical child ever born

2009-12-22T01:06:00.000-08:00

kinda funny.

i knew the day it happened, honestly. how'd i know? sore b-cups, that's how. other signs followed, of course. then my 28th day came...and went. that pretty much nailed it for me, but you know how other people can be. without confirmation, it can always be "so many other things."

except for the simple fact that when you know, you know. y'know?

so get ready. the iGoddess child is coming early August 2010.

written meditation

2009-12-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

y'know, i'm sure there's a really fantastic quote out there about reconnecting with one's self, about the imbalance that happens when one's life becomes too external and how cheated the soul can feel when you haven't given it enough attention, et cetera.

well, you won't find that here.

my last entry posted something about how my life was going so well that i really didn't see the need to sit down and wax fantastic about how awesome my life is. there was gratitude daily and positivity and creativity and all these -itys, and abundance and the affirmation of family.

yup.

but...i miss me.

and...i miss my iVillage. i miss the company of women and the brainstorming and language that's so uniquely female.

i can laugh about it now, but dear gods, did it really take until 30 to realize that i need to be a woman?

it's not so much that there's a ton going on, or that i'm overwhelmed, or that things have totally gone downhill and i'm just here to rant or vent or what-have-you. i'm actually just here because i once again feel like i have no one to talk to...and i just have a lot to get off my chest. so i'm here to toss it all on the blog. everyone's busy, everyone's loud. i hate having to shout down everyone in the room just so i can get in a fucking sentence without being totally bowled over. i hate being interrupted, having my topic of conversation totally taken away from me. i hate talking to someone but feeling like i might as well be in an empty room.

i'm wondering where my power went. i certainly know where my energy went, and it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to make myself heard in a room full of people who aren't listening so much as waiting for their turn to speak.

if this is the only place where i can actually feel heard, then so be it. i've tried to be something i'm not for most of my life, and i simply don't play that game anymore. so i'm not even going to bother. i'm a quiet soul, actually. if people are too busy, or too loud, or too preoccupied with trying to dominate a room, then they're not worth hearing what i have to say. they don't have to.

i just really need to be heard. but i need space where i can talk. this seems to be the only place i have.

and considering i've got a baby on the way (*grin*), i've got a lot on my mind.

chaos, caliber, contention, and compassion

2009-09-22T23:47:00.000-07:00

Not posting drama for all to see. Just expressing my sorrow as yet again education and self-actualization separates me from yet more people I love and contention builds in my home. Belief systems are what they are, and like attracts like. The real challenge comes when you change and someone doesn't, and the blindness of others causes grief. Then again, I was never very good at agreeing to disagree. Selfishness and egotism are two things I do not tolerate well, either, nor do I allow myself to be mowed over. Not willing to write this person out of my life, however, which is my SOP normally. Don't know how else to handle it, though. I'm pretty hot-headed myself.

All I know is that where I want to take my education and succeed, and help another succeed, someone else's lack of education and ego is creating a quagmire of ill will.

...I'm getting a lot of practice separating business from personal. A lot.

it rhymes with "assloads of money"

2009-09-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

today i spent a total of four hours and something-something minutes masterminding with the CEO of paradice.net about some really heavy-duty, hit-the-ground-running-or-be-taken-for-a-drag kind of stuff.

i'm so jazzed that three hours later, i'm still working on details, exchanging emails like greased lightening with him, talking to artists across the country about what's possible, and it's just so effing exciting i can't even really contain myself.

i'm tired, but it's a good kind of tired, y'know?

but i just wanted to share how proud i am that i lit a fire beneath that CEO's butt, and now our small gaming company has plans to go global very soon. even our (extremely modest) projections will yield a profit that rhymes with "assload of money." you know, the "quit my job" kind of quantities.

while doing something i truly love, and believe in.

with people i love to be around.

earning money to fart around with my friends and have fun.

and it's not only possible, but it's so farkin' within reach that it has us alternately dropping our jaw and gasping with wonder, and giddy with excitement. you know, the stomach-flipping, eye-bulging, bladder-busting kind of excited that lit a fire under our ass and fueled four hours of intense master planning and strategy building.

it's going to be intense.

intense.

AHA! Moment: "And I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"

2009-09-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

y'know, lately i've felt really horrible about missing out on all the wonderlicious stuff happening in our little iVillage.

though, i think with how often i've not been posting, i might've been relegated to the outskirts of town, over by the dirt road, in our iVillage, out by no one, lol.

sorry, ladies. i truly am. i miss all of you, and whole days go by where one of the few thoughts in the forefront of my mind is how to convey that since, y'know, we all only really know each other online. and life is, well, Life. we're out there living it every day and coming home to our blog is for most of us a haven of sorts, where we can be alone with our thoughts and have the time to validate ourselves as women.

i know that's what it was for me. my blog has always been a place where i could toss up my thoughts --like paint splatter on a wall-- and just look at it from a more removed location than the overwhelmed tangle it was in my head. it was also my introspective home; i live in my head a lot. i mean, who doesn't? but for me, my inner life is actually more real than the physical life i have.

don't know a lot of people who can honestly say that. i mean, what an egotistical, scary-hermit-like thing to say. then again, some would say what an existential thing to say. so i suppose it's all how you look at it. but really, for me, for years...my thoughts were more to me than the actual physical experiences of my daily life.

now it's just the opposite. it's the ebb and flow of life. something in me shifted, i think, and suddenly i was ready to take all that i'd processed in my head and heart, and go make things happen. and i did. and i am. and now life is so much fun that, for the most part, i don't want to miss it by sitting down at my computer and living online.

there's not much that i have to think about right now. i put the important things together, found where i was out of alignment and put myself back into alignment, and finally learned how to say, "screw what anyone else wants, this life is mine." ...but in a good way.

because i finally realized what it was i wanted. and i'm going out and getting it. i'm kicking ass and taking names, building bigger plans and watching them begin to unfold.

and...i...

...i just don't have the time or --if i'm honest, the desire-- to live online and blog like mad like i used to. my life rocks, honestly. really, truly rocks. and with what i'm building, it's gonna rock even harder here shortly. but i don't want to give anything away, or speak too soon. i just want to keep my momentum.

but i miss my iVillage. just wanted to mention that.

the variety-pak of life

2009-08-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

there's so much going on inside my head right now, and honestly i don't know where to begin. life just does that funny, meandering, mixed-up thing it does, and suddenly i'm sitting here trying to blog and wondering where to begin.

life has in no way whatsoever settled into anything remotely resembling a routine. i find i miss routine. just thinking about the lack of routine makes my head hurt and i wanna lie down. then again, that could also be from the gluten attack i had on friday night that laid me up until pretty much today. careful avoidance of gluten has made me extremely susceptible to even small amounts now, and wow. it felt like i'd just been kicked by an elephant.

work is going pretty well. as a pest inspector, i'm expected to squeeze myself into some pretty icky places beneath houses, and in attics. i find it fun, actually, and i enjoy people's reactions when they see that i --a cute, smiling, cheerful li'l chica-- is gonna go dungeon delving in their crawl space. it's kinda fun. and i'm starting to really get to know the technicians that follow after me to perform the actual services that i've sold our customers. i like to leave little things for them, like gift cards to mc menamin's, etc. just to say thank you for taking care of these people and backing up my word. we all work together, y'know? but it's nice when i know that these wonderful guys got my back. i'm starting to get further into the business where the teenie details that i don't know are bubbling up, and they look out for me. so i show my appreciation.

school is still...hmm. i don't know where i'm headed with that just yet. i got back my transfer results from the Admissions office regarding the classes i had taken years ago in cali. now, instead of being 66 credits until my degree, i only have 30 to go. and i still have my 4.0; i'm a little relieved. of course, this rather derails my plans for which courses i was going to take, so now i have to sit down with my councillor again and re-plan everything. and i still don't know if i'm going to take a fall course yet. spring semester threw me for such a loop, and now i admit that there's so much dread it turns my stomach whenever i think of enrolling.

*mj*, eager darling that he is, sat down with me last night to start talking about things like the menu for samhain. it might be early, but i suppose he's like me in that he wants to be as prepared as possible. i can appreciate that. i told him that what i really wanted was a cake. i haven't done any baking since the "yay, i can't eat guten!" news, and i really, really miss baked goods. you know how long it's been since i've had a brownie?! and plain ol' yellow cake with chocolate frosting, i miss it. no real baking gets done during the summer, but even at the stores i can't eat anything there. i keep thinking of that little place on the east side that apparently makes a phenomenal gluten-free chocolate cake...and i'm wondering if it's worth the drive...

so yeah. just a yellow cake, homemade chocolate buttercream frosting. that would make halloween such a special holiday for me. kinda funny.

and my li'l sister *t* is coming up on monday! i'm so excited sometimes it feels like i'm going to burst apart. my li'l sis is something else, i swear. i tell everyone that i was the rough draft, and ten years later the finished product was born. she's everything cool that i am, only to the nth degree, plus she's got so much else going for her. she's so awesomely awesome! and even more, i can be myself around her in a way that i really can't anywhere else except with her and my li'l bro *aj*. we just get all of our jokes (hell, a lot of them we invented together), and she gets my subtleties like no one else. she's been there for me through...well, my entire life, and she just knows those things for which there are no words. those things that help make me who i am that can't really be explained but influence me nonetheless. she gets me.

when she visits, people up here see us together, then look at me...nod...and say, "Now i get it!" see? it's not just me! and she's the only one that i can laugh 'till i die with. you know when you're laughing so hard you're flopped out on the floor, tears streaming down your face, with absolutely no more breath for any sound at all...but you can't stop laughing to take a breath? yeah, that's us.

a part of me relaxes when she's around. hell, we grew up together; no such thing as a mystery between us. but also, i just really farkin' adore her.

when i grow up...

2009-07-25T19:45:00.001-07:00

...i wanna be just like her.

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-07-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19): It makes me famished just to think of you there stewing in your hunger. You almost remind me of a bear that's just awoken from hibernation or a political prisoner who's been on a hunger strike. And yet I know it's not a craving for food that you're suffering from. It's not even an impossible yearning for sex or fame or power or money, either. You're starving, you're ravenous, you're mad for something you don't have a name for -- something whose existence you don't fully understand and can't quite imagine. But I predict you'll uncover a fuller truth about this thing very soon, and then you'll be more than halfway toward gratifying your hunger.

i must admit, mr. brezsny, you actually kinda creeped me out with how accurate you are this week. I suppose it's because i've gradually been growing more restless over the last several weeks. there's been something gnawing at the back of my mind and it keeps me up at night. i pace in my bedroom, i'm distracted at work, i can't focus. i brood. i look out the window sometimes and picture myself crashing through the glass and flying away.

...or flying toward something. i can never be sure.

but then you said "stewing in your hunger" and it hit me just how right you are about that. the stewing part, and the hunger part. i'm pacing because i'm hungry. i'm restless because i'm hungry. i can't focus because i'm obsessing on this nameless thing that i'm hungry for.

part of me thinks it's hunger for a relationship. part of me thinks it's hunger for a relationship and something else. but both parts of me are in agreement that i'm ready for the real thing. a while ago i came to the realization that i am not happy alone; that i am just plain built to be part of something special with another person. however, i wasn't exactly ready back then for anything special with anyone. but at least i wasn't denying my nature any longer, saying that i was fine by myself and all that other post womens' lib crap.

but once i made the decision that a relationship was what i wanted, the hunger and restlessness began to grow. when i make the decision to do something, i don't waste time. i get up that moment and begin doing things to bring my end goal into fruition. i don't stop until i get what i want. it's just how i am.

however, i want the right relationship, and that's just not something you can rush. it's also not a goal you can work on that has any sort of measurable progress. you're alone, alone, alone...suddenly you're with someone. and i don't want just anyone, either, but the right one. i'm talking about the one, my one. my funkalicious groovemate.

if he's out there.

but i made the decision it's what i wanted, and aside from continuing to groom and mold myself into my own perfect, funkalicious groovemate, there's really nothing i can do. i'm not out to meet people, or get back into the dating scene, or play the field. i'm not out to waste my time or tire myself out "making the rounds." i'm just not.

but going about my life, trusting that it'll "just happen" is rather discouraging. my life consists of work, work, work, coming home and playing catch-up on chores that never get completely caught up. in the fall there will be school, and homework (which i'm dreading, but for entirely different reasons), and i've decided to pick up Freedom Revolution again, because i deserve it.

i don't have time to "play the field," and some would say that i don't have any time for any sort of relationship at all. but i say that i would have all the time in the world for the right person. however, i can't do anything to make that person show up. i can only continue as i have been.

and that sucks. hard. it's frustrating, and disheartening, and in the meantime i'm so lonely that it actually hurts right in my solar plexus. pathetic as it sounds. "lonely" is such an ugly, pathetic word. i'm surrounded by pairs of happy, comfortable partners and am so lonely i'll take affection from any direction it's offered right now. and i'm sorry if that doesn't sound quite as funktastic as Delena of the Funkywild is. but no matter how intelligent, or smart, or cute, or strong i am, i need to be touched and hugged and kissed and held while i sleep and told i'm pretty, and an entire host of other things that are so pathetic for a Wild Amazon to be admitting.

but fuck that, and fuck womens' lib, and fuck how it makes me look, and fuck what i think about what's pathetic, and fuck what anyone else thinks about what i need. i know what i need, and i know i want, and i know what i've had to live without.

there's also the conundrum of my love and loyalty for my parents...and my own happiness. if there were someone out there who was perfect for me, but who did not exactly meet my parents' standards, which would be more important? my loyalty to them, respect and obedience? or knowing i was passing up my chance to live a happy life with that perfect someone long after my parents are gone? the thought of either one twists a knife in my heart. there's injustice with either choice. but the thought of being kept from happiness brings a special pain. i've been abused so much, and had so much taken away from me from a very young age. the wish to be happy seems such a small thing to want.

i don't want to go another thirty years still pining for happiness, walking around incomplete.

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-07-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

i was lying upon my naked back and staring up at a sky as vivid as a bluejay's wing. clouds decorated the blue expanse; big, fluffy bundles like the goddess had come with a huge frosting applicator and squeezed out perfect little puffs of white frosting.

was the weather always paradise perfect, here in the Valley? it couldn't be Paradise; i wasn't dead. perhaps it was enough to simply be, to feel paradise around me. perhaps it was Her telling me that anywhere is paradise, depending on my own state of mind.

it was difficult to feel, though. the pomegranate priestess' words had pierced straight through me. i reached up and rubbed the place between my breasts, where the other priestess had invoked the blue-skinned, flame-haired vulture goddess aspect within and lain my breast in twain with her sickle.

there should have been a scar there. the wound had rent the bone, leaving my beating heart open to the sky as my life's blood poured into the River Funk. but my skin was smooth and perfect. i had long ago discovered if i brooded too deeply upon the remembered pain --vivid and sensitive as my memory was-- the wound would reopen of its own accord as if freshly cut. if i focused on the lessons learned, the wound closed. if i brooded, i bled.

lesson learned. self-pity and holding onto past trauma injured my body, mind, and soul as if freshly inflicted..and i was the one applying the pain. musings upon the lesson, and the strength i gained while floating half-dead along the River, strengthened me. nourished me.

the skin between my breasts itched. i was brooding, and i knew it. so many questions, and no experience in my entire life was sufficient to lead me to an answer. how to choose among the sisters? how to know to which sect of them i belonged? i felt a kinship with them all.

the vial was its own weight, and dilemma. whom to bless with its contents? who was deserving, or in most need of a baptism in blood? the mystery of turning water into blood was mine, but how? what to do, how to use it? such responsibility weighed heavily upon me, and i could feel it in the weight of the vial itself. it grew heavier by the moment.

to leave Valley-in-the-Glade? its beautiful colors and gently rolling hills were no longer a safe haven for me; i felt it in my blood. the presence of the blood priestess had changed all that. i was free to remain there as long as i wished, but i knew it was time to leave. however, leaving terrified me. i didn't know how to leave, or even if i truly wanted to. i was comfortable there, and all my needs were attended--

...no, that wasn't true. not entirely. something within me ached, but i couldn't name what it was. the longer i remained in the Valley, the more of its bounty i ate and by every pampered night, it would feel emptier and emptier to me. soon i would be starving. but for what?

i closed my eyes and gave up trying. all i was doing was going 'round in circles trying to figure out something that couldn't be solved.

"the last mystery of the Valley," said a voice.

i sat up, startled, and looked around. up above me sat the most beautiful man i had ever seen. for once and all i knew the Valley was not only alive, but aware. how else, then, could it know to show me my ideal man, perfect in every detail to my own tastes from his long hair and stubble around his mouth, to his broad shoulders, barrel chest, kind eyes and broad proportions?

i was breathless. he was naked, as was i, and i was blushing!

cheeks burning, i curled my legs beneath me to hide my sex, and shook my dreadlocks to cover my bare torso.

he laughed. "too late. i already got a good eyeful." at my pained expression, he laughed harder. "but i shall pretend i saw nothing and that my mind is as pure as the water of the pool in which you bathed earlier."

my jaw dropped.

"you're very pretty," he said.

i buried my face in my hands and squealed with shame and embarrassment. suddenly i felt hands around my shoulders, large and warm and gentle.

"come now," he said. "is it so terrible to know you had an admirer watching from the trees? like actaeon as he spied artemis at her bath."

"and was torn apart by her hounds," i finished, face still buried in my hands.

he chuckled, and gently pulled my hands away from my face. "true, but you have a much more generous heart than she perhaps had, and would have mercy on one such as me. i was simply unable to keep silent any longer. and you looked in need of a friend."

i shook my head. "it's nothing," i said. "it's stupid. but it's nothing." i was already burying it deep down, hiding it from him as i had always hidden everything from everyone.

"dear priestess," he said gently. "now don't do that. don't bury it. i don't care what you feel, as long as you don't feel nothing. get inflamed with hunger or justice or sadness or beauty or love," he laughed, "or embarrassment at being caught naked when you thought you were alone. but don't submit to apathy."

...apathy? was that what i had been doing? no, surely not! all i was doing was putting it away, where it wouldn't get in the way of what needed to be done. emotions always got in the way, were painful distractions and conspired against me to leave me tender after yet another betrayal, yet another abusive relationship as the illusion of love disintegrated and i saw it for what it had always been. by shoving them down into the deepest, darkest little corner of my mind, i had made sure my emotions did not rule me.

pragmatism and a refusal to romanticize things had been what kept me from hurting. from wondering why i was so unlovable that everyone i had ever loved had thrown me away. that was what i had been doing...right?

he smoothed the back of his hand down my cheek. "don't let yourself be shunted into numbness. you can't afford to be cut off from the source of your secret self, even if it means having to feel like hell for a while." he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear. i closed my eyes and inhaled his nearness. "and the odd thing is that if you're willing to go through hell, you won't have to go through hell. so to hell with your poker face and neutrality and dispassionate stance."

eyes still closed, i gave a small, wry smile. "be a wild thing, not a mild thing, huh?"

he kissed my forehead. "precisely."

Ex animo, Delena

2009-07-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

i looked at the priestess for what seemed an eternity. the small vial of water-turned-blood was as heavy as sin, and getting heavier.

"you feel it calling, don't you?" she said.

i sighed. "more like i can't deny its calling any longer," i said. "i've stuffed it down for so long; my whole life. but now...lately...it's shouting so loudly it's like some white noise in the background that has slowly gotten louder until it's all i can hear." i shook my head. "everywhere i turn, it's all i can see. every sound is drowned out by it. every lesson turns me back to it. there's just no escape."

"and why would you run from it, then, sister?" she said, smiling. "if it is tied to you, it does not matter how you run, for it will always follow you. do you not recall our sister, skeleton woman?"

"but reprieve!" i almost shouted. "not one second of peace! i need a break from all that noise so i can think! i know she's down there, and i know i need to deal with it. but i need time to get used to the idea and decide what i'm going to do about it."

the priestess shook her head. "and how much time have you had already? you knew everything was there, and you ignored it. that part of yourself you run from. how long have you ignored her, trapped her down, silenced her, kept her in the darkness and neglected her?"

the vial of blood weighed as much as a mountain now. the loose knot holding the ragged scarf around my head came apart, and my dreadlocks tumbled down my back. i remembered how my silhouette had looked so medusan, and in the back of my mind i could hear the faint sound of many snakes hissing in my ears. they sounded angry. ever growing, snakes continually shed their skins, and i could almost hear words in their hissing as they reprimanded me for refusing to shed my own skin.

"she needs to stay there," i whispered, horrified. "she gets in my way."

the pomegranate priestess stood, then, and brushed herself off. "then perhaps we were wrong, and this affinity for our path is only on the surface. stay here in the Valley, then, little sister. for apparently this is as far as you go."

she turned to walk away, but i reached out and snatched her blood-stained hand in my own. i was staring off into the distance, unable to look up and meet her eyes. "she's hated," i said. "perhaps not by me, but she is hated. when i embrace her, i am scorned. they mistreat me, and scold me, and cheapen me, and use me. i am not some cheap, simple thing to be cast aside!"

"they don't understand," she said gently. "they have lost their own innocence, so when they see yours they cannot bear it. some would subsume it, as ancient societies believed consuming the body would absorb the spirit as well. others would destroy it within you, for your obvious power reminds them of their starving lack. this part of you, this other, is someone you run from because of the pain you believe others inflict upon you because of her.

"i say to you that you have done yourself --and her-- a grave injustice. you have misunderstood her, and yourself. you have hidden her away so none could abuse her, yet you continue their work and abuse her far worse than anyone else could ever dream. and so i ask you, sister, why you curse those who have deeply wronged you, why you refuse to forgive most of them, when you do nothing but continue their work upon yourself? do you do this for some measure of control? to please them? to make sense of things you could not possibly have understood when you were young? some other reason entirely, or perhaps some combination of them all?

"whatever it is, my dear sister, it is something you will need to conquer before we can allow you your first crimson of our sisterhood." she pulled her hand free from mine. "if that is still your wish."

and she left me there in Valley-in-the-Glade, naked and trembling and clutching a vial of my own blood. few ever come this far, they had said. fewer survive.

...i was beginning to understand why.

if...

2009-07-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

i follow tony robbins on twitter, and earlier he asked what we would do if we knew this was our last day here. i've heard that question before. we all have. it's everywhere. but for some reason, tonight i thought about it.

if i only had 24 hours, i'd call someone up and confess i'm falling in love. nothing huge, nothing grandiose. just quiet, and warm, and there. i'd fill up the Funkmobile and drive to the coast, sit at Hug Point on the huge rock at the south end and write haiku. i'd call up suzi and *t* and li'l *c* and tell them how much i love and miss them. i'd fix myself a huge, honkin' plate of spaghetti and say to hell with celiac disease. oh! and cake. yellow cake with homemade chocolate frosting. i'd buy neat new toys for my cat and give him catnip and just give him the happiest day with me he's ever had.

the next, natural question is, "so then why aren't you doing those things now? why wait until your last day on earth?"

well, to be honest, aside from the whole eating spaghetti and confessing something akin to love (which is probably more like trust, which considering it's me we're talking about, it's probably even more miraculous), i already do those things. i call up the people i love. i tell them i love and miss them. i make sure my kitty is the happiest kitty on the planet. everything else takes care of itself.

right now, i should be taking care of me. and i'm tired. i'm headed to bed.

just thought i'd share...

2009-07-01T20:20:00.001-07:00

delena haiku

2009-06-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

it's a gorgeous day,
and for once, i'm not working!
took a day to rest.

thoughts of freedom are
once more circling 'round my brain.
just can't let it go.

all it takes is rest.
just a little, and i'm back:
Funk Soul Goddess, yeah!

21 guns

2009-06-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

if you listen to the radio at all, you've heard this song. being that i'm in my work truck anywhere from two to six hours a day doing nothing but driving, i now listen to a lot of radio.

this song has really, really stuck with me. for a while i couldn't have told you why. well, aside from the really effing awesome music compilation and especially the drums, i couldn't think of anything. but then i sat down and listened to the lyrics, and i now realize why my subconscious has had such a strong connection to this song.

lately my life has been constant conflict: my body with my work schedule, my mind with my body, my previous programming with my actual needs, my work schedule with my family and friends, my conscious with my subconscious.

way back when, people used to believe that heaven and hell did battle every day, with our bodies and souls as their battle field. lately i've wondered if they were more correct than they were aware of.

i've come to realize certain things about myself, certain aspects of my soul i've denied and abused and tried to kill my entire life. i suppose you could call it my inner child. i've treated her rather cruelly. i'm learning to accept her.

also, a dear, dear person introduced me to a book i had never heard of, and a concept i hadn't known existed. the book is the highly sensitive person, and --like gluten-free girl-- is revolutionizing my life. i've bought three of her books ("the highly sensitive person," the workbook, and "the highly sensitive person in love") and am reading the first one.

sometimes i can't breathe, reading it. just like when i first cracked open gluten-free girl, i am reading a book that is telling me about my life in explicit detail. i've never really felt as if a book were speaking directly to me before, but this particular work is doing exactly that.

it's drumming up very powerful feelings within me. unfortunately, i read this book where and when i can, given my schedule, so it goes without saying i don't have the luxury to experience the emotions freely as if i were to read the book in private. because lemme tell you, if i were...this book would have had me railing and weeping and openly experiencing emotions i haven't felt in too many years.

it's also helping me see myself in an entirely new light: one that's not in the least negative. i'm not crazy. i do not have a disorder. i'm not too broken to live. do you know what it's like, finally learning that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you are worthy? finally, blessedly worthy?

worthy of what? worthy of being alive. worthy of breathing. worthy of just as much love and understanding and acceptance as anyone else.

it's another Delena of the Funkywild r[E]volution. so i'm going through my trunk of old clothes and dusting off my pink go-go boots, pink flashy-hearts-on-springs headband, and my bandolier filled with glitter lip gloss and small bottles of bubble solution. Delena the Revolutionary Freedom Fighter for Beauty, Truth, and Finding the Funk is back.

she's fucking back.

so i'm raising the white flag. i'm giving the 21 gun salute, discharging my ammunition to show i am no longer hostile to my soul, my sensitive body, my needs, or my inner child. i have no idea how i'm going to live in peace and harmony with them --the demands of my work life are so strenuous and exacting-- but i know i will no longer continue the fight.

my strong, independent, tough adult self that can smell bullshit a mile away and refuses to take any shit from anyone can be an awesome, kickass big sister for my little girl self.

...why have i taken the reins from my bio-parents and been the evil stepmother to her for so long? why have i compounded her abuse? she's strong in her own way, and amazing to have survived for so long, with so little.

and so...i lay down my arms and give up the fight. 21 guns...i lift up my arms into the sky. her and i...

when i was a child, i caught a fleeting glimpse...

2009-06-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

....out of the corner of my eye.
i turned to look, but it was gone.
i cannot put my finger on it now.

that's kind of where i think the Funk is. it's so far gone right now.

you know how our thoughts become our reality, right? well, today is the first bit of real proof that i've headed to a very not-good place and it's starting to manifest in my daily life. it might seem small, locking my keys in my work truck, but now i'm late for an appointment. the locksmith is going to set me back about sixty dollars, after already being set back $400 this month due to a dead computer and a cell phone plan that couldn't keep up with my job. the speakers on the Funkmobile died a few days ago, i just can't kick this bronchitis (still!), and i'm behind on paperwork for work again.

little things are starting to fall apart on me, and i know half of it is because i'm not in the right headspace. but i don't know how to get out of it. there's so much going on around me. and while the majority of it is work-related, i feel so overwhelmed right now that any new information is just making me break down. the smallest stress now is causing me to overload and have panic attacks. ...like last night. and it happened in front of my best friend. if it had to be anyone, i'm glad it was her. but still. i hate that it was in front of anyone. i hate that i had one at all. i should have more control over myself, and should have shoved it down.

but speaking of shoving things down...you ever have an overfull suitcase that just will not shut no matter how much you sit on it? yeah. there's no more room.

there's...just...no...more...room.

as for priorities? work, school, family, and something else i'm not ready to mention here. they're all priorities, and they're all important, and they all deserve as much time as i can give them. everything else has already been dropped. if i drop any more, i cross the line into the disappointing-the-people-who-love-me territory.

i cannot and will not do that. fuck, i don't know what to do anymore.

brain dead

2009-06-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

it's a couple minutes to midnight. i just got home a few minutes ago. *lw*, the boss lady, *mj*, and baph (the leezard), and i went for sushi tonight. it was a lot of fun, but the trip to the sushi place was a very real lesson in just how strung-out i really am.

i should not be losing my temper just because i made a wrong turn trying to follow crappy, vague, last-minute directions. and normally i don't. i'm hitting that "dead end" sign at the very end of Exhaustion Blvd.

there was this one time when i was in grade school when i tried to do all my laundry in one load. my bio-mom had said i would overload the washer and dryer, and she said if i couldn't carry it all in my arms, then the load was too big and i should divide it. well, i refused to listen because a.) i hate laundry, and b.) i'm really fucking impatient.

always have been. just because i seem to keep a cool head on the outside doesn't mean i'm not going fucking nuts on the inside.

so i showed my bio-mom i could carry that laundry all in my arms. and my arms were so full of clothes that i was doubled over, trying to brace them all against my body. and i would lose clothes the whole trip from the laundry room to my bedroom. a sock would fall, then a shirt, maybe a few pairs of panties, a random sock or three...and there was this trail of clothes, and i had to make two trips to get everything i'd dropped on the way during my first trip.

it frustrated me to no end.

well, it's kind of the image i get in my head when i think of my life lately. i've got so much in my arms that i'm leaving a trail of crap and paper and activities and people in my wake. things and people and important stuff that i have to drop just because work is dominating my life. i'm always behind.

i hate being behind. hate it. i'm the penultimate capricorn. talk about perfectionist and no-nonsense efficiency at its finest. if it takes me all damn day to do a good job, then damn it all, i'm going to do a good job.

...and yet...there's that pile of laundry in my arms, with all these things falling out of my arms and landing on the wayside.

i don't really laugh anymore. not, like, the relaxed laughter that comes of a light heart. my heart isn't light. my heart is heavy and exhausted and so stressed out. the stupid thing is that i thought things would get better after school let out for the summer. but what i'm finding is that now that i'm not so wholly and consumedly focused on school, i'm realizing just how much everything else was neglected. so now i'm trying to make up for lost time, and get caught up.

and i've gained no ground. i'm just as behind as i was last month. i feel worse about the people in my life that i feel i'm cheating. i feel like i'm cheating them out of something good. i feel like the worst kind of person because i'm not there for them like i used to be. hell, i had to book *lw* with her own appointment on my work schedule just so i could help get her to her ultrasound.

that's just this side of ridiculous. and lately, that's how it has to be. and just because i know i'm mortal doesn't mean that i don't feel horrible about not being able to give people more of me.

and jeez, i've been writing for ten minutes, and i'm effing passing out. omg. and while i know it'll help not a whit, i need help.

no more sea water up my nose...

2009-06-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

okay.

so...

it's 9:40 pm and i'm totally wiped. for now, however, i am totally caught-up on work. it only takes putting 12+ hours in a day, counting everything from appointments and drive time, to paperwork and phone calls to customers. i'm not too happy about the hours i put into work. when i get home, i like to be home, y'know? not, "oh, okay, i'm home now, but i still have three hours of work ahead of me after already falling asleep on the freeway."

joy.

finals were over last tuesday, and i've been catching up on my life ever since. i think i'm finally making some headway. as i said, work's already all caught up. tomorrow's a different story, but Here Now, i'm five by five. my room's getting better. there are still some clothes, and a ton of papers that need to be sorted, tossed, and found homes.

...i just need a bigger desk.

speaking of desks, on the 31st of last month, my computer just up and died for no good, apparent reason. that pretty much pissed me right the @#*! off, because i'd been having problems with it, but all i'd asked *mj* to do was replace a noisy fan that was annoying the crap outta me. he unplugs it, and suddenly BAM! nothing works.

so there went $250 i didn't expect to spend, replacing my beloved pc with an acer aspire netbook. pink, of course. i tote it with me everywhere. literally. it's never out of arm's reach, because i never know when i'm going to want or need to log onto the internet for something, or have a few spare minutes to write.

of course, after the you-have-over-$200-in-overage-charges-on-your-phone-bill-delena fiasco, i also upped my plan to the "simply everything" plan with sprint. this time, i hope they don't hose me with hidden fees. however, this also means that my trusty, cute, pink ipod-ish phone can now access email, surf the web, text message, and i have a nav feature that's sort of like TomTom only better. it also has a "search" feature, so i can find things close by...like known gluten-free restaurants while i'm out in the field for work.

speaking of work, i work a full 90 mins south of where i live, so work's becoming an adventure. lots of windshield time, listening to KINKFM, CHARLIEFM, and some other radio station i can never remember. but between those three, i can usually keep myself entertained with music throughout the entire day.

it keeps me somewhat sane.

now...if i could just catch up on sleep, and eat on a dependably regular basis, i'd be making some huge headway.

one step at a time, dee. no need to eat every single frog all at once, after all.

even though, damnitall, i want to. i suppose impatience and frustration are their own frogs, hmm?

[insert clever title here]

2009-06-10T10:53:00.001-07:00

looking back on my entries the last few months...i was hit by a mack truck, wasn't i? march was bad, april was worse, may kicked me in the teeth, and here it is june and it's just like in the cartoons where i'm wobbly on my feet and dizzy with little tweeting birds flying around my head.

finals were last night. oi vey, don't ask me about finals.

the job is going really well. i was in So.Cal last week for training, and for all intents and purposes it was a fantastic success. now all that material that's been piling up in my room that i've been ignoring is getting sorted, and i get to start cramming for State exams now. oh fun.

i remember being little and going to the beach with my bio-family in So.Cal. there was this one summer when i decided i was going to be daring, and swim out past where i could see the bottom. out where the big kids were. and i did. and it was a blast! it was kinda like swimming in the most ginormous swimming pool in the world.

then this wave came and hammered me all the way down to the sand, and i didn't know which way was up, and the current dragged me tumbling and floundering along the bottom. i hit my head on a rock, and cut my hand on a jagged shell. i tumbled along the bottom forever, it seemed. i ran out of breath, and oh gods, i can remember the panic as i realized i was still under water and couldn't breathe. my body fought for air, and i was flailing for anything to hold onto. i tumbled over and over, and there was no sense of direction. water shot up my nose and down my throat. i was breathing, but it wasn't really working. belatedly i realized i'd sucked down a mouthful of seawater.

finally i bobbed to the surface. i remember this rattling breath that sounded like when you turn a water bottle upside down and give it a good squeeze...then let go and let the air back in, and you get that sucking, burbling, bubbling glug-glug sound. that's kinda how it was. then i was sinking back down and coughing and barfing up salt water, and it was pouring out of my mouth and nose, and eyeballs and ears it seemed, too. and just as i was in the middle of my first painful rasp of fresh air, another wave pounded down upon me, straight down on my head, and my face slammed back into the sandy bottom and i saw blood in the water, and i tumbled over and over, and over and over.

it finally fizzled out, dragging me as if i were a dented tin can tied with twine to a stray dog's tail, to shallower waters. i stood up, blood down my face and dripping into the water, lungs stinging and throbbing, coughing water up my nose, head pounding, dizzy, and tears streaming from my eyes. no one came at me and said, "oh god, are you all right?" or anything. i don't think anyone saw. i dragged myself out of the water, went to get my towel, and didn't go back into the sea for about sixteen years.

that's kind of how it felt these last couple of months. dragged along the bottom, tumbling, can't get a breath. now i'm back in shallow(er) waters, reeling, coughing up sea water. all i want is to find my towel, lie down in the warm sun, and dry off. maybe make a sand castle, or go roller skating on the board walk.

where spare time is doled out in minutes

2009-05-25T06:33:00.000-07:00

i found myself with a few spare minutes this morning before i head to work. of course, i have no idea what i wanted to write about, just that i wanted to write something. i miss my iVillage, i miss reading about your lives and hopes and inner journies, i miss hearing from you.

dear gods in heaven, i'm so busy lately that my brain doesn't work even when it needs to, and this last week i've spent much of my free time sleeping. so it really doesn't feel free to me. i threw in the towel and gave up on a social life, and i decided to walk away from dating and the whole funkalicious quest to find my groovemate. i just don't have the mental energy for that kind of emotional pain.

i thought working and going to school were so that i could improve myself and my quality of life, so that i could go out and enjoy life. but i just feel like i'm in a lockdown, like i'm living to work and go to school. with summer, things are really picking up at work, and i devote a lot of 6-day weeks to it. finals are coming up. after finals, i have state exams to study for, for my license (so i can, y'know, work more).

i miss my family, i miss writing, i miss waking up next to someone. perhaps it's just not the right time in my life, but it's never the right time in my life. for the first time in my life, i'm sincerely and painfully lonely, and it came on the heels of the realization that my Funk really can't survive in the presence of an Other. there's a lot of anger, and pain, and exhaustion. it feels like i've taken a huge step backward. looking through some journal entries i'd made on another blog (that died, btw) i'd said that i felt i was ready for wetter, wilder, more interesting challenges. and then this ginormous shit pie flew right into my face.

and i can't stand slapstick, lol.

so here i am. i don't know how to clean this up, or what to do with it. i'm so exhausted and overwhelmed that i find myself stuck in depression and i don't know how to get out of it. there's just so much anger. i don't even know what all of it's from, either. the Funk is so far away i can't feel it. sometimes i don't want to even do the work necessary to get back in touch with it. i just want to sleep.

i'm very confused. and my schedule has gotten me so isolated, that i'm feeling rather alone. i've hit a point --with learning how to eat all over again, school, work, duties around the house, my family-- that i can't do this alone. it's too much.

to my iVillage

2009-04-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Sisters of Funk,

You have read my tales through many years of everything it is to be a woman. You've cooed with me through the sweet in life, rejoiced with me in victory; you've died laughing at my antics and the funny in life, and reached out to me through the painful.

I know life has me by the nape of the neck right now; I haven't yet figured out how to take control of everything on my plate, though with more free time now I'll be able to make that happen. But I haven't been there for you lately, to leave the supportive comments on your blogs, or in your email boxes, like I should and like I used to.

But...I know you're still there for me. The last couple days I have really appreciated your support. You remind me of who I am: Delena of the Funkywild. You help me see that right now I'm only trapped in my insecurity, and that my own exhaustion and overwhelm helped make me susceptible to my Inner Flaming Narcissist once again.

Because as we all know, being the Divalicious Funkmasters we are, that insecurity is nothing more than self-absorption married to fear.

Inspired by your love, my sisters, and drawing from your strength and support as my own strength has waned lately, I hereby summon my Inner Flaming Narcissist and banish that bitch to the little box in my head where she belongs. Instead of waiting for someone to come to me, to help me get out of this, I called on a friend instead. I called her.

Led by your example, my sisters, I called upon someone I knew beyond a shadow of doubt would be there for me...and she was. I'm getting ready to go meet her right now, so we can have fun together, and she will help me lift myself back up, and remind me of my beautiful soul, and show me the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising and every breath is a precious gift.

I woke this morning feeling so lost and desperate, and just the memory of it makes tears burn behind my eyes. I don't understand why it's so damn difficult to find someone worthy of me, and what inspires someone to want to tear down a Funkmaster and treat her like shit. Works of art are we, and I never hear of anyone wanting to spray-paint obscenities upon the Mona Lisa or throw a rock through the windows of Notre Dame.

But I'm getting up. I'm making myself get up, and I'm going to banish my Narcissist and eat the damn frog of Insecurity. He's a bastard going down, that's for damn sure.

But I'm fucking eating that frog, godsdammit. My sisters, I was strongly moved to tell you how much I love you all, and how much I have to attribute today --the first day of my recovery-- to your strength. I agree with all your comments you've left the last few days. I love you all for them. Especially all of you; you all said something that hit me to my core. Thank you for keeping me on the right track.

I love you all.

to whom it may concern,

2009-04-25T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am...

...unsure of how to do this. Relationships and I don't get along. I know who I am, and who I am keeps getting in the way of me loving you.

...brilliant when writing, but when I open my mouth, shit falls out. I need you to ask me a lot of clarifying questions when I'm trying to bare my soul because, inevitably, I screw up what I'm trying to say.

...vastly intelligent. Too much so. My logic and methodical rationality...I dunno. But apparently they ruin something.

...full of love, and am happiest when being cuddled for hours. I want to be wrapped up in love

...independent. I don't need a Daddy, or total power exchange. I have very loving parents who give me unconditional love and guidance, thank you. But I do want someone who will accept my service and devotion, and know it is because I love them that I do this.

...clumsy in showing my feelings. They're deep, and sometimes overwhelming. When I am drowning in love, I tend to want to swim to shallower waters. I need you to be patient, and take my hand, and show me how to swim with you.

...very generous. I will give you everything I possibly can, and work hard to give you what you want from me. It will take time; a lot of time. But I'm worth it.

...not given to trust easily. And I will balk a few times along the way. But if you are patient, and understand I am like a skittish doe who needs a gentle hand cradling my heart, your reward will be my undying, unabashed, unwavering loyalty.

...terrified of my dark side, the monster that lurks deep within my psyche and wants to surface when I am tired, or hungry, or really stressed-out. My temper is just as bad, and I keep both of them under lock and key, because I have broken people in the past when I have lost control. I keep a tight rein on my self-control so that it never happens again, and I never hurt anyone again. If you understand this, you will ask to see that dark side of me, and gently encourage me, slowly, to trust you are strong enough to handle that side of me without losing your love for me. Because that is what I fear most: that you will see her, my dark side, and recoil as so many others have before.

...in need of being conquered. Like The Taming of the Shrew, I need someone stronger than me, smarter, understanding, ruthless, but loving and very affectionate. I will fight you, and make you run hard to catch me, but I long for the worthy man to catch me, and conquer me, and be mine alone...as I am his.

...naked before you, writing this. My heart is tender and bruised. I am afraid, baring myself like this. But if you are out there, you will see this. Above all, I want to be loved.

helping...

2009-04-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

woke up still kinda sad. heard *cc* talking with leezard (the new roomie) and laughing, went to see. she said check out lolcats.

so...i'm checking out lolcats.

still kinda sad, but it's not stopping me from laughing.

deadFunk

2009-04-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

greggo emailed me once, a long while ago, and told me that i was fantastically on my way to mastering the Funk, and then he and *m* threw such a wrench into the works that it totally derailed me.

when i was on my dating kick, the Funk suffered.

i tried a relationship with a younger man, and somehow lost my sense of humor. after telling him about my real estate investing dreams, he told me he could never be with someone who loved money so much. i told him i couldn't be with anyone who didn't support my dreams.

between learning to live without gluten, entering a new community one week, a new job the next week, returning to school the next week after a decade away, and entering my first serious relationship since *m* back in december of '07, i was exhausted, hungry, stressed, emotionally tender, exhausted, confused, insecure, and did i mention exhausted?

i took some "me time" to try and sort everything out. i was getting dangerously close to the blow-up-at-everything-and-sabotage-my-relationships stage. i needed time to rest, and think, and slow down.

in that time, my lover assumed i wanted someone else, misinterpreted everything i said and wrote, shut me out for a week, and i found out this morning he's with someone else.

in all this, i don't know how i could have done more, been more, given more. i was always honest. i handled my own issues. i was loving. i let him into places inside my heart i never wanted to ever see again after *m*. i covered his face in kisses at night and told him i loved him. i retreated in order to make sure i didn't hurt him if i had a meltdown.

i did everything i could.

and i've been here wondering what's wrong with me.

as long as it's just me with my family, the Funk is strong within me. i am confident, joyous, Funktastic, creative, and invincibile. the moment there's anyone else in my life, the Funk is either murdered (like *m* did), or it goes out. when i show my ugly side, they leave me. when i don't show my ugly side, they leave anyway.

i don't understand it. everyone wants to be loved. i am no different. i want to be held at night, told i'm beautiful, appreciated for those unique things about me. i want it. but i'm beginning to wonder if Delena of the Funkywild can only survive alone.

i'll get up again from this. i always do. i'll survive, i'll be strong, i'll re-find the Funk. and i can find happiness in my solitude. but i want a fulfilling relationship, and something deep inside me is afraid that Delena of the Funkywild is made for no such thing. I want to grow old with someone who loves me.

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-04-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From an astrological point of view, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to start a band and record an album. Your creativity is waxing, your attunement with the right side of your brain is especially sweet, and you will benefit immensely from anything you do to become less of a spectator and more of a participant. To jumpstart the process, go to Wikipedia and click on "random article." That's the name of your band. Then go to en.wikiquote.org and click on "random page." The last few words of the last quote on that page will be your album's title. Finally, go to tinyurl.com/9ydjk and choose a photo to be your CD cover. Or, if you don't like what's there, click on the link for "Get more interesting photos for the last 7 days." (My band is Widemouth Blindcat, our album is "More Time for Dreaming," and our cover art is a spiral staircase from here: tinyurl.com/c89rt7.)

hmm.

band name: atlante veneto
album title: "a noun with a job"
cd cover art:

saturation point

2009-04-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

i'm tired.

just.

so.

tired.

we're talking the pick-a-fight-in-the-car-flash-point-moody tired. there's been getting up shortly after 5 to get to work on time, to sit in front of a computer or tv studying for eight hours straight, which is so boring and mentally taxing to be absorbing so much info with no other stimulus that i keep passing out at work. then it's run to class on the other side of town outside portland (which takes maybe 40 mins, or an hour and a half depending on traffic), to either get a few bits of homework done before class...or run in breathless already late. then i catch what usually amounts to breakfast at 8:30pm, home to take a shower, and usually *d* comes over to hang out with me a while and make sure i get to sleep.

i fall asleep well, if late, and wake up happy in his arms. i have appointments and workshops on the weekends, real estate or other meetings/get-togethers during the week, school in the evenings, freak out about homework somewhere in there, never see my family (i'm the first out the door, last in), catch a shower every other day (when i'm lucky), and sometimes just opt to pass out rather than get a shower.

my room's a horrendous mess, and don't even ask me about the state of my car. i absolutely love my job, my co-workers, and my company. i love how i'm going to be helping so many people, with a company that still believes in integrity.

integrity is still huge with me.

i'm just tired. tonight is the first free night i've had in weeks, and i'm leaving a friend high and dry on her birthday just so i can stay in, answer email, blog, and unwind. i feel horrible. she came to my wonderful Rocky Horror Costume Party on my birthday.

but i've been sitting here in my fuzzy pink robe, just stopping to feel the fabric. i haven't stopped to feel much lately. too busy. too focused. too tired. i want to take a hot shower, and curl up in my bed and watch Babylon 5, not answer my phone, not do anything.

in the meantime my room needs cleaning, my car needs cleaning out, that cloak for *cc* needs crocheting, homework needs to be done, my bathroom needs scrubbing... all these things are screaming at me, and i feel wretched for wanting to cry mercy.

but if i don't, i'm gonna pop a blood vessel.

here's to taking time, listening to our bodies, and just being in the quiet.

here...

...now...

...quiet.

in a nutshell

2009-03-31T21:33:00.001-07:00

you know those days where there's so much going on around you at once that you really can only hope to catch what's right in front of you?

...yeah, it's kinda like that.

not that i'm complaining. not by a long shot. if anything, i created all of this wonderful, crazy chaos around me. for the longest, End of March loomed before me as this gargantuan tidal wave curling in white-capped inevitability over me. ever closer, ever more encompassing.

last time, i'd mentioned the new job beginning. it's going really well, even after catching a lovely cold immediately before starting. yeah, that was a fun kick in the head. seriously, i'm meeting some really fun and nice people, learning a lot, and getting to know my way around the portland metro on a whole new scale. it's kinda neat.

there's also been my real estate group, which meets fairly often. we get together to discuss ROTH IRA's, tax liens, purchasing notes, and buying 100 houses in a year. i used to think that stuff was boring. wall street week was on the television a lot growing up, and i avoided anything remotely related to it like the plague. but now i'm learning a ton, and it's just so dang fascinating! learning how to manipulate the solid concept of money is pretty damn neat-o, seeing how all the pieces can come together, all the myriad ways i'm going to turn that knowledge into freedom, power, and money is an incredible rush.

i see now how i can quite literally pick and choose the path i'm going to take to be financially independent. and even now i'm seeing this ability manifesting. it's caused another small-yet-radical shift in my thinking. opportunities, probabilities, consequences, and my own abilities are shining like never before.

hence my comment earlier about how i create all in my life. there've been a few social functions and have met a lot of new people. in particular, i met someone new through an old friend of mine. of course, knowing i'm single, he all but set me up...the bugger.

...but i'm not complaining. *grin* actually, i find the whole thing rather cute. every available moment, we're together. after *m*, i gave up acknowledging my need for lots of touching.

there's something about being looked in the eye and told all those things i hold close to my heart that's...refreshing. someone's paying attention. i'm not all that difficult to read or understand.

spring term began today. and even still, i'm slightly apprehensive. i haven't set foot in a classroom in a decade. also, i'm my head i'm already feeling the time crunch. occasionally i've caught myself wondering if i've bitten off far more than i could chew, but i always end up asking when haven't i bitten off more than i could chew? and suddenly everything's okay again. nothing to do but forge ahead, and so i do. how often have i backed down from anything?

speaking of backing down...

recently i've gone through another series of character challenges, learning things about myself and being shown without doubt that i'm ready for wetter, wilder, and far more astounding challenges...whether i feel ready or not. (and i definitely do not feel ready!)

mainly, these challenges have everything to do with trust, surrender, and letting go. i know it may seem "surrender" and "letting go" are the same thing, but i assure you they're not. where surrender has everything to do with guarding my pride and protecting my ego, letting go is mostly about those deeper, earthier, long-buried aspects of the injured little girl inside.

last year i thought i had helped integrate her back into myself. and i know i did...in part. however, as i've grown outward and taken my abilities to a higher level, i've also uncovered a new trove of opportunities to strengthen my character (aka: i found more yayfun issues i need to work through).

i know i'll always be in the process of growing and learning, i know this. but part of me despairs that i'll never be truly free of the results of my abuse. the negative messages i lived with all those years were things i consumed on a phenominally deep level. it's as if my personal development were akin to cleaning out a dark, dank basement. after cleaning out the clutter, scrubbing the walls, painting, putting in some light and making it beautiful, i then find a trap door leading to an even deeper sub-basement.

and the process begins again.

whether or not i want to, whether or not i like it, i have to face it. unlike the situations i found myself in last year, there's a whole new caliber of intensity with this, and a whole new level of courage demanded of me. unfortunately, despite my rule here at iGoddess of absolute honesty and "hide nothing," i truly feel that posting it up here would be unsafe for me.

so i'm setting up a new blog here in the next couple of weeks. it will have absolutely no association with iGoddess or the Funkywild. but i'll be posting these new things there. i simply feel that it could seriously damage my reputation both at work and online as i begin to grow what will become my real estate investment empire. it's just too personal.

for all my lovely followers of iGoddess, if you would like to continue following my growth on the new blog, shoot me a personal email. there's one associated with this blog on my profile: igoddess [dot ] mail [at] gmail [dot ] com

otherwise email me with any address you have, if you happen to have one of my personal addresses.

if you're a lurker, i'm sorry. i won't be giving this new blog to anyone i don't know. but i'll still be maintaining iGoddess, just not at my former frequency. time constraints being what they are for me now --between working at Orkin, my secondary job, a third job i'll be taking here in the near future, my real estate group, and this new aspect of my life-- it's simply not possible. plus, i want to focus on these new challenges of mine.

as always, i thank everyone for the love and support that has been showered upon iGoddess. i'll continue to bring the Funkywild to all corners of the world far and wide.

it's simply time to take my growth to a whole new level.

may the Funk be with you.

hello...is there anybody out there?

2009-03-18T16:04:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i've been here. lots of things going on, and i've been focusing my writing elsewhere. lots of time and energy have been going into getting ready for the End of March. i know the ides were a few days past, but instead of the 15th looming ahead like the dire warnings of a raving prophet, it's been the 23rd, and the 31st for me.

i finally start that new job with Orkin, so i'm really excited about that. i went to lane bryant today and bought a couple pairs of pants: one for work, and a black pair for me just because they looked so fantastic. i also got fitted for some new bras and realized i'd gone up a cup size!

way to go, girls!

my calendar is spattered everywhere with "cashflow" and "meetup" everywhere. i joined a group on meetup.com for robert kiyosaki's Cashflow game, and it's really fun! not only that, but i'm meeting people who are just as serious as i am about real estate investing. i'm learning so much, and at such a phenominal rate! it makes things feel more possible for me, like what i want to do is not only well within reach, but so close it's almost frightening. i could be leaving work permanently and investing full time within two years. kind of daunting.

but oh, so exciting!

and a couple months ago i ran into an old friend, and so i've been visiting with her and her husband (also a very good friend) and just getting back into the social scene. there are so many great people, and it feels really good to be treated like an intelligent, welcome adult. and being treated like a woman. and no one pounces on me just because i'm unattached, which is a real change of pace.

gluten-free living is doing wonders for me, too. i've been gluten-free for well over a week. the mental fog is gone, as are the debilitating migraines, the joint pain, the hellacious oh-gods-i'm-gonna-puke reflux, and the sinus pressure. i'm sleeping through the night even without my holosync cd's, which is astounding all by itself. and i've already gone down a jean size.

oh. my. goddess!

there's more, but i gotta run. i just wanted to say that i'm still here, i'm still alive, the diet is going strong, and life is beautiful!

i love you all, my lovely iVillage!

thrill isn't an acquired taste

2009-03-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

i've been exploring the aspects of thrillseeking behavior, what makes something thrilling, and the dangers and terror and heady drunken rush after you realize you survived against overwhelming terror. and so i give you a masterpiece i made a while ago.

...i need to make it into a big, fat poster and hang it up on my wall somewhere.

food to die for

2009-03-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

all hail to bacchus, god of good wine, good food, and really good revelry!

it might've been healthy food, and completely not reminiscent of ancient rome, but still. praise all the gods of good food, and praise the universe for putting all that second-generation star dust into the right combination to form my body right here, right now, so that i am able to enjoy such pleasures of my physical incarnation.

because...damn.

thankfully, my head is only dimly pounding now, which is a far cry from two days ago. not so thankfully, i've always been prone to really bad headaches, which brew over days (sometimes a week) into full-blown, blinding, pounding, please-someone-at-least-cut-off-my-head migraines. the one i had the other day wasn't that bad, but it wasn't too far off.

but today, it was only painful enough to make me pause a few times. so i figured i'd finally get around to making that homemade chipotle burrito i'd been craving last week.

oh. my. gods.

it was so much better than that!

i broke out the coconut oil, heated up the pan until it was smoking and made the most wonderful stir-fry. i had sliced carrots, red onion, and a green bell pepper very thin. separately, i stir-fried the carrots with a little diced garlic, then threw it into a bowl. next, i stir-fried the bell pepper and red onion with ground black pepper and a couple splashes of lime juice (okay, so it was more than a couple!) until the onions and bell pepper were mainly blackened at the edges, then put that atop the carrots. after that came a whole heaping pan of white mushrooms with garlic, a couple pinches of salt, and extra coconut oil. then i julienned a small handful of fresh ginger root, just enough to fit into the palm of my hand, and sauteed it for just a few seconds.

then i diced up a fat handful of fresh cilantro and sprinkled that into the bowl, and mixed everything together. it was so pretty i had to take a few pictures of it with *cc*'s camera, just to capture it.

shauna at gluten-free girl has a really good point: looking at your food through a camera lense really makes you stop and consider your food in an entirely new light. i know every ingredient i used, chosen for health benefits and flavor both, diced up every bite with my own hands, and made a magic with that food all by myself. i could only imagine how good it was going to taste.

i let that sit while i melted more coconut oil into the pan, and heated up a pan of refried pinto beans with more garlic.

then i put it all into a bowl, and slathered it with that Amazing Guacamole of Mind-Altering Fantasmicness (oh my gods...). i sat down, put in "Just Married" into the dvd player (i love that movie, it always makes me howl with laughter no matter how many times i see it), and took my first bite.

it was...

...it was...

...goddess, it was enough to make me want to go out and start a new religion. that bite...that perfect bite! it had the perfect balance of garlic, the deep headiness of bell pepper and red onion dancing with the tany sweetness of lime juice, blanketed with the heavenliness of cilantro, with the old-home familiar refried beans at the bottom and cold contrast of guacamole on the top. and every once in a while, if i was lucky, there was a small bite of beautiful ginger giving the mexican blend just a hint of something more.

and while it may sound like sacrilege for a mexican to say no tortillas required, it's true.

i sat and had a new experience in luxurious taste just now, all those textures and flavors blending together to make the perfect aria, mixed with heaping spoonfuls of laughter.

it was... *happy sigh* oh goddess. it was just so good. you gotta try it!

absent

2009-03-07T12:39:00.000-08:00

sorry i didn't write yesterday. there was no blogging, there was only migraine. it's better now today, but i'm still really wiped.

love and hugs, my lovelies. i'll be back (i hope) tomorrow.

gluten-free funkmaster

2009-03-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

after some thinking last week, when my goal to be an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness was brewing in the back of my head and my suspicion was growing that this would become my new goal, i returned to exploring shauna's place over at gluten-free girl.

*cc* is obsessed with her anti-carb campaign: Carbs Are Evil, Carbs Must Die. sometimes she talks about gluten really making her feel sluggish for a few days and drags her down. so i explored a little more at gluten-free girl. something about the back cover blurb stuck in my head, and something she'd said in an entry about being so exhausted all the time and wasting her afternoons on the couch with headaches and unable to move.

i thought to myself, "hmm, it's worth exploring." so i bought her book, which arrived yesterday. i'm already finished with it and, dear goddess lemme tell you! she could have been writing about me. now, i realize that a lot of people read her book and say the same thing, and email her and leave comments constantly thanking her for bringing celiac disease to their awareness, etc.

i'm not going to do that, or be one of those people. instead, i'm just going to say here that it gives me hope and that maybe, just maybe, her advice will make the road to my goal that much smoother.

yesterday, i did exactly what i said i would: i bought stuff to make my own homemade chipotle burrito...but with no gluten-free tortillas i've hit a bit of a speedbump. but i made the guac!

now, don't freak or anything, but being mexican i have a little bit of a guilty confession...

...i'd never made guacamole until yesterday.

i know! i know. oi... but yesterday at the supermarket, those hass 'cadoes were staring at me, flirting and seductive with their already-ripe yielding softness. so i brought them home and immediately halved them, saving the pits, and mooshed them up.

whipped them.

then i melted a 1/4 cup of the coconut oil i brought home (i was very happy to find organic, 100% coconut oil, no fillers), and added that to the mushy avocado whip. i added two handfuls of diced red onion, half a bunch of fresh diced cilantro, fresh ground pepper, a bit of salt, and a few splashes of lime juice.

oh. my. gods. it was heaven.

right before lunch today, after the guac had had a chance to nap in the fridge, it tasted even better. GODLY. i fixed myself a salad with spinach, spring greens mix, shaved carrot and fresh shaved ginger root, then put a few heaping, eager, singing glops of that guac into my salad and tossed it all together.

oh.

my.

gods.

it was so freaking unbelievable! and i used to hate avocadoes. and actually, i still can't stand the texture or taste of a naked avocado, no matter how ripe and in season. but there's just something about the spark and shout of a heap of orgasmically delicious guacamole on a homemade tortilla chip...or in a chipotle burrito. some magical transformation happens in the presence of red onion and cilantro, the finishing, miraculous touch is the vibrant splash of lime juice.

just...oh my gods.

there were also fresh, cold, green grapes for sweetness, and three soup mugs of steaming turkey broth with garlic. i sat down to a two-hour lunch, reading gluten-free girl and knowing every bite i took was a conscious choice for my health.

somehow, knowing that, it made every bite taste even better. more vibrant. and it felt as if i were eating my daily commitment to be an Eye-Popping Amazon, taking it into my body as nourishment as much as the greens, herbs, avocado, coconut...all of it.

it seems so simple, so...i dunno. sounds kinda lame. all it was, was lunch. i fixed a meal, i sat down, i ate it. but something about this afternoon made it real for me. i took that commitment into my body.

i don't think i could fall off the wagon now if i tried.

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-03-04T22:33:00.001-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Throx.com sells you socks in threes, so if you lose one you have an extra to take its place. Their ingenious marketing plan resembles the approach of some romance-addicts I know, who always date two or three people just in case they get dumped by one of them. No bouts of loneliness to worry about! Which brings us to my main advice for you this week, Capricorn: Have a back-up plan. Keep an alternative handy. Make sure you won't run out of the stuff you really need.

i woke up today and felt a little better. didn't want to be awake (the rapidly changing weather is wreaking havoc on my allergies) but i had gotten enough sleep. the food angst from yesterday was gone, and what a relief! lemme tell you, inside my own head i was pacing like a caged and very tense lion desperately wanting a chipotle burrito.

i resisted, for which i'm very relieved because i don't know how i would have handled being disappointed in myself today. plus, it helped that i think i had a touch of that flu that's been going around. anything i ate felt like a churning rock in my stomach.

ewww...

but there were backups at home that saved me, like mr. brezsny says. i ate a good, old-fashioned sandwich with lots of hot mustard, pickles, horseradish, and spinach. very fun. i boiled red onions and red potatoes, mashed them up, piled on the garlic, a little butter, soymilk, and fresh ground pepper, and had the most wonderful whipped potatoes on the side.

today i'm going to the store and i don't care if it's only the beginning of march. i'm buying avocadoes, romaine lettuce, cilantro, and anything else i need, and i'm gonna make me a healthier version of the chipotle burrito. i'm also bringing home more coconut oil because you just can't beat its benefits.

this goal is forcing me to think really creatively. i used to be so good about food and my eating habits. living with *ds* and *ks* polluted much more than just my fucktard intolerance. with all their complaining about my vegetarianism, about how it was so hard to go out with me to eat, how it was so hard to compromise grocery shopping for foods that all three of us could eat, how it was so hard living with a vegetarian (jeezus, they bitched more and more the healthier their company...should have listened to my instinct about them long ago), i began to ease up on my strict requirements...and became almost as disgustingly fat as they are. it's shameful.

so i'm having to break a lot of bad habits i adopted to make living with them easier on me. it's also liberating, though. it's like, "ahh! now i can go back to my regularly scheduled program."

it is definitely more difficult, turning on a dime in order to fulfill my goal of becoming an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness, but having back-ups and alternatives handy really make the difference between keeping my commitment and being weak and letting myself be a victim to bad habits and addictions.

because i know both are a choice, and i have to choose to be a disappointment to myself should i fall off the wagon. and why would i want to choose that? especially in the face of all the health and self-esteem benefits, not to mention being visually pleasing...

as a FunkMaster thinketh..

2009-03-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

...so are they.

the above quote is an adaptation of the quote from Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." now, that particular section was talking about being careful to avoid fostering envy in your heart and focusing on the false trappings of wealth and of pursuing wealth for its own sake. greed and envy have no place in true success and abundance.

in his book The 11 Forgotten Laws, bob proctor says, "2% of people think, 3% of people think they think and 95% of people would rather die than think!"

we all know people who are like that, who would rather die than think. we also know people who seem to think, but their lives reveal the fucktard within. most people are actually surprised when they meet someone who thinks, who walks their talk, and lives a life in integrity. i know i am.

well, i used to be. now that i seek people who are thinkers, believers, and honest integrity practitioners, i find them everywhere. i recently found a treasure trove of people like that, actually.

what started this whole entry was a quote by paul tournier that i just so happened to trip over. it said, "sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can."

does anyone remember the story of kara goucher, how she placed third in the NYC Marathon and in that race was the first woman in 14 years to place in the top three, and her time was a record-breaker for women in that race. this was after years of declining performance and injury after debilitating injury. but she switched coaches and kept training. during that race, the commentators kept saying things like, "oh look, and from behind, here comes kara. wouldn't it be funny if she placed?" but throughout the entire race never believed she would.

when interviewed, she said that she knew there were only two people there who believed she could place with a medal: her husband, and her coach. with kara, they were the only three people who believed in her, but they believed.

everyone can agree that actions produce consequences. nowadays, the word "consequences" has such a bad reputation and negative connotation, but all it means is something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition. all actions have consequences, all the way down to breathing. even by standing still, just breathing, you are consuming oxygen, burning energy, consuming water (in your cells), etc. just existing has consequences.

people never think any farther than this. but thoughts give birth to actions, and actions birth consequences.

this, in a nutshell, is the logic behind the premise in The Secret, how thoughts become things.

this doesn't encompass just anything in your life, however. and herein lies the secret frog you must eat: this encompasses everything in your life. every little...tiny...thing. from the place you live to the health of your heart; from whether you like your job to how much you sleep each night; from how many friends you have, to your relationship with your parents.

you contribute to them all. how you feel about them is up to you and only you. how it has affected you is up to you, and only you.

...and it all begins with a thought. now how powerful is that?

stay tuned for Part II, Frog-Eating and You: The Frog Prince

the morning after

2009-03-03T12:11:00.001-08:00

well...yesterday was The Great Today, where i began to achieve my new goal of becoming an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness.

i cannot tell you how overpowering my carb addiction withdrawals are right now, oh my goddess. usually they don't kick in for a few days going carb-free. well, yesterday i went with *cc* and Little Brother to my favorite grill and packed myself full of garlic-and-ginger veggie stir fry. so i wasn't hungry the rest of the day. i love that place, because i quite literally control exactly what goes onto my plate, and what's in it.

so even if i could have had carbs yesterday, i just wasn't hungry. but today, holy hell! i'm light-headed, there's a rock in my stomach, i'm antsy, exhausted, having horrid reflux, and can't even bring myself to even drink tea. honestly, i can't tell if i have a touch of the flu that's been going around, or if it's my own head creating this "OH MY GODS! NO CARBS!!" freakout and trying to convince me that i will fall over dead if i don't have pasta.

now, to be honest, i've heretofore been utterly unsuccessful quitting my carb addiction in times past. all i know is that i always feel ten worlds better after a huge bowl of spaghetti once a month when i get..."edgy." i think it's all the dopamine and sugars produced after white, gluten-laden pastas. because i actually don't get the same satisfaction or effect after eating my mexican beans and rice, or tortillas, or wheat bread.

gotta be the sugars and dopamine in white pastas, and we all know sugar and dopamine are addictive chemicals even though they're naturally produced in our bodies.

buckminster fuller said, "don't fight forces, work with them." so i'm looking for ways to implement what he said and not fight this addiction and its withdrawals (and my obsession over lack of pasta), but work with it. so far i've been unsuccessful finding a way to channel that excess energy. i imagine it just means i'm drawing closer to a solution, but i'm turning to my lovely iVillage --all of you-- to help me come up with ideas.

because it's exactly this addiction that derails me every time. and this time i will not fail in my endeavors to be an Eye-Popping Amazon.

in the meantime, i recommit to my goal today. now, in the spirit of taking better care of my body, i'm going to go lie down. i hope i''m not getting sick, and i'm thinking healthy thoughts, but you can never go wrong with getting rest.

time marches on

2009-03-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

so if yesterday i said, "eat, drink, and be merry! for tomorrow i diet," then i must admit that today is tomorrow.

and i have to admit that i got to bed an hour late and still woke up right on time. so i'm yawning like crazy. you know those, wide-mouthed, jaw-popping, eye-scrunching, near-violent yawns that flood your eyes with tears and make you a little light-headed? i keep taking off my reading glasses to rub my eyes. i put my glasses back on, only to take them off three second later to rub more yawn-induced tears out of my eyes.

i want to go back to bed.

instead i'm sitting here, writing this entry so i can --as boho mom said so perfectly-- be a role model.

y'know, i've worked out and dieted before. i've altered my eating habits for a lifestyle change. i've said, "i want a better body," but here i am, still stuck with the fat body i was born with. i've always been fat, my whole life. i don't know how to imagine me looking any other way. i was fat as a kid, fat as a teenager, and now i'm 204. which, btw, i find reprehensible.

but i've been watching myself slowly get a little cottage cheesy, and honestly i accepted it. i've fought against my weight my whole life, and nothing did more than help me shed maybe ten pounds and that was it. i've thought, all this time, that i would always look like this and never be my own personal version of beautiful. and i accepted it.

i gave in, and accepted it as my reality. and that, more than any other reason, is why i've remained a chunky chica this whole time.

never before --until now-- have i accepted something different. well, now i'm here and i've made the choice to accept that now...because i'm thirty, flirty, and fabulous...because this is the Year of the Funky Wow...because this is the Delenaissance...i'm making a different reality for myself. i accept that i can do this, and i will.

and even more importantly, i find accepting the reality of being fat and hating my body is UNacceptable. from here on out, i reject it. in its place, i accept the reality that i can be an Eye-Popping Amazon of Wild Hotness.

and i'm going to do it right. i've had no luck doing this on my own, so i'm going to employ help. i'm telling everyone i know, so i have their support and encouragement...and accountability. think of it like reinforcement when the confidence gets a little weak. which it will! i'm human, and i too have my cycles of ups and downs, confidence and self-doubt.

boho mom also reminded me of something else. in her last comment, she saids she vows to be here every day. correct me if i'm wrong, boho, but i think you meant you'll come here every day to keep yourself motivated to lose the Tostito Twenty (cousin to the Freshman Fifteen, lol).

well you know what? i promise to be here, too. i accept that i'll also be here every day because commitment --true commitment-- is a discipline to be practiced, exercised, and renewed every single day. too many people think commitment is a choice you make once and magically are resolute every single day for the rest of your life, when the truth is that it's a choice made anew every single day.

well, today i make the choice to commit to my decision to be an Eye-Popping Amazon of OMFG.

(and my yawns are gone)

eat, drink, and be merry...

2009-03-01T21:53:00.000-08:00

...for tomorrow i diet.

the other day, during my drug test and physical for the Orkin inspector position, i weighed in at 204 lbs.

this. was. horrifying.

i mean, after having a roomate who was morbidly obese, i saw the disgusting horrors of letting myself go, so it always gave me incentive to keep active and maintain a respectable diet.

but seeing 204 on that old-fashioned, calibrated counterweight scale made me very Not Pleased At All.

so starting tomorrow --the first weekday of a new month-- i'm going all-out. cold turkey quitting all my lovely, lovely carbs. no more eating meat simply because it's convenient for the people around me (and yes, being a vegetarian is DAMN DIFFICULT in a house full of enthusiastic carnivores). no more bagels and cream cheese.

*cries*

on the other hand, this position at Orkin will give me opportunities that no other job has, simply because of my salary. i plan on going back to total system cleansing (intestinal, kidney, liver), detox flushes, and i have made a promise to myself to work with a personal trainer and nutritionist the moment i have a steady income and have worked out my budget. considering i have 3 job offers, all of which i'm going to take, money will be easy.

and we all know that when delena sets her mind to something, she always gets it.

my goal is not a set number, not a weight or measurement. i know what i want to see in the mirror, and a feeling i want to have when i see my end result in the mirror.

how many people remember linda hamilton as sarah connor in Terminator 2?? or sigourney weaver as ripley in the Alien trilogy? that's my goal: to look as close to my two favorite action heroines as i physically can.

so let's see...i decided to get out of my depressive, self-injuring anti-Funk...and i did.

i decided to create the solid, loving family foundation and only have people in my life that supported and loved me wildly...and i did.

i decided i wanted love in my life...and i do.

i decided to take the next logical steps into the personal development major leagues, including school, networking, and working with professionals...and i did.

now, i'm deciding to sculpt and fashion my body into the most gorgeous, healthy, strong, and beautiful temple for my spirit...and i'm going to do it.

ask any figure in history who made a difference what their secret was, how they accomplished what they set out to do. mother teresa, gandhi, editor-in-chief of the L.A. Times...they all say the same thing:

i just set my mind to it.

chuck norris has a cat...

2009-02-28T22:50:00.000-08:00

Frog-Eating and You: Clean Your Plate

2009-02-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

facing your shadow self.

conquering your fears.

fighting your inner demons.

learning to be a better person.

all of these are different phrases for the same thing: what we here at iGoddess call Frog-Eating. however, i find that the first three examples make this ordeal seem like some huge, abstract, frightening thing. the fourth is too vague.

with "Frog-Eating," there's no ambiguity there. it might not be delicious, but it's definitely nutritious. it's difficult (anyone who says eating a live frog is easy is lying), gross, but doable. it's just a frog. you're bigger than a frog. you can hold a frog in your hand. you have opposable thumbs, so you automatically win.

from an evolutionary standpoint, anyway.

...at least, as long as we're not talking about tasks which include jumping up to 50 times your body length, because a frog's just quite simply got you beat there.

anyway...

last week iGoddess gave you four items on the Frog-Eating menu, tools to help you Eat the Frog. now, all of those exercises were created to help you learn to eat one particular frog. and if you guessed that the frog was Unconscious Living (or however you phrase a lack of conscious awareness of your thoughts and actions), then you were correct.

all of those exercises had one intention: to help you focus on what you were doing In The Now. to help you step back from yourself --like an objective observer, or an audience to your own life-- and see what the character of You was doing, thinking, saying, and feeling.

the Seek and You Shall Find exercise was designed to bump you off autopilot and put the controls back into your hands so you can pilot your own life. our thoughts are kind of like a radio, and can only be tuned to one frequency at a time. if your frequency is some variation of "life sucks today," then all you will pick up are examples of how life sucks today. that's why the exercise was to tune yourself to see one particular car on the road for a day, a week, whatever. it was to teach you that you can choose what to focus on, at what frequency you truly want to tune into. you can choose, and you can change it at will. so if there's something in your life you don't like, why are you focusing on it??? seek, and you shall find.

the Magical Mind-Reading Mystic Trick exercise was twofold: designed to show you how your thoughts govern your behavior, and that the world judges us on our behavior far more than our words. actions really do speak louder than words. if the universe was created with a Word, then what came first? the Word, or the Thought Behind the Word? because you can't have language without an idea, but you can't convey that thought without language. maybe they are one and the same. humankind can lie. but their actions never lie. and you cannot do something without thinking and believing in it, whether or not that thought, that belief, is conscious. mostly, it's subconscious for the majority of people. actions have consequences, and it is our actions and reactions which shape our lives. so what does the state of our lives, what happens to us, what we earn or don't earn, have or don't have, are or aren't...what does all that say about where our thoughts are?

the Anti-Funk Challenge was designed to help hold a mirror to yourself, to the thoughts and beliefs you direct at yourself. you know the ones: the ones you say to yourself unconsciously, automatically...the ones that are more like programming than real thoughts. and that's exactly what it is: programming. the exercise was to help bring the automatic responses closer to the surface so you could hear for yourself what you say to yourself on a daily basis, even minute-to-minute. did it help you? do you like your programming...or did you find you put yourself down more than anyone else ever could? did you like what you were telling yourself? or did you discover you really want to change what you keep feeding your mind and heart?

and lastly, the Positively Playful Prognostication exercise was a bit of a mutant, but it still was valid. most people, if given a choice, will avoid this exercise like the plague. i finally figured out why, too. people are comfortable in their self-created status quo. they don't like change. and they especially don't like the work involved in changing. it's like suddenly turning a small rudder on a large ship; the ship will turn, but the forces involved in turning that large ship are great indeed, and it will take a while for the ship to even know it's supposed to turn. most people are incapable of maintaining the strength and effort --and discipline-- involved in turning the ship that is their bad habits, laziness, procrastination, et al. and they don't like being shown just how unwilling they are to change, even when faced with undeniable truth of their own responsibility for the state of their lives.

these people are called fucktards.

luckily, the exercise was also designed to show you just how easy it is to build up the strength, momentum, and discipline to change your future by changing your present. and lastly, it was also designed to demonstrate how only a deeply rooted desire not to change is the only thing keeping you from taking your own future and creating it. that's right: you have to want things to stay the same in order to let all those "obstacles" conquer you. that's an ugly fact, and it's a frog most people will flat-out refuse to eat.

only the true, funkalicious FrogMasters ever manage to down that frog. only the masters.

now, i know i promised the other half of the exercises on the Appetizer Sampler Platter. well, here it is, and it's simple.

some of those exercises asked you to write things down. the only one that didn't was the Positively Playful Prognostication (and it's called "playful" because of just how freakin' fun it is once you get the hang of creatively shaping your own future). however, you can write down what you want your future to be. then write down all the obstacles that stand between you and your desired future.

take what you've written, no matter the exercise, and burn it. take a match to it, and watch it go up in flames. fire is cleansing, cauterizing, forging, healing. burn your negativity and scatter the ashes.

then, remembering nature abhors a vacuum, sit down and write something new. if you did the Seek exercise, write down what you want to see in your life, and use all positive language. write it in the present tense, as if you had it right now, at this moment. because when you visualize, you do have it at that moment, so it's accurate and truthful.

if you did the Mystic Trick exercise, describe aspects or characteristics that you'd like to have yourself. for instance, if you want to be punctual, or always honest, or dignified...whatever. just write it down. write, "i am _____!" and then list ways that you think that type of person would behave. write "i do these things," or some version thereof. if you want to be punctual, you'd write, "I am punctual! I leave my house in plenty of time to arrive at work/school/etc. I always have enough time to do the things I need to do. I set my alarm clock when necessary," et cetera.

if you did the Challenge, write new affirmations. if you have a miserable memory and are always losing track of things, write the opposite. "I have a fantastic memory! I remember things quickly and easily." or if you have a case of artists' block, you can write, "my creative thoughts empower me to act and follow through." if you're known for starting projects but not finishing them, you could write something like, "I am focused and motivated. When I dedicate myself to a project, I see it to its completion and am proud of the end result." and so forth.

and if you were brave enough to tackle the Prognostication exercise, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write down the future you see for yourself. get really descriptive. write your "exit strategy," your end result. then right down the action you took immediately prior to achieving your end result. take as much time as you need to write down a backward list of how you achieved that end result, back through time until it leads you to where you are right now, sitting in your chair writing out your future and backwards timeline. then sit back and admire it, because voila! you have just written out your plan to achieve your desired future.

now...i dare you to make it real.

i dare you to make it all real.

show them frogs who's boss!

EAT THE FROG!!!

wishcasting wednesday

2009-02-25T15:34:00.000-08:00

the lovely jaime over at starshyne productions has had wishcasting wednesday for a long time, now. i usually forget about it because up until recently, my memory wasn't so hot. but thanks to my affirmations and harnessing what i know about the Law of Attraction, my memory is extensive! i can remember things quickly and easily! (and that, my lovelies, is my memory affirmation!)

so here i am, jumping into wishcasting wednesdays. today the wish is, "to whom do you wish to send some love?"

well, honestly, i wanted to send love to *rf*, who moved out here to get away from a horrible marriage. it turns out he moved here for me, which i told him at the outset was the wrong reason to move. but move he did, and when *ds* and *ks* proved for once and all that they're just incurable fucktards, i realized it was well past time to let them go and leave their poison behind. unfortunately, that also meant leaving *rf*, who blamed me for feeling abandoned. (had he moved for the right reasons, the abandonment wouldn't have been an issue)

of course, that whole story is more centered around the theme of leaving the fucktards out of our lives. i didn't accept blame for things that weren't my responsibility, and because i flat-out refused to accept it, as did i refuse to apologize for certain things i didn't have to (you DO NOT apologize just because someone else apologizes; if you're not wrong, STAND YOUR GROUND!!). so we parted on bad terms.

but i made the choice not to let blossoming fucktard behavior pollute my life anymore, and that meant cutting him off.

but still, i think about him sometimes, and i hope he's getting his head on straight. he deserves it, after the miserable time he had with his wife. bad relationships are poison and should be left behind, period. he had the courage to go, which is more than i can say for another ex-friend of mine.

but still, i am made of love. if i've loved you, then in some chamber of my heart, there is always love for you, small but burning brightly.

i send love out to *rf*. i hope you're really out there, working to improve your life. you deserve nothing less than self-love and all the happiness the universe holds.

a-men. a-woman. ohhhmmm... and hallelujah.

brezsny-on-the-blog, The Delenaissance

2009-02-24T14:12:00.000-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In his book *The Invention of Air,* Steven Johnson says that as coffee drinking came into vogue in the 18th century, it became a driving force in the Age of Enlightenment. Prior to that time, alcohol had been the drink of choice -- more so even than water. As the stimulant replaced the intoxicant, the level of discourse rose dramatically. Creative ideas flourished and new discoveries and inventions proliferated. I bring this up, Capricorn, because I suspect that you're entering your own personal Age of Enlightenment. Imbibing caffeine may not be necessary to fuel it, since cosmic energies will be conspiring to inspire your mental processes.

it would make sense, considering alcohol's a depressant and caffeine's a stimulant, that if coffee came into vogue it would influence an upsurge of creativity. i mean, just think what a zip in your step coffee gives you!

to be honest, i do feel like i've been entering a Delenaissance, my very own Age of Aquarius. and i think my birthday was just the official starting of it, because i've felt this way for a while. it's hard to describe, but just the way the world appears to me is different. people can tell about their problems, and the way i hear the story is different. as is what i think to myself.

there's a lot less, "oh, poor you," and a lot more, "why don't you shut up and solve the problem instead of wasting your energy complaining to me about it?" i'm a lot more judicious as to who i believe deserves my sympathy and help. the gods help those who help themselves. i know this to be true.

in the things i've learned over the years, and especially more recently, the things i hear just make more sense. i've been utterly drowning myself in tony robbins, bob proctor, mike dillard, bill harris, and others...and what they say makes sense. for christmas, i was given the book "happy for no reason" by marci shimoff, and i could have sworn the woman spied on me for the last two years and wrote down everything i did during my evolution into this fantabulous FunkMaster that i am now.

it's really spectacular to look at some of the manuals out there and recognize the mile markers i've already hit.

and i was offered a job from the lovely people at StuckinaRut.com over coffee with the owner and his son a few weeks ago. they recognized that i understood things about personal development the regular person doesn't. they loved my spirit and funky personality. hell, they even loved my email signature: May the Funk be with you! http://lillithdee.blogspot.com. talk about amazing, i thought. here are thunder walkers in the personal development industry, and they've recognized me as one of them.

i'm on the right path, doing the right things, learning and growing. and thunder walkers i look up to and respect turned to me and said, "join us. you have what it takes, and we recognize you."

i can't describe the feeling. i will take them up on their offer, and continue to grow in a completely different league now.

also, more fantastic news, another job i've been interviewing for was offered to me today. i'll be an inspector for Orkin Pest Control. for where i'm headed, i feel the position will teach me a lot about business and sales. it's another step on my path to wealth and financial freedom.

for in this Delenaissance, i understand that all things are possible. as a woman thinketh, so is she. seek, and i shall find. knock, and the door shall be opened unto me. for all these things are possible in the universe, and when i can Be the person i want to be, and Do the things this wealthy and knowledgeable person does, then i will Have the life i want.

may the Funk be with you.

wanna hear the strangest secret in the world?

2009-02-23T23:19:00.001-08:00

between everything else that people are doing out there --jamie's 12 Secrets, brandi's joy rebel army, and others-- not to mention catching up on each others' blogs, leaving comments, emailing, going to creative workshops, not to mention keeping up with life outside of blogland, i know people's time is limited.

so i just wanted to post this, and leave it up to everyone else whether or not to listen to it. i promise, it's much more appealing than eating frogs.

speak! the world is listening.

2009-02-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

it arrived a tad late, but my li'l bro sent me a webcam for my birthday. of course, the gift was self-serving, as he wanted to be able to talk to me over skype. so the gift was as much for himself as it was for me.

however, you'll not hear me complaining!

so now i have this abso-fraggin-lutely fantabulous Logitech 1.3 megapixel webcam set up on my desk, and Skype is downloaded.

if you don't have it, it's free downloadable VOIP software, and calls made to other Skype users are free. you can even call landlines and cell phones for a modest fee (or pay a monthly fee). it also has text message features, chat, file sharing, and video conferencing.

for the first time in years, i was able to see my li'l bro and talk to him! it was hilariously fun, and the best part is that it's FREE!

i just wanted to post how much fun it is, and to tell everyone to get it if you haven't already. it's so much fun! and great for all those long-distance friends in different time zones, always wondering when someone's free evening or weekend minutes kick in and hoping it won't be too late for whoever you're calling (or if you're the one doing the calling, having to wait until 10pm for those west coast 7pm free evening cell phone minutes to kick in!).

it's fun, it's free. give it a shot!

and if any of you out there ever wanna call me, leave a comment or email me, and i'll send you my Skype username.

Frog-Eating and You: The Savory Appetizer Sampler Platter

2009-02-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

one thing I think is kind of funny is that, to help further my Eat the Frog! campaign, I decided to start researching frogs, where they come from, how they live, and what they do.

frogs are really quite fascinating little creatures. and their songs are beautiful.

i've even gotten a few emails about the deliciousness of frog legs. i hear they taste like chicken. kinda...

and people have asked me where that phrase even came from: Eat the Frog! so i did a little digging and found that once upon a time, mark twain once said "if the first thing you do every morning is eat a live frog, you should be able to go through the rest of your day knowing that the worst part of your day is over."

so there you go. we're not talking deep-fried dee-licious frog legs, but a live, wiggling, bulgy-eyed, web-toed frog.

i'm going to assume that unless you're a few species of lizard, snake, or stork, eating a live frog really would be the worst part of your day.

so what are some ways to eat a frog? there are as many ways to Eat the Frog as there are frogs to eat. maybe a better question would be: what are some of the common frogs?

honestly, the largest and most common frogs i see are doubt, fear, and cynicism.

how many times have you said, "how could i possibly do ______?" (fill in the blank with something you knew could improve your life but chose not to do) how often did you look at something you wanted to do, or make, or write, and you didn't because you knew there was no way your efforts could compare to someone else's who was better, smarter, more experienced, etc?

can you remember a time you wanted to take a risk, try a new venture, and suddenly your mind was filled with the "what if?" consequences of failure?:
"what if i make all these paintings/jewelry/crocheted scarves and no one buys them?"
or even the more subtle, "i could buy that ten dollar book that would teach me how to market my at-home craft store better, but that's ten dollars that could go to lunch meat and milk."

in the first examples, the doubt is "there's no way i'm as good as those other people." in the other examples, the fear is "what if i go to all that work for nothing?" and "if i buy this, we'll go hungry."

now, when you're standing there at the store, or on that website's capture page staring at the Visa/Mastercard/Paypal click bar, you don't realize that's what you're really thinking. i would even be willing to bet there's less verbalized doubt and fear, and more just pictures in your mind and an emotion gripping you in the gut, am i right?

what about cynicism? "oh yeah, sure. visualization and affirmation is going to make my broke ass a millionaire? uh huh." in this case the cynicism is the disbelief in your source's honesty and opposing belief that they're trying to do nothing but scam you. and possibly coupled with that is the doubt that you're even worthy of being a millionaire.

you've heard the saying, "if it's too good to be true, it probably is."

Dee's Frog Appetizers Du Jour
Seek and You Shall Find
The Magical Mind-Reading Mystic Trick
The anti-Funk Challenge
Positively Playful Prognostication!

Seek and You Shall Find:
this saying is very, very well known. and it's such a simple saying! however, i'm not surprised that it is also a saying that's so easily misinterpreted or forgotten.

all it means is "If you keep your eyes open for something, you will find it."

Exercise:
think of a car you really like (i love BMW 520's and 300's). go to their website, and check out a few. tinker around with their custom order forms if they have one. (i love those! you can change colors, hubcaps, tint the windows, etc, and the picture changes with your alterations) go nuts and have fun for a few minutes. really think about that car, imagine sitting inside it. feel the steering wheel in your hands, the sound of the motor, the smell of the new-car interior. now, when you go out for the rest of your day, count how many of those cars you see.

do this for one week. record your results. even if all you do is write "saw three more today" on the back of a stained receipt at the bottom of your purse, that's better than nothing.

The Magical Mind-Reading Mystic Trick:
in the Book of Mirdad, it states: "So think as if your every thought were to be etched in fire upon the sky for all and everything to see. For so, in truth, it is."

my teacher once said, "live each moment of your life as if tomorrow you would find it on the front page of the L.A. Times." when i first heard the quote by Michail Naimi, i thought that's what it meant; living as if my every action were exposed, so don't sneak around or lie or do anything to get into trouble.

well...kinda. yes, and no. yes, because one's thoughts and actions truly are visible to everyone. no, as in don't get paranoid about it.

Exercise:
think back to a time when a friend of yours approached you and told you a big piece of news. "my son just got accepted to MIT!" or "my friend's car got wrecked last night by a bunch of teenagers."

in the first example, maybe you thought something along the lines of, "wow! her son must be really smart and study really hard." in the second example, maybe you thought, "stupid kids drinking and driving."

the truth is, you have no idea any details other than what your friend told you. however, because of what happened in their lives, you know something about them. for the friend's son that got accepted to a prestigious school, you know that kid had to study hard for years, and so is probably very disciplined, motivated, doesn't fool around, and is responsible. why? how would you know this? you can see it.

now look at your own life. what do you say about it? "i can barely make ends meet," or "lately i'm just so stressed out all the time," or even "nobody respects me."

what about your life, your thoughts and actions, are etched in fire for the world to see?

The anti-Funk Challenge:
this one's a little more difficult, but i know that all of you, my lovelies, are up to the Challenge.

you know the friend that always breezes into work ten, fifteen minutes late? you know the one. jokes are always made about them, or maybe your manager always grumbles about them. "what are you talking about?" they say, maybe laughing. "ten minutes late is early for me!" or maybe your other co-workers just adjust their day on the assumption that this person will be late.

what does everyone say about them? "they're always late." what does this person say about themselves? "i'm always late to things! i just can't seem to be on time." or maybe what they say is more subtle. something like, "no matter what i do, i always fall behind."

Exercise:
take one day --tomorrow-- and from the time you wake up to the time you close your eyes, pay attention to what you say about yourself. write down those things you say often. it could be, "i'm a fantastic cook," or "god, this place is a mess!" especially write down the things you blurt out with emotion, whether it's frustration, anger, excitement...anything. let's say you spill coffee in your lap in the car in morning traffic because someone cut you off and you had to slam on the brakes.

"dammit!" you growl. "i can't do anything right today!"

for this exercise, just write down those things you tell yourself about yourself throughout the day. i promise you, within minutes you'll be more conscious of what you say...and what you think.

Positively Playful Prognostication:
Abraham Lincoln once said, "Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing." also in line with this saying is another: "the best way to predict your future is to create it."

so...create it. my health guru Dr. Schultze says "Tomorrow is what you believe and do today!"

if you're always telling yourself, "i'll get to it tomorrow," or "someday i'm going to [insert dream scenario here]" then you're cheating yourself. the words "tomorrow" and "someday" convey an idea of the future. but they're just that: an idea, a concept. you can't put your hands on "tomorrow." in fact, there's no guarantee of tomorrow. yesterday is gone forever, and tomorrow is a concept.

all you have is today. all you can put your hands on is here in today. all you can do, you do today...or not at all. what good does it do you to say, "[some time in the future] we'll have more money," or "i'll start writing tomorrow," or "i'll take that class next term," or "i'll buy that tony robbins cd when i have more money?"

what good does it do you if you keep putting it off until "tomorrow?" because tomorrow will never come; it will always be "tomorrow," or "someday" or some other time in the future.

one of the ideas of quantum physics, proven scientific fact, is that at any given moment we are the sum of our past, future, and present all at once.

if you ate that huge plate of spaghetti last night, today you feel kinda heavy, bloated, and a bit more jiggly in the hips or butt. today you feel it. if it's not your habit to exercise, then tomorrow that jiggly is going to still be jiggling on your hips. however, at present you also hold all the potential and possibility for tomorrow. in simple english this means you have the power RIGHT NOW to wake up tomorrow without the jiggly with a little extra water, electrolytes, and a bit of walking today.

tomorrow never comes. all you have is today.

Exercise:
go through your mental list of things you've been putting off. i'm sure there's a long one somewhere inside your brain. take one of those things on your list, dust it off, and state what you want it to look like when it's finished. write it down, but write it in the present tense.

for example, i'm crocheting a poncho right now. i'm only 5 rows in, so it looks nothing like a poncho. but i would say: "I have a soft, gorgeous poncho that looks great and fits me perfectly!"

robert kiyosaki calls it "having your exit strategy." it means holding a picture in your mind of where you want to end up. you can't know how to get somewhere if you have no idea where you're going.

now, have your entry strategy. in my case, having yarn, a crochet hook, a pattern, scissors, and a comfortable place to sit.

now comes the in-between:
what do you need to do daily to complete your dusted-off, poor, neglected project or task?

maybe you have to eat the "Over-Developed Sense of Responsibility Frog" and set aside half an hour every night after dinner in order to get it done, and delegate the dishwashing to someone else. you know, someone else can do the frickin' dishes, for cryin' out loud! or maybe you have to eat the "Avoiding and Procrastinating By Playing Spider Solitaire Frog" and give up trying to beat your high score, and sit down, be alone with yourself, and do it.

you will never finish what you want to finish if you keep putting it off until tomorrow, or next month, or when there's more money, or more time, or anything else.

you will only finish it if you get your froggy little butt in gear and do it today. because today is all you have, and all you will ever have. and if you keep putting it off, you're cheating no one but yourself.

and if, in the back of your mind you know that you really won't ever get to it, not really...then that makes you a lying cheat.

you don't really want to be a lying cheat to yourself, do you?
--------

now, feel free to order any or all of these on the Sampler Platter. this is all about Frog-Eating, after all.

anything you try, keep track for a week either by writing it down --on a sticky note, a journal, your blog, that stained receipt at the bottom of your purse, whatever-- and keep everything you write. next week i'm going to introduce the other half of those exercises.

but choose an exercise, do it for one week, every day. record your experiences, and see how it changes how you see things, how you talk to yourself, how you think.

and above all else...

Eat the Frog!

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-02-18T13:32:00.000-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Even when you are not feeling your best, you try hard. You're strong when things are broken. Where there is hurt, you rise up with surprising resilience to provide help and inspiration. If there are people who don't know where they are or where they're going, you are often a beacon of calm. Thank you, my beautiful friend. I applaud your urge to fight for justice not only in service to yourself but also on behalf of others who can't be as composed as you are when things are broken. And I'm happy to inform you that the favors you're doling out now will ultimately be returned in kind when you least expect it.

this warms my heart. no, it really does.

lately i've gotten a lot of signs telling me that i'm on the right track, and a lot of green lights one right after another. so not only am i on the right track, but the universe is making my trip easier and smoother and more streamlined with each passing day.

and then i receive this in my email box.

i've often been told that i'm a beacon of calm when others are losing their heads over things. part of me likes to attribute it to the capricorn in me, but i honestly think it's just the way my brain works. other people are freaking out because the sky is falling, and i'm there going, "okay, get an umbrella. duh."

more and more, i find that when i'm "freaking out" as people say, or getting worried, i'm simply expressing my overwhelm while my brain is working out how to solve it. sometimes situations overwhelm me to the point where all i can feel is the seeming immensity of it.

but that's all it is: seemingly immense. not that it's actually immense.

my mind is just trying to work out a larger-than-usual bite it just took.

i'm strong when things are broken. where there is hurt, i am resilient and inspiring. where there is insecurity, i am bolstering. where there is cynicism, i am shiny and hopeful. mr. brezsny's words remind me of the Prayer of St. Francis, which was my favorite prayer as a child. it was one of my favorite songs to sing at mass, and st. francis was my special saint. i felt a connection to him and his desire to go out and simply help people and connect with them, to extend his empathy and be the moment of support they needed really struck something in me, even as a child.

i love helping people. i just. love. helping people.

and i know mr. brezsny says the favors and kindnesses i'm giving out now will be returned in kind. the universe is forever conspiring to shower me with blessings. however, i just want to put it out there that the joy of truly helping someone, of giving in that special way that i have is the first blessing. that i receive anything for it just means i am doubly blessed. talk about a return on investment. =)

and so i leave you with this meditation. enjoy.

Frog-Eating and You: "Trying" to Eat the Frog

2009-02-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

"No! No try. Do. Or do not. There is no 'try.'"
--Yoda, Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

a very good and funky friend of mine texted me tonight with a very alarming lament: her mother has lost her Funk and was spiraling into depression. this concerned me, because i've met her mother and think she's a totally delightful and wonderfully wacky, sparkling woman. i love her to death. so for such a spectacularly funky woman to be caught in the grips of the anti-Funk was dismaying.

of course, being a follower of the Night Mother and long-time servant of the Goddesses of War, Death, and Destruction, i also understand that the anti-Funk is just another one of their tools used for pruning away the excess. it's a little death we suffer, so that we need not suffer the agony of one great, big death at the end.

so, really, nothing's "good" or "bad," even the anti-Funk. our opinions and perspectives assign "good" and "bad."

but there was still the issue of my friend's mother being depressed. i don't like hearing that, and so i offered help in the best way i knew how: Conquering the anti-Funk by Working With It. my friend said to me her mother was fighting her depression, and fighting hard.

Sir Isaac Newton stated that, "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

so it only stands to reason that the harder she was fighting, the harder the depression was clinging. when a frog pushes down and back with its legs, the frog flies forward and up into the air. it's called "hopping," and frogs do it really well. but for every action (pushing down and back with its legs), there is an equal and opposite reaction (the frog flies forward and up). the harder the frog pushes, the farther it hops.

so my first piece of advice was: "stop fighting."

so here's the first frog:

what bad habit or negative thought/belief is biting you in the ass? if you're constantly strapped for cash and every time you think of bills you get the sensation of having swallowed a rock that's just sinking your gut, maybe your bad habit is a lack of self-control in spending money. or, if you have great spending habits but are always broke...maybe your negative belief is how you view money altogether: you have an "always broke" mentality, a vision of yourself as always being poor, always barely making ends meet. so your thoughts are projecting into your future, and your thoughts are dictating your actions, which then manifest your broke situationa. you say to yourself, "high-paying jobs are hard to find" and then, having made your own broke-colored glasses, you go out into the world and see exactly that: high-paying jobs are hard to find.

et cetera.

so...you gotta find the frog. this one's a teenie li'l bugger. he's been hiding in some tiny little corner of your life, of your brain, and you've been listening to his teenie little chirps and ribbits for so long you don't even hear it anymore. you take him for granted. so you don't know where he lives, or what he looks like.

the good news is that he leaves signs. look for spoor. look for chewed-on food wrappers and holes chewed into cereal boxes. look in places where a frog would love to live and be comfortable. look hard. if your problem is disorganization, is it because you're procrastinating or absent-minded, or something else? what would solve the problem?

listen to the excuses you make to yourself.

in fact, make a list of them. write them out so you can see them with your own eyeballs. those excuses, good as they may seem to you, are the ribbits the frog is making from his hidden little corner, the sneaky bastard.

why do those excuses seem justified? you know they're not true because your life is a mess in that particular area...so why are you holding onto those excuses and believing them? they're not serving you, obviously.

what are the priorities in your life, that this aspect of your life has been tabled to the point where it's disrupting your life and causing you problems? now, a word of caution: answering this question is likely to uncover an entire army* of frogs.

frogs such as selfishness, insecurity, lying to oneself, addiction (and addiction can come in many forms, from substance abuse to the perpetuation of bad relationships), not having your needs met, etc. you might lift up a rock and an entire army of frogs of all colors and sizes just might start hopping everywhere and totally freak you out. it's happened before. so by all means, be careful answering this question, but for your own sake...answer it.

i suggested to my friend her mother stop fighting her depression and anti-Funk, and work with them. in ninjitsu, jujitsu, tai-chi, and many other combat arts, the idea is to utilize your opponent's force to your own advantage. don't fight and meet your opponent head-on, because then you have to contend with the pain of impact from not only the force of your opponent's attack, but added to your own attack as well.

instead take their force, add it to your own, and channel them both toward your own aims.

to do this, look at your list of thoughts and excuses. look at your damaging habits and activities. ask yourself how they serve you, and be honest. i bet you'll find that they don't serve you nearly as well as you've led yourself to believe.

the next thing to ask is how you can change the thought to make it constructive. alter a word or two and make a negative statement positive. in some cases, you may have to scrap the entire thought and create something entirely new.

here's a personal example:

i've been a mind-boggling insomniac since i was fifteen years old. for a few years, i was sleeping only on saturdays, and awake the rest of the week straight. a good night was 4 interrupted hours of sleep. and i'm such a light sleeper that i can lie awake in bed for four, five hours before nodding off...only to have the sound of the cat walking on my carpet wake me up. it's an insane way to live, and over fifteen years i've tried everything everyone could think of. nothing helped.

i'd finally just accepted living a live of exhaustion and mild desperation, migraines, lethargy...

i was saying, "i just don't sleep. nothing can help me." and this was my truth. it's gotten in the way of my health (and been very damaging), my sanity (sleep deprivation psychosis is NOT fun), and it's honestly just a really big pain in my butt. and that was my reality.

HOWEVER, i reinforced my reality by brainwashing myself. i stayed up later and later, pushed through those moments when my eyelids would droop, made my roomates paranoid about waking me up. all those years telling myself i could never sleep, how it was impossible for me to fall asleep easily. and it got worse every year, and i said it got worse every year. i told everyone.

i made my reality.

so now my reality is, "Sleep is great! I fall asleep naturally and easily." of course, i don't set myself up for failure. i gave up caffeine, keep myself hydrated, maintain a bedtime, listen to soothing tapes when i lie down. i changed my habits to help midwife this new existence where sleep is easy and natural for me.

so when i suggested working with her mom's depression and transforming her negative thoughts into positive affirmations, my friend told me her mom had "tried" a few of those things, and meditation, among other things.

okay, i have a problem with the word "try." a serious problem. it's one thing to try a new dish; in that case, "try" is another word for "sample," as in tasting a new dish you haven't encountered before. and "trying" a new sport is to test it out, to participate for the first time. but the word "try" as in "make an attempt" is something i have a serious problem with. i don't like it, and here's why.

to illustrate why, i suggested this little exercise to my friend to illuminate the difference between "trying" something and "doing" it. i texted, "'try' to move your toe. don't move it. TRY to move it."

it was one of the lessons illustrated in the book The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right For You. this was one of the definitive books for me in teaching me how to be my own woman and become --as i've mentioned before-- my own funky soulfreak and perfect mate. it was stated in much calmer terms, more straightforward, but it's a fantastic manual for learning how to rock into Oneness with the Funky Jive.

after all...

it's only when we're whole that we know what we have to offer.

(the other book that's a really great, practical guide is an eBook called Dating Without Drama by paige parker)

but back to the point:
i suggested my friend do this little exercise to bring home the difference in "try" vs. "do." one gets something accomplished. the other one is useless, and only exists in the vocabulary of the excuse-makers and fucktards. us of the Funky Wow know (and i know you're funky yourself because you're reading this blog) that Funk is a verb, a whole state of being, and not just an idea.

my friend loved the experiment, by the way.

don't try to eat the frog...

EAT THE FROG!!!

you know you want to.

------
*trivia: the collective noun for a group of frogs is an "army" of frogs. there is also a "chorus" of frogs, but this is exclusive to male frogs singing to attract females. a "knot" is the collective noun for a group of toads.
source: ojohaven.com

Frog-Eating and You: Eating Frogs for Fun and Profit

2009-02-12T11:24:00.000-08:00

i just read the most interesting line just now. like, just now, and so i had to share it.

i just received mark joyner's book the irresistible offer and was reading a special "letter to the customer" type thing that you commonly get when you purchase things through ClickBank. i like ClickBank. they're good people.

anyway, mark's talking about how less than 1% of people who purchase books on improving their business ever read the book, utilize the information, and utilize it properly. those odds, quite frankly, suck. he goes on to say something that many people in the business industry know: the profitable and successful people are the people who do what no one else is willing to do.

well, um...duh.

mr. joyer says, "...it's called 'frog eating,' and if you're the one who will eat the frog, you will be assured a lucrative income anywhere in the world for the rest of your life."

the same is true for personal development, improving your life, taking charge of who you are and who you will be, what you want and what you have. those people who are willing to do what less than 1% of the crowd is willing to do are the ones who walk around in a constant state of peace and happiness that can never be touched by outside influences. they're happy from the inside, and their lives reflect that intangible "Something" they know that no one else can even understand.

why?

they ate the frog.

now, everyone hears this, and because they understand english i know they comprehend the words i'm saying. but understanding is a totally different animal, and people forget this. why?

"because frogs taste like crap, delena!" you say.

well, yeah. but the people who have learned to like the taste of frogs find frog eating to be quite a fun and enjoyable pasttime. they make it more than a hobby, or a sport. they hold seminars on such things as:

Eating Frogs for Fun and Profit

Little-Known Secrets of Better Frog-Eating

Frogs the Whole Family Can Enjoy!

Frogs on the Go: Tips and Tricks to Fit Frogs Into Your Busy Schedule

You've Mastered the Green Frog, Now What? (Tree Frogs, Poison Dart Frogs, and Other Types for the Adventurous FrogMasters)

et cetera.

frog-eaters form MeetUps and groups on Facebook. they coordinate with other frog-eaters and form blogrolls, have annual workshops or bi-weekly frog tasting parties. they love eating frogs! even the poisonous ones.

especially the poisonous ones.

why? well, allow me to share with you a little-known secret. have you read Dune? remember the bene jesserit sisters, masters of the Weirding Way, able to move as a blur, use the Voice to command...and able to swallow poison and change it in their bodies to neutralize it or turn it into something beneficial to them.

master frog-eaters know this technique, so those things that people say are "too hard," or they "could never do that!" or it's "too painful," or my favorite: "it's all right for you, but that's just not something the rest of us can do," are easy-peasy for FrogMasters.

well ain't that just a big, fat pile of steaming bovine bollwocky!

well...yes and no.

anyone can learn to eat frogs, and whether it becomes a favorite activity and they love the taste, or if it's something they grimace and do while chewing really fast (and washing it down with a ton of water) is completely up to the person. but frog is definitely an acquired taste.

frogs like "facing fear," and frogs like "looking in the mirror and meeting your own eyes."

frogs like "being completely honest with yourself," and even frogs like "cleaning out the bad habits and friends in your life."

those are some tough frogs to chew, and even tougher to swallow. and the frogs like "facing fear" look like poison dart frogs to the common masses: especially horrible and to be avoided at all costs. "OH NO!!" people shout. "call poison control! call 911!! delena's just poisoned herself!"

"no i didn't," i say, and keep on popping those poison frogs like appetizers.

...so what frogs have you eaten lately? how'd they taste? but even more importantly, what were the health benefits afterward? how did eating that frog change your life for the better? and looking back, with those amazing benefits frog-eating gave you, wasn't eating that frog just totally, whacked-out crazy FUN??!?

and if you haven't eaten the frog yet...what are you waiting for?

c'mon...

...eat the frog.

you know you want to

lolbearz

2009-02-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

more animals

i thought, in light of how once upon a time all the king's doctors and all the king's men thought delena was bipolar...

y'know, for a laugh. =)

delena haiku

2009-02-09T00:24:00.001-08:00

new beginnings are
within reach for all of us.
carpe somnium!*

credendo vides!
the cry is music; soulspeak...
something we all hear.

what is it you want?
people just really want life,
vitality, hope.

what is it you want?
people just really want love.
they want to be loved.

can you tell me now:
who are you? can you tell me?
do you really know?

the secret is out;
hey, by believing, one sees.
you can see it all.

it only takes faith.
faith precedes the miracle.
just open your eyes.

carpe somnium!*
faith in life, and love, and self.
you can make things new.

"people just really want life and love"
-me

-------
carpe somnium: *sieze the dream

...but einstein said it...

2009-02-09T00:16:00.000-08:00

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds..."
--Einstein

see? one of the greatest minds of the 20th century, and of human history, and he says the same thing i do! he just puts it way more politely. i put it more succinctly. less flowery, perhaps, but succinct:

doing the right thing is only difficult when you're surrounded by fucktards.
--me

oh yeah. me 'n albert, we go way back. high five, al. high five.

the winner's circle

2009-02-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

in the last few days, i've received two awards for this blog. life's been kinda crazy-hectic what with school application requirements and job hunting going on (more on that later), and then everyone in my house came down with something at the same time so i've been feeling really wiped out.

so i decided to post my awards today and let the feelings of joy, specialness, and appreciation lift my spirits a little. then i'm gonna go back downstairs and make myself something hot and soupy, curl up on the futon, and watch more Babylon 5.

so the inspirational and uplifting gypsy over at the Creative Soul Explosion (her blog is so aptly named, i totally adore it!) flew over iGoddess and sprinkled it with happiness, zest, and this lovely award of note:

isn't it so pretty! thank you, gypsy! *hugs* and so, along with this art award, i must name 7 things i love, and pass the award on.

i love...

curling up with my rumbles on the couch, snuggling beneath a thick blanket, and taking an afternoon nap
the feeling i get after finishing a crochet piece. it seems kinda silly to feel so much pride, wonder, and accomplishment over a scarf, or an afghan, but i've always admired aritsts and composers who could think of something, see it in their minds, and then manifest it beautifully. writing is a type of art, i know...but they're just words. something about crochet is different because i can put my hands on it, feel the textures and admire the colors, and say, "i made this!"
my family. what can i say about them that hasn't already been said? my possibilities for growth are infinite because my family feeds my soul.
everything about the blog: i love my blog, from Haven to Musings to iGoddess, for giving me a magic mirror through which i could see my true face and learn to love it; for the friends i've met through my blog, and how much connection and laughter we've given each other; for the iVillage, all of us who gather together and support one another, cheer each other on, lend support and encouragement when things aren't so easy, and the sense of female connection and belonging.
i love food. omg, i love food. i love cooking it, arranging it, smelling it, eating it, and sharing it. i love gathering around the table at my parents' house, toasting our health and life, and feeling safe and warm and loved there in the center of everything.
my hatchling. this one's a given.
my life, quite honestly. i love everything about it and everything in it. i love how it's turned out, and i love where it's heading. i love who i am, and the people who surround me. i love my life!

-=[@]=-

and the lovely and divinely inspired genie sea over at Reality Insanity honored iGoddess with the Lemonade award! i love it! so now iGoddess has a little lemonade stand so you can come over, help yourself to some refreshing, crisp, and sweet lemonade while you peruse the "rockalicious funkadelity" (to use genie sea's words, which ROCK!)

she also said that i'll "shazam" you. i almost keeled over, i love it! woo! iGoddess will shazam you with bootylicious jiggyfunk! *falls into a heap of giggles* omg, that's funktastic.

so now i must tag nine people who's blog i think needs a lemonade stand up at their blogs. plus i need to tag seven people to bestow the art award.

as well as the universe works, secretly conspiring to shower blessings on everyone, i am very happy to say that almost everyone i would tag has already received both these awards.

however, i do want to make special note for jane over at her painted house. she totally deserves the art award more than anyone else i know. she's got this gorgeous eye for photography: for fun, funky, impromptu, and real pictures. she doesn't give us "perfect" photos of stilted, photographic art so much as she uses the camera to open up a window for us so she can show us a real slice of her life. and her life is beautiful. her life is art. she's living it! and she's a work of art. it's a magic she has with the camera. not to mention the magic in her hands to make gorgeous aprons, beaded jewelry (that i lovelovelove and want money to buy them!), and frames, and journals, and all that lovely, lovely food she always takes pictures of which always makes the painted house an interactive blog because i see those pictures and my stomach growls. hell, it's growling right now just thinking about it!

thanks, jane! now i have to go downstairs and scrounge. =P it's all your fault.

may the Funk be with you!

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-02-08T00:26:00.000-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may find it hard to believe that imprecise language could undermine your ability to merge with your heart's desire. But it's true. Your biggest wish may never be fully granted as long as you're lazy or sloppy about how you articulate it. Try this:
Write down a brief statement that crisply sums up the one experience you want more than anything else in life. Preface it with this assertion: "I am doing everything possible to accomplish the following goal." Memorize this magic formula and repeat it twice a day until your wish is fulfilled, even if that takes ten years. P.S. It will work best if you don't include anything about how certain people need to change in order for your longing to be fulfilled.

these things tend to get easier, i think, once i stop fighting myself. in fact, reading this week's horoscope from my dear mr. brezsny helped me to realize just how blessed i really am. the universe really is conspiring as hard as it can to shower me with blessings.

i actually sat here and spent days considering what it is i really wanted. but there's just so much i want, so much that inspires me, so many dreams i have!

there was a day once upon a time when you could ask me, "how are you today?" and i would panic because i didn't have an answer for you. i honestly didn't know. and if i couldn't even tell you how i was that day, how could i tell you what i wanted? surely i'd have answered, "i don't know. i don't want anything."

my mind is so free, so open, that when i'm asked, "what is the one experience you want more than anything else in life?" my response is: "well, there's just so much out there!" although if i had to sum it up, i'd have to say:

"i want a beautiful home that inspires me to be happy, with my loving husband and healthy, wonderful child/ren sharing that beauty and happiness with me."

yes, Universe, this is what i want most. and i assure you...

...i am doing everything possible to accomplish this goal.

sidenotes

2009-02-04T00:33:00.000-08:00

we'll return to our regularly scheduled Funk, but first some brief announcements.

i wanted to thank everyone who's been leaving comments the last few posts. it's really meant a lot to me, and shown me in fantastic detail just how firmly on the right track i really am. it's always said that when you finally come into true alignment with yourself, when you resound with honesty and true harmony, you'll ring out like a crystal glass when you glide your finger along its lip. every part of you will sing, and it will grow louder by virtue of its genuine-ness, and people will stop to listen...and then those around you of the same frequency will begin to ring out in chorus.

the readers of iGoddess, who understand what Brezsny calls "Pronoia" and what i call your "inner Funk," are the chorus. you are my chorus, my beacon, my integrity check and my point of reference. yes, i'm on the right track. thank you for helping to show this to me.

and along my creativity, i've made something. all by myself! true, it's simple, but i finished crocheting a soft, grey wool blanket. it still needs edging, and fringe, but construction is complete! and i've begun a scarf with yarn almost as soft as rabbit fur. it's tough as hell to work with, not as straightforward as the wool i was working with. and the pattern is one i just came up with, experimented with the stitch count, and...it's working, but because i can't really find individual stitches, it looks a little like...well... to be honest, it looks like a beginner's piece. of course, i am a beginner, but i'm also really proud that even two rows into it, the pattern was clearly visible. loooong fringe is gonna go on that scarf when it's done, and i plan to wear it to school.

i've been having a blast crocheting. it's a homely activity, and that suits me just fine. not to mention i'm making useful things, pretty things, and there's a certain satisfaction that comes of being able to look at something and say, "i made that."

my household --*cc* my sister, *mj* my bro-in-law, and now our newest addition *ll* our "little brother"-- has started up our old LARP troupe. that's Live-Action Role Play for you non-gamers out there. and since we learned our lessons last time, we're being a little more choosy about who gets to play with us. we have a strict "no fucktards allowed" policy, since we're all highly allergic. and it's been a blast. the last three days we've been conniving and plotting every minute we could get our heads together. it's fun to be able to create a story with others in some medium other than movies or books.

with movies, you sit and watch. while this is engaging in its own way, sometimes my butt just gets sore from sitting so long. and reading is marvelous...but i still don't have reading glasses yet and the migraines are terrible, and sometimes sitting alone gets boring. writing is its own set of challenges and, while i still am dedicated to the Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, again...it's a solitary pasttime. being able to get with others and actively create a great story, to dress as our characters and be them for a night, to be part of the action, is refreshing. not to mention great for having to think on your feet.

even adults need to "play pretend" once in a while. it's a great world, a wonderful backdrop, and an engaging story. we're having so much fun, laughing, and drinking much wine. i always am reminded of *cc*'s toast on my birthday: "to a new year, to being with family where you belong..." and she's right.

i look around me, smiling and contented, and i think to myself, "here's to family, indeed."

fucktards hate me. this is good.

2009-02-01T11:59:00.000-08:00

you know how there are the fabled "signs of the apocalypse," and the minute people start hearing about more natural disasters, the failing economy, and paris hilton, the more they start talking about another sign the world is ending?

or the sign of buried treasure? who hasn't heard "X marks the spot?"

you read traffic signs to let you know how close you are to your destination, and where you have to go.

well, i just received another very clear sign that i'm headed in the right direction, and that i'm living my life according to solid principles of a high enough caliber that i'm beginning to seriously become distinctive and separate of the unwashed masses:

fucktards hate me.

did you know that donald trump is hated just as much as he is loved and respected? and yes, i'm comparing myself to The Donald, but only in the sense that the people who love and respect me understand me, while the enmity and badmouthing i receive comes from the fucktards who only reveal the true depth of their own vapid, uneducated, cowardly, weak, and small selves the more they focus all that negative energy on someone clearly more promising than they are.

the enmity of fucktards has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. the more they open their mouths, the clearer the picture they paint revealing how much they suck. they will never understand the good i do, never come close to the challenges i face daily as i hold myself to integrity and honesty.

it's difficult to do. but worth every second. just take a look at my life and what i have to show for it. do i have a failing marriage, or thriving relationships? do i have drama and angst, or clarity and room to grow? do i have stagnation, or am i going forward in my education and career? the people who are close to my daily life...what do they have to say about me? what kinds of people are they? i can guarantee they're professional, educated, strong, and know who they are.

those are the kinds of people i have backing me. fucktards are who i have sending nasty emails. who would you tend to believe? and why?

character and reputation are valuable, no doubt. but quality of that reputation and the people voicing such opinions, are just as weighty. i'd rather have one solid reference than a thousand weak ones. not all opinions are created equal.

i only hope that i can be a solid example that it can be done. yes, it's difficult, and scary, and can leave you crying alone in your bed at night sometimes. that's just the process of separating the wheat from the chaff. and believe me, there's lots of chaff out there. but i'm slowly beginning to learn that just because i could do it doesn't mean everyone can, like i used to believe.

but i still invite everyone who wants to come with me...to come with me. i can help. i can teach. i can laugh and cry and hug and support and encourage. i can brainstorm challenges. i can hold up a mirror, and while i might show you things you didn't want to see about yourself, i promise i'm even better at showing you inner wonderfulness you never knew you had.

i'm not trying to say i'm a guru, or set myself up as a leader. i'm simply holding out my hand as i walk down a fantastic and promising, magical and rewarding path and inviting people to walk it beside me. we can teach each other. we can grow. we can Become in ways we couldn't even dream of before now.

i'm holding out my hand. who wants to walk with me?

magically Funkalicious

2009-01-30T19:21:00.000-08:00

recently i've received a few emails that i just have to share because of how... oh, what are the words to describe them? they're just powerful, i guess. i'm always up here striving to express the Funk, singing praises of the Bombastic Jive and exploring new territory in pronoiaFunk and radical intimacy.

i have to share how bootylicious the people in my life are, too.

i got this in my inbox a few days ago from my pussygata:
yay! so go spend the next couple decades...having fun. your cake is baked and it smells delish! so now...it's all about the frosting pookie! yep, 30 is a gateway of sorts.

what she said reminded me of my conversation with a disillusioned heart:

me: *laughs* 'cept that now i can take that goo, like cake batter, and bake it slowly in the warmth of peace, forgiveness, and self-respect. spread the Funk on you like cream cheese frosting. when it's done, you'll be whole again. good as new, but stronger. denser. moist and sweet and delicious. maybe you, my oft-broken heart, had to be completely destroyed --frappéed, as you put it-- to put you into the perfect consistency for resurrection. wouldn't that be exactly what our goddesses do? compassionate destruction to utter completion? resurrection to a stronger, purer Self?

my Disillusioned Heart: shut up.

me: perhaps you had to utterly die, my heart, in order to truly live again.

my Disillusioned Heart: *quiet a moment* ...you sound like you actually believe this bunk.

me: i do.

i see in you, she went on to say, someone who began the race a mile behind everyone else who entered but...you ran hard and smart and TRUST ME...cuz im old...you are sooooooooooooooo way ahead of the pack...wise, calm and centered, introspective, so many other fabu qualities...those are things you only get from battling and kicking the ass of adversity. people with easy lives never ever ever have the opportunity to gain those qualities and i think thats what we've always seen in each other... like the only 2 english speakers in (ohhhhh say...)China. Like..SWEET I found someone I dont have to expain everything to, she just gets it, I fuckin love the poo outta you!

i love her way with words. not to mention reading her emails always has me grinning so hard my face hurts after a while. i just love her to pieces!

"someone who began the race a mile behind everyone else," she said. it's true, i did. i kept trying to find a way to express that, and she always finds a way to put it perfectly. and now i'm way ahead of the pack. i look up to her so much, and she's one of my role models. and then she goes and gives me that phenominal compliment...and that i know it's true only makes the compliment that much more powerful.

and then i wrote an email to my parents thanking them for all their parental support, since without them i wouldn't have come half as far as i have. and they both said it was all me, that i always had it in me, just needed a gentle nudge here and there. mom said it's all about believing in myself, which is totally true. and how proud they were of me...i loved hearing it.

just praise, no sarcasm, and real belief in me. talking with bug today about support networks, they're there for you when you really need it, through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. and it's not even about believing in you no matter what; it's about believing in what they know they see in you even when you don't see it yourself. sometimes faith is simply called for, and that's your chance to prove you have faith in their greater wisdom and love for you...or when you show just what you really think of their faith in you. actions speak all, and letting go and trusting, loving, even as your world comes crashing down around you and heaven burns to the ground...you know what will stand in its place will be grand and beautiful and infinitely better.

cowardice vs courage, faith vs fear.

they're right, my role-models and teachers and parents. they're right about me, about my effort and abilities and how much i rock. and i might've had the potential and ability, but it never would have come about if they hadn't laid the foundation for me to stand upon.

and for that, i thank them, and love them, and sing their praises.

the delena FAQ

2009-01-28T23:28:00.001-08:00

this excerpt comes from an interview with Delena of the Funky Wild, by world renowned bohippian Funkmaster Boho Mom:

1. For what reasons did you decide to start a blog? Has it evolved into anything particularly different for you than you imagined?

wow. well, as my long-time readers know (all 1 of them, ha ha), i had actually begun blogging as a sort of message in a bottle. this heralds back to the days, nine-plus years ago, when i had a website up and was sort of chronicling thoughts and observations about my explorative, spiritual journey away from roman catholicism and into pagan spirituality and witchcraft. i was coding all my own html back then, and finally decided that making an account for a blog would just be easier.

i was really depressed, really confused, and lonely. but i knew there was something better out there. and like pink from the wall, i was calling, "is there anybody...out there?" it was my first verbal cries for help, for sympathy, for human connection.

over the last nine years, three blog relocations, and many self-revolutions, my verbal-slash-emotional blogspatter's become what you see before you: iGoddess, a r[E]volution of spirit, freedom, and love. a place to explore the place within me --and within you-- where the Divine Wow connects with your own Inner Funk.

we come a long way, baby.

2. Why did you choose the name "igoddess"? Is this significant to your lifestyle, your beliefs?

i chose iGoddess because that's exactly what i am. i'm a goddess, a divalicious and funktastic goddess who found herself mainly through the incarnations of her blogging. i'd tried all my life to keep diaries, journals, and private writings of every caliber. but nothing survived until i came online and began to write privately for public viewing. i know, that makes no sense. but i took the saying, "the best place to hide is right out in the open," and made it true. and i found relief and peace by letting the public read my innermost thoughts, my darkest darkness.

the internet made this possible. i was really just searching for human connection, to know i wasn't alone. so i'm an internet goddess, an iGoddess.

it's definitely significant to my beliefs. every day i wake up and know i'm a goddess in my own right, living her life among other gods and goddesses. every member of this iVillage is a goddess and god!

3. You are an incredibly talented writer.

aww, thank you! =)

Have you taken courses, or do the words come naturally to you?

both, though the words came naturally first. when i was barely three, i sat down with books and taught myself how to read. letters just made sense, and after a year fiddling around with my colorful alphabet magnets on the fridge that i received on my 2nd birthday, the letters literally just fell into place and made sense. i was writing in perfect cursive by age four, without any instruction. if i may be granted a moment of utter pride, words were always my genius.

in school, i was pretty much always in the honors and advanced placement english classes, and i took creative writing courses in college. one of my professors even recommended me as a paid tutor at the campus writing lab. i turned it down, and college, in favor of running away from the House of Repression to get married and have babies. heh, oops.

4. You've overcome many obstacles in your life to get where you are today?

yes, i have.

What's the most difficult hurdle you've had to jump over?

me. it sounds strange, but i was my most difficult hurdle. just before richard and i had our falling out, he told me that i could never be honest with anyone until i got honest with myself. however, i was so unaware of what my problem was that it actually caused a mental breakdown as i tried to figure out what i was lying about. because at the time, i was utterly convinced i wasn't lying about anything.

as i like to say, "he who is unaware is unaware he is unaware." well, i was very, very unaware.

i was too close to the problem. that was the night i fell apart in hysterical tears in my parents' living room, the night they first came through for me as loving parents. that was my turning point, my transformation. i walked away from the mystery of what i was hiding from, and was able to get better. only with a bit of distance was i then able to see what i'd been hiding from myself, what i'd been unaware of all that time.

you really can be too close to a problem to see it. and i'll always be my biggest hurdle. that's just how it's supposed to be: we're always most resistant to change, especially when it's change within ourselves. (and i'm talking "real" change here, the kind that leaves you crying in the night; not pansy-ass, tepid gestures that cowardly fucktards make)

5. What are your plans for 2009?

to get down with my Funky self!

Any changes you want to make? Any resolutions? Anything in particular you are dedicated to this year?

this year is my Year of the Funky Wow. all year long i will walk through each day asking myself, "how can i live in the spirit of the Jiggy Funk?" i'll take the signs as they come. if i need to practice more compassion, i know the Universe in all its rocktastic wisdom will send me more opportunities to practice compassion. and when it's time for more pruning, the Vulture Goddess will once more burn my heaven to the ground. and...everything in between.

my only resolution is to be open to what the Funky Wow has to teach me, to be open to the opportunities and lessons 2009 will bring my way, and live as if i know greatness is my inevitable manifestation. building on the integrity and confidence i learned in the Year of the Delena, i'm now building a close relationship with the Divine Woot!.

i've gone back to school, am searching for a better job that's a good deal out of my comfort zone, and got down and dirty serious about crochet. i've joined the league of "Chicks with Sticks," oh yeah. plus, i'm still writing. i fell in love, and for the first time ever in my life know what it is to trust, to truly love, and to have an open dialogue with my intuition. growing upward and outward now, i'm more in touch with my creativity and female powers more than ever.

omg, 30's shaping up to be an awesome year. and i finally think the real world is ready for all of the real me. those who can't handle it, who don't get it, can quite frankly eat @#*! and kiss their mama with that mouth. with me, either hit the ground running or be taken for a drag.

i only run with rockalicious Funkmasters.

-=[@]=-

thank you so much, boho mom! this was so much fun! *blows kisses*

now to the darling fans of iGoddess: it's your turn!

your mission, should you choose to accept it:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me".

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

delena: college student extraordinaire

2009-01-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

i just got back from a meeting with my academic advisor. it was so exciting! in my placement testing, i had perfect scores in the Reading and Writing portions. what i learned is that i could actually test out of the writing prerequisites for my major.

killer! i was quite proud of myself, to be honest. but to be entirely truthful, the test was so out-of-mind easy...

but what an eye-opener! faires and vendors in the College Center building, flyers everywhere offering everything imaginable: trips, tutoring, jobs, workshops, performances, The Vagina Monologues... i don't remember my last sojourn into college being so excitingly bombastic, but i'm sure it had to be.

i sent *t* a text while there:
me: omfg, school is so much fun! :)
*t*: i thought u didn't start yet
me: i didn't. i just had my academic advisory mtg. but omg! and flyers everywhere, programs, workstudy... So much awesomeness!
*t*: i didnt realize how xciting that could b
me: it is! so many groups and programs offering help, and jobs, and getting to know ppl, and just a whole new adventure! it's hella thrilling. :)

maybe it's just me. there are so many more opportunities i see here now, and it's all being offered to me! just like that! i can't wait to finally jump in feet first as a student, to really immerse myself into all this wonderful collegiate atmosphere, and to really challenge myself and see what i'm capable of.

my first goal is an A average. that'll be easy to begin and maintain, especially in the beginning. since i'm paying for my own tuition, i don't think i'll be able to take more than two classes this semester, maximum. considering it's 70$ per unit, prolly more like just one class...

*disappointed sigh* but on the bright side, i'm a college student again!

...yeah, this is definitely part of my Funk.

the finer points of a good edumacation

2009-01-26T00:35:00.000-08:00

so exactly one week ago, i took the plunge and applied for enrollment at Portland Community College, then sweated for two days while i wondered if i had done so early enough to qualify for Spring semester. turns out i had...plenty of time.

so now, in a few hours, i'll head to the nearest campus (there are three) to take my entrance exams. i'm quite excited, actually. i changed my major from English Literature and Shakespeare to...Archetypal Psychology.

quite a bit of a turn, eh?

and, funny enough, my other two bio-sisters are both psych majors. funny, isn't it? although i wonder, given our shared upbringing, just how funny-peculiar or funny-ha-ha it is. *k* wanted to be a social worker, last i heard. and *t* wants to go into sex therapy. both very active in the helping of people overcome adversity. me, i want to study mythology and archetypes, and see how they work with our modern difficulties.

more or less what i sometimes do here at iGoddess...only i'll have a Ph.D. after my name. which means really smart people who really only matter to other smart, silly, stuffy people will acknowledge what i've done for years is "real" and "certified."

kind of silly, i know. on the other hand, it's damned interesting and i know i'll be able to help a lot of people who will be ready for what i have to bring to them. it's already become obvious that i'll only put my gifts and education to use for people of a certain caliber who are ready for it.

but first...entrance exams. tomorrow, the world!

wacky wordle whismy of wowable works

2009-01-22T23:10:00.000-08:00

i made this over at wordle, a place where you cut-and-paste your text, or enter a URL to a site, and it will create a word cloud of the most oft-used words in the piece. the larger the word in the collage, the more it's used.

of course, i immediately thought of iGoddess. i thought for sure the largest word would be "funk" or "funky," followed closely by "iGoddess."

it was fun, though. the words jumped out at me, individual in the word cloud, but something began to happen the moment my eyes saw this funkalicious word of art. (and no, that wasn't a typo.) i began to see phrases.

phrases like, "make love," and "get funky!" and "everyone is family around you." it was incredible. then more phrases jumped out at me. "sometimes emotional" and "free opinion!" and "just one love." i especially loved "power friends" and "new living."

hell, fear, struggle, and stupid were all clustered together. then again, so were caliber, integrity, friend, strength, thankful, faith, talk, hold, and might. all together, just hangin' out like they belonged together.

"little people always want everything," jumped out at me, too. and it's totally true.

i just may have to wordle iGoddess every so often, kind of like making a bouquet of my thoughts. i do enough pruning in my life, why not make a few bouquets as well?

(PS. i just saw another one: just let love make things funky. hells yeah!)

one hand giveth, and one hand...

2009-01-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

oh, my Funkmobile,
lovely, perky Funkmobile,
i will miss you so.

so yesterday while i was out running errands with *cc*, the Funkmobile started acting funny. she'd been acting funny for a few months, and i knew it was approaching time to take her for yet another check-up. 1st gear was skipping on takeoff, and in the last week she stalled on me twice.

the first time it happened, i attributed it to the cold, frosty morning and the simple fact she hadn't been driven in a week since i was in florida. she was tired, cold, and cranky. i'd give out in a pout if i felt that way, too. so i let her rest, then started her up again (after a few tries). however, i'd done quite a bit of driving with *cc* and the Funkmobile was warm yesterday...yet she still gave out.

so i called the dealership while she and i waited in the parking lot to pick up *mj* after work. we dropped off the Funkmobile after dinner, and i waited all day today to find out what the damage was. i finally got a call around 16:30 from my friend at the service center.

$1500 and an aneurism later, *cc* and i drove to the dealership to look at just buying a new car.

oh, my poor Funkmobile.

oh, my poor nerves. i felt like throwing up all evening. this was not the way i'd wanted to finally upgrade my Funk Force Fleet, y'know?

ironically enough, as Asphalta, Goddess of Roads, Parking Lots, and Commuters would have it, as She was taking away my Funkmobile with one hand, she was benevolently heaping upon me opportunities with her other hand. *cc* put it beautifully:

"on the other hand, dear," she said to me, chilled hands wrapped around a steaming paper cup filled with creamy hot chocolate, "it's a whole new year, a whole new you, and a whole new car that will be much more reliable, for which i know i'll be much more comfortable with."

she has a point. it's part of why i love her so much: it's like being able to talk to a wiser version of myself with a much cooler head. and she has tons of insights i might never have, and a lovely point of view that's refreshingly different, but we're still on the same wavelength. sometimes we yell at each other to get out of each other's heads, we think so much alike sometimes.

have i not said that my 30th birthday was my turning point? a renewal of dee, a rebirth into wetter and wilder and far more interesting truths and dilemmas to challenge me. why not have a new car and put pedal to the metal headlong into my very own renaissance?

on top of that, with even more irony (i think the divine Asphalta is a bit of a trickster at heart) the guy who sold me the Funkmobile sent me a text message hours later asking me how the Funkmobile was. so i told him. he wants to buy it back from me and make the repairs himself. so the car that would have cost me $1500 is going to make me money instead.

my life. just. can't. suck.

to top it all off, i got a real navy peacoat today!!! i've been in breathless love with peacoats for years and years, and i finally bought one! oh my goddess, talk about totally effing WARM!! not to mention sharp, and beautiful, and just a feast for the eyes. oh my gods, i'm in love with my new peacoat! i think i'm gonna sleep with it. maybe i'll even marry it.

(ima love it, and hug it, and squeeze it, and name it "george.")

and that's all ima say about that

2009-01-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

"doing the right thing is only difficult when surrounded by fucktards."
--me

my last post received a lot of positive feedback, to be honest. it makes me feel good to know my sight was true, and that as i become more honest with myself and more in alignment with Delena of the Funky Wild, my intuition is coming through loud and clear...and accurate. though i really hated being right in this instance, i know it was the right thing to do. the only person who gave me grief about doing the right thing was, naturally, a fucktard.

and no, he's not a fucktard because he doesn't agree with me. lots of people in my life completely disagree with me about 99.9% of life in general. but i get along with them because they have integrity. they're honest with themselves. they're true to themselves. they have the same intolerance for dysfunction i do, and the same grasp on the topics of character, emotional maturity, and the simple fact not all opinions are created equal.

and no, that's not a PC statement. the opinion that skin color and gender matters and civil rights should be outlawed does not have the same weight or value as the opinion a person should be judged on their merits, accomplishments, and character. i'm sorry, but it just doesn't. same goes for when fucktards open their mouths.

emotional dysfunction, juvenile self-righteousness, and unenlightened opinions denote a certain lack of growth that grown-ups have. in business and finance, it's the people with the best financial statements who carry weight. my opinion would be worth crap in that world, and i know it. my opinion is not created equal. in the personal growth arena where it means something to live a healthy, functional life in integrity, fucktards are stupid children who need to keep their mouths shut about things they know nothing about. and they definitely should have neither right nor room to be telling me how to live my life or giving me advice. children do not make suggestions to grown-ups.

it may sound arrogant, but in this field, ladies and gentlemen, i am a grown-up. i'm no thunder walker yet, but i do know a hell of a lot more than most people. and the more i learn, the more i grow and apply myself, the more i shed hypocrisy and self-delusions and fear, the smaller my crowd becomes.

this is as it should be. this lifestyle is not for cowards, or the tepid half-assed wannabes. this is hardball. less than one percent of high school atheletes ever get to play professional sports. it takes a certain caliber of athelete. the same can be said of living life with a solid character, living with integrity, living with courage and challenging fear, hypocrisy, and limitations.

lower caliber does not a fucktard make. i repeat: being unable to achieve that higher caliber of character does not make you a fucktard.

however, continuing to make stupid choices despite being shown a better, healthier way, or spitting in the face of someone wiser than you, or presuming to give advice to someone who knows how to do things better than you does make you a fucktard and you should sit down before you hurt yourself.

it may sound vicious and completely uncompassionate. it may sound totally discordant with the Funky Jive. it's not. this is the Year of the Funky Wow. love is alive and well in the universe, and life is bursting everywhere.

however...

the ice caps are melting, rainforests are being slash-and-burned into oblivion, and stars are going supernova all the time. Kali the Destroyer and Lilith the Night Mother are also alive and well and compassionately wiping out that which has lived out its usefulness. evolution continues. survival of the fittest will make sure that which refuses to grow to its fullest promise will be killed and eaten, its energy given to those who would use it.

and i will continue to grow. one day i will achieve the dalai lama's caliber, and i will shake my head at myself today as i remember how frustrated i was. after all, right here right now, the dalai lama's not in my face trying to get me to understand the world as he understands it. he doesn't care that i'm not there yet. and if i never get there in this lifetime, that's okay, too.

one day i'll stop caring that everyone i love can't reach this caliber. i see where i'm going, and i can see how fantabulous it is, and i want everyone to go with me. it's their stubborn insistence to holding onto their dysfunctional, fucktard ways that make me scream with frustration. there's no reason for them to drown in their own stupidity, but they continue to choose to do it for whatever reason. i can't understand it. it's such a diseased way of thinking that i actually get physically nauseated trying to wrap my brain around their fucktard motives.

i just can't do it. but i want so badly to help them wake the fuck up, and i try so hard. i try for years. i don't know why i insist on trying, on drowning on my own brand of fucktardness.

so i stopped. it was making me miserable, i saw i could live another way, and i took the better path. it means turning my back on a lot of people. that's okay. i have to sacrifice a little of my naivete, but that's okay. wisdom is the power of discernment, and the ability to make the best use of knowledge and discretion. it's collective knowledge and the ability to utilize it to best possible effect. naivete is the opposite, lacking knowledge and experience, and displaying a lack of judgement.

even mother theresa didn't live with the afflicted, the downtrodden, and the victims. she ministered to them, yes, lived among them and gave them succor. but she didn't live with them and let them weigh her down with their hopeless victim mentalities. there's a difference.

and that's all ima say about that.

it hurts to be stupid

2009-01-17T11:20:00.001-08:00

stupidity causes pain, not only to yourself, but to those around you. whether they love you or not, stupidity certainly has an area affect and, sooner or later, you'll be affected by the insidious brain pain caused by someone else's stupidity.

it's taken me a long time, and a lot of work, to get to the point where i can let go and just say, "fuck it." it's not so much that i don't care, because i do, so much as it's the simple fact you can lead a fucktard to water, but you can't make them drink.

even if you siphon out the other end.

that's what led me to just up and get the hell out of living with *ds* and *ks*. my family'd been telling me for years they were hopeless fucktards, but i kept investing in them because nobody else believed in them. i couldn't just abandon them. well, now i see that there's a reason no one gives a crap about them. why waste time on fucktards?

and right now, i'm struggling with caring about how stupid my greggo's being about a woman who's not his wife. now, i've been saying for years that he should just leave her. but he won't. yet he continues to have emotional affairs with other women, and sometimes crosses the line into flirting with the physical limits of his vow of fidelity. "heavy petting" is still fooling around, in my opinion.

so my best friend is a cheater, which in my book is synonymous with "lying scumbag." and yet he continues to tell me i'm wrong when i express my disgust and anger that he could be so slimy. this "other woman" has issues, and the fact that she's even fooling around with a married man should say a lot about her lack of character. the very idea of her disgusts me. the very idea of the crap greggo's pulling disgusts me.

whether he divorces his wife and locks himself in a hotel room with this other woman, or whether he stays with his wife and dies of sexual frustration...neither really matters. but that he flouts his lack of integrity as a man, and writes about her on his blog like it's some gossip column and revels in the high school drama of the situation is absolutely nauseating.

making a mistake is one thing. he's not making a mistake. he's choosing to be scum. my respect and love for him as a friend of going on ten years...it's whittling away daily. he's been an emotional drain on me before, and made utterly unreasonable demands of me in the past, and there were a couple times we've dropped each other as friends. but we always meet somewhere in the middle and make amends.

making amends as friends is a good thing. if there were any romance between us, i'd say it was a recipe for a dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship. maybe i should take that, and his persistence in his scumbag behavior, as a sign.

leaving *ds* and *ks* to their own fucktard devices was a decision made in integrity. i simply could not and would not share a roof with them, when they were so utterly insistent upon spitting in the face of everyone who tried to help them.

and greggo? jeezus, i love him. he's been a part of my life for almost ten years. he understands things about me few people ever did, and as a man he had a totally different perspective on things that helped me quite often as i struggled through my soul work. but can i honestly remain friends with a man who disrespects his wife, his marriage, his integrity, and most of all himself? can i call a lying scumbag my best friend any longer? he won't listen to reason, he won't listen to anything. he just continues to edge his toes a little more over the line each time, and actually has the audacity to write about what a struggle it is?

what struggle is there? you're fucking cheating on your wife, greg. the only struggle is the fact that your other woman will let you do everything except put her ankles in the air. the only struggle is the fact you refuse to accept any consequences, and thus avoid making any decisions. you can't have both.

last year was the Year of the Delena. last year was about defining who Delena of the Funky Wild truly is, and coming into complete alignment with my truths. "living with integrity" isn't just about being honest. to have integrity means to be fully aligned with everything about yourself. the talk about the integrity of a building, and refer to its strength and ability to stand through any weather. integrity is about having a sound moral character, and to be "sound" is to be strong and free from defect.

to live in integrity, then, is to take all those things and have them all pointing in the right direction. streamlined. focused. aligned. having a friend who's cheating on his wife and insists on continuing to do so, then, would be having an aspect of my life that's out of alignment.

it's a difficult thing to have to admit, especially since he's such a longstanding friend. i love him dearly, i just hate his dishonesty, his cheating, and his cowardly avoidance of consequences by refusing to make a choice to a course of action.

but i can't make him do anything.

which leads to this year, which is the Year of the Funky Wow. how would the universe see this? on one hand, we are all the Universe, and the Universe is Love. Love holds hands with Compassion, and Compassion never judges. however, that's not to say it condones everything, either. on the other hand, the Universe also says that life is fleeting, and nothing stays the same. i've known for a long time i was holding myself back a little by continuing to be his friend. more and more, i see that he just won't ever grow even a little bit to make my maintainance of our friendship worthwhile. i'd depended on our love for each other and our friendship to make up the difference. and up until now, it has.

until he became a cheating bastard. of course, his marriage isn't my marriage. hell, his marriage sucks ass, and has for years. but that's not my problem. i can only have an opinion, and if ten years of friendship isn't enough to give any weight to what i see his marriage doing to him, then maybe he doesn't respect me nearly as much as i thought, either.

throughout my bad relationships, i've always ended up seeing my man through greg's eyes. he's always privately been one of the few men i compared my relationships to. they never measured up. and i've always come around to say, "yeah, greggo, you were right." though i might use different words. but because i respected our friendship, i gave him his tenure. he rarely gives me mine, and only after things utterly blow up in his face has he come back and said, "y'know, dee, you might have been right about something." i can't tell him what to do, but i also can't be his friend anymore if he insists on being a cheating scumbag. if his wife were one of my girlfriends, i'd be howling loud enough to peel paint off the walls about what slime he's been.

what can i do, if he insists on being a fucktard? my life is fucktard-free now.

...or is it?

given this situation with a friend i love dearly, which course of action is the correct one to live in accordance with the Year of the Funky Wow, and maintain the integrity i learned in the Year of the Delena? i'm afraid i already know the answer, and i'm kinda hoping i'm wrong.

daily deelite

2009-01-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

daily deelite is back!! after a few emails with the lovelylicious and fabulously gorgeous jane at the painted house, i've come to realize that somewhere between then and now...i've undergone a transformation. like i told her, something's happened and i am changed down to my DNA. deeper. bigger.

not only are some things so clear to me now, so obvious, but i have to just smack myself upside the head and laugh. i never should have stopped my daily deelite.

1. always and ever, i'm thankful for my family. *cc*, *mj*, and i went out to my favorite place for dinner --mongolian gril, yay!-- and *cc* gave a toast. "here's to a new year, to being back with family where you belong, and fuck everybody else." she has such a way with words, it brings a tear to my eye. i love those words "with family," and "where you belong." which leads into my second deelite...

2. like the end of the Ugly Duckling story, i'm eternally happy and grateful to the universe for helping me find my swan family; people who recognize the kind of person i am, celebrate my unique Funkalicious streak, and encourage me to be even more dynamic, bombastic, and rockin' awesome.

3. i'm grateful for my kitty, the adorable and oh so cuddly rumbles. he's got so many nicknames here now, since he's so much bigger than any of the other kitties here. and we're not talking just a little bigger. no, he's got at least 3 pounds and is half again as wide as mookie, the formerly largest cat. he's so thick and burly, just a bruiser. but he's so gentle and is made up of nothing but soft fur and love. we call him Super Chunk, Schmoo, Schlubb, Tank, Thunk, and Little Pyro (he loveslovesloves candles, and the fireplace, lol). i love my kitty...

4. i'm thankful for getting as many chances as a woman needs to get it right. we're free to do it the way we want, and if things don't turn out exactly as we planned, we always have the greatest power available to us: the power to change our minds. we can turn around and retrace our steps back to the last time things made sense, or be free to choose an entirely new direction and blaze a new trail in total allegiance to our own truths. there are no rules to this, and every single tomorrow is what we believe and do today. we are amazing goddesses, and we are like aladdin with the magic lamp. in the original story, he was given as many wishes as he wanted...and so are we.

5. i'm thankful for Love. *sigh* i've been transformed. i remember Sonnet 148, my favorite of all time: "the sun itself sees not till heaven clears." heaven is clear, and the sun is shining! all this time loving and trusting my family has given me a strength i'd never have had if i only had myself to depend on as my bedrock. they are the cornerstone of my strength and my life. i would have stood on my own two feet and been just fine, with my family the strong foundation beneath my feet.

all this time, i thought it would weaken me to let someone else inside the walls of my secret garden. there are gentlemen out there, or men who fancy themselves as such. but they grew upset with me when they couldn't make me accept their help. but that vulnerability, that need for help sometimes, had to be freely given away. no one could take it. recently, i learned there is power in this, strong and magical and probably amongst the most ancient of magics: love, and trust, given freely. reaching out and taking someone by the hand, by my own choice, doesn't weaken me. it makes me stronger. it makes us stronger. and the trust that i will not fail this person, or that they will not fail me, is another form of faith. there's a saying that faith unlocks the door to heaven.

i remember this one time riding the Boomerang at Knott's Berry Farm. it's one of my favorite roller coasters of all time: in less than a minute, you hurl through six full revolutions, and then you do it backwards. there's one loop that's a double, and there's no acceleration through the second loop. you're going so slowly, it's pretty terrifying because it feels like the whole coaster's going to hit the apex and just drop. i used to hold onto the U-bar for dear life, trying to shove myself back in my seat. the U-bar rattled and shifted perilously, further feeding my fear. and then one day...i dunno. i was feeling wild and free. i was at the park with my friends, not my bio-parents, so something in me wasn't so rigidly locked down, and i just let go. i threw my arms into the air and howled on the ride, put all my weight against the U-bar and just trusted it would hold me.

...and it didn't rattle, or sway, or shift. with my full weight against it, with me trusting it to hold, it did. solidly. and the ride was no longer the terror-thrill it had always been. it was just...thrilling. i threw myself into it, full of faith unrestrained. nothing half-assed. and the fear just vanished. i realized that day that if you hold back and do things half-assed, just put your toe in and try things tepidly without really trying them, you'll never get anything out of life but shaky instability. and you'll always wonder why things keep giving out beneath you. only by going out full bore do you finally give the Universe the room it needs to shower you with all the blessings it truly wants to.

and this power...oh my Funky Wow. it's not just a feeling i have, but a damn certainty that i will receive everything i want and everything will happen exactly the way they need to, to give me the best possible happy beginning, middle, and end. it's hope, but unlike any hope i've ever felt before. i know that everything i could ever want is already mine, and it's as simple as that. i know it.

Faith, Hope, and Love. i finally get it. i've never been so strong, or so powerful, or so dang blessed! i'm in love. i'm living In Love.

May the Funk be with you.

thirty, flirty, and fabulous

2009-01-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

there came a day thirty years ago, a beautiful and sunny Sunday when a fantasmic, divalicious soul opened her eyes and said, "today's the day."

she knocked on the door of her new mother's womb. or, more accurately, she threw open the doors with a whoop like a thousand cowgirls riding wild buffalo barebacked and bareskinned across the western plains, feathers and beads streaming in their unbound hair as ululating cries tear from their throats to the skies.

and all around the universe, beings and spirits and goddesses and immortals behind the visible Veil all gasped, turned toward one another, tugged on sleeves, and collectively began to murmur and titter and stir and talk excitedly amongst themselves.

"oh my GODDESS!"

"well, by the Jiggalicious Divine!"

"well Funk me running! by the Jiggy Snake, is that...Delena of the Funky Wild?"

*squeal!* "it is! it IS her!"

"...oh my Jiggy Snake! are the rumors true? is her soul really that bright?"

"you have no idea. her Funk is so bright, your soul could get a tan just by being in the same room with her!"

"that's so Funkaliciously awesome!"

and, as david copperfield says, i was born.

again.

more than ever, i feel like a completely new person: all the usual metaphors apply. the butterfly newly emerged from her cocoon, Year 1 of a New Era, the turn of the millennium, the sound of free-flowing water after the ice breaks of spring, the first rays of warm sun after a storm, a litter of wolf puppies playing on their first day leaving the den, the honking of a dragon hatchling with bits of egg shell still clinging to its nose and wings.

i can feel the strength and accomplishment of all the work and growing and tension of my twenties, all the suffering and depression and blood and darkness of my teenage years serving as fertilizer, and the twisted abuse and suffering of my childhood waiting patiently for me to turn around and study it with the clarity of hindsight...and begin to learn.

honestly, i don't know if i can truly convey the sense of accomplishment and newness i feel. that part of me --the dark, confused Me-- is truly laid to rest. that era is finished, and i learned everything i possibly could, grew as much as was divaliciously possible. i have everything i need for the next strong steps i take into the world, the universe, and from myself.

my inner work isn't finished, not by a long shot. but the time of going inward, of "living in" is finished. the catharsis is only catharsis if there is an end to it and a bringing outward of everything learned while down in the darkness. it's time for me to take my gifts, my wisdom, and my beauty, and manifest it out in the world, to serve my community, to make a truly unique contribution to my culture.

it's time to join the world of adults and accomplishment, creativity and manifestation.

a person in their twenties can still be a kid, kinda. the world is still new and fun, you're still learning the ropes, you still have a tacit license to do "stupid shit" and "get it out of your system." something changes. as shakespear says, "a man loves the meat of his youth he cannot endure in his age." sometimes you just look stupid doing something in your thirties that would be hilarious and forgiveable in your twenties. dunno why, but it's just how life works.

for christmas, i sent my bio-dad a copy of Woman Who Run With the Wolves, with a bookmark in chapter 6: Finding One's Pack, the theme of which was the study of the story of The Ugly Duckling. i meant it as joyful news, as a way to tell him that yes, i didn't belong in our family and i suffered greatly for it. but i've found my own kind, my own pack, and i'm thriving fantastically. not only that, but i had come to understand him a while ago and have moved so far beyond forgiveness --through our growing friendship-- that there's no longer any need for forgiveness.

we talked for about a half hour and...after so, so long...my bio-dad and i have walked through the place of truce, and finally come to a place of peace and mutual understanding. tonight, i finally tasted one of the sweet fruit borne of my years of labor.

i've also decided to go back to school. i'm starting completely over, dropping my previous English/Creative Writing major and going for my Doctorate of Archetypal Psychology. i want to follow in the footsteps of joseph campbell, robert bly, maureen murdock and clarissa pinkola estes. for so long believing i wasn't anything, i actually subconsciously ran away from the prospect of trying to amount to anything. never try, never fail, right?

well, that belief is so far behind me, so alien to Delena of the Funky Wow, that i just can't put up with it. i want to go Out There and achieve, to dedicate myself to something that will help and heal people and give me opportunities to contribute to a community that speaks to a deep part of me. i've been studying this type of thing for half my life. i want to commit my life to it.

...i've faced and begun to overcome my deep-seated fear of commitment. i want to live for something. i want to stand for something. Family will always be my pinnacle priority. Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love will always be my wards as a revolutionary freedom fighter. "may the Funk be with you" will always be my motto. but it's time for me to be just a little bit serious and accomplish work in the world. and i want to breathe new life into the archetypes of our collective mythology, to bring new life and meaning to my trickster "the archetypes are mutating!"

it's time to come up from beneath the ground where i've been doing my soul's work, burying myself up to the elbows in mater terra, Mother Earth, and to grow in Her garden and reach for the light. i'll flower in Funkybeautiful, dazzling colors. just watch me.

reach for the light. may the Funk be with you.
and Happy Birthday, me!

brezsny-on-the-blog

2009-01-06T23:48:00.000-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Please don't wear a t-shirt that says what I saw on the canary yellow t-shirt of the Japanese tourist at JFK airport: "Sorry, I'm a loser." I also beg you not to read Ethan Trex's book *How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself.* It's very important, in my astrological opinion, that you not demean or underestimate yourself in the coming days. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that you have a sacred duty to exalt your beauty and exult in your talents. Now go read Walt Whitman's Song of Myself, and periodically murmur the first line all week long: "I celebrate myself, and sing myself."

...this came none too soon.

the Year of the Delena

2008-12-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

I declare 2009 The Year of the Funktastic Wow. two-zero-zero-eight, the Year of the Delena, draws to a close and, as i sit here well on the road to drunk, i find i'm in the perfect state of brutal honesty to go into this year in review:

we had the pleasure and singular privelege of witnessing the Great Confrontation and Bake Sale, the Night of the Great Kabloosh, and the Saddest Support Call Ever.

we also watched When Weird Giant Killer-Squids from Outer Space Attack! (which was a really freakin' weird episode...), Notes From My Pussygata, and we heard iGoddess Speak. there was also the debut of iGoddess: the Movie!

oh yeah.

we also saw a few characters leave the show. we said good-bye to *ds* and *ks*, who are making the dysfunctional, unhealthy, unbelievable choices that they --as individuals, adults, and fucktards-- are free to make. *sy* came and went with all the fanfare of a fart in the wind, and i haven't had a real relationship since.

i'm in love. damn me for it. but there it is.

so here are the 10 Things I Will Happily NEVER DO in 2009: The Year of the Funktastic Wow...

1.) Accept the things I am told I cannot change.

Your thoughts become things. Don't fight it. Don't think there's anything else. Don't entertain the false premises of fate, luck, or a God who judges, withholds, or decides. You decide. You manifest. You rule. This is why you are here. This is what you came to discover. You were born to experience your absolute dominion over every flimsy, malleable illusion of time and space; to have, do, and be anything.

Truthfully, it couldn't be any easier. All you have to do is think of what you want and refuse to deviate from that thought. This will, invariably, set you into motion, stir up the magic, and unleash the full force, power, and majesty of a Universe conspiring on your behalf.

The Universe

see? ha! ...fuckers. i can change the world. don't tell second-generation star stuff come alive what it can and cannot do!

2.) Ever. Stop. Writing.

"You know this is an endurance game. All the old playground rules still apply: you don't get picked for the team, you watch the game and come back the next day. When you're picked, forget mistakes, you've got to be better than everyone else on the field. Bloody noses and skinned knees are not an excuse to quit. And if you have the stubbornness (or stupidity) to stay in the game until the end of the day, you get to come back tomorrow and have the crap kicked out of you all over again. But: everyone else who can't stand on the sidelines, play their hearts out or take a few bruises goes home sniffling about what great players they would have been, if only the game had been fair and the other players nicer." --PBW

3.) Trust my naiveté

i've just had that lesson rubbed into my face, up my nose, in my hair, way too often.

4.) Ever give up on Love

love is the cornerstone of Pronoia, and the star-stuff that Funk is made of, baby. hippies were called love children; the summer of '69 the Summer of Love, and the greatest of These is love, man.

5.) Sacrifice my naivité

i might be stupidly naïve, but i'd rather be disappointed occasionally as i believe in people, then be bitterly cynical and RIGHT all the time...

(dammit, i mean it...no matter how much it feels like a lie...)

6.) Never stop loving everyone in my life.

and this includes people like big *c*, and willow (the first woman i ever Loved), and everyone i've ever said good-bye to. i will always love you, no matter what comes between us. i loved you. i will always love you. that's just how i was built.

7.) Give Up.

'nuff said.

8.) TBA

9.) TBA

10.) TBA

bon anniversarie

2008-12-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

somewhere between the 11th and 17th of this month passed the 1 year mark since the last time i burned, or in any way self-injured.

i totally didn't even notice.

Merry "Just A Normal Day!"

2008-12-30T17:42:00.000-08:00

now that the holidays are over, i can say it.

i can't stand the christmas season. it's not just watching people around me receive the perfect gifts while i make do (hence why i just asked for book store gift cards this year), it's the residual feeling of somehow being not as well-explored. i was talking with somebody about it a while ago, and likened it to sex: no one does it right, so i have to do it myself.

but, while annoying, i can get over. i just go out and buy myself what i really wanted.

but the season's supposed to be about the things that really matter, about those things that we really need, which have no price tag, and feed our souls.

what i really want is my son, and christmas just kind of feels like an empty, cold, annoyingly snow-piled winter inconvenience. i don't put up decorations, i don't mail cards, i make as few phone calls as possible. i tuck my head under and hope it passes quickly. i've seriously considered going to court and relinquishing my parental rights. i'll still be a mother, at least in the loosest interpretation of the word, but i won't feel so marginalized and helpless anymore. i hate christmas.

archetypal philosophies

2008-12-28T00:37:00.000-08:00

whoever thought of the family "tree" was onto something. i prefer to picture a rosebush, however. there are those who are your foundation and prove themselves over time. my bio-dad once said he gives people the Five Year Test. if they fuck up royally in the first five years he knows them, he writes them off.

this is a good test.

those who prove themselves --blood relative or not-- are the bush's roots. and those who prove themselves may be added to the your root structure. after all, roots grow. through any weather, transplanting, or hardship, those roots are strong and anchor your soul. the plant grows, roses bloom and attract butterflies and bees and smiles. people pluck the beautiful blooms to give to their sweethearts, spreading the beauty and symbolic love growing from your family.

some people, however, suck the nutrients from the roots and give nothing back. they're rightfully called "suckers." it takes time to find these, because while they suck your roots dry, the appear as any other branch. only enough time reveals they will grow yet produce no blooms, no beauty, and no love. they are then chopped off at the root with cold necessity, lest they kill the whole plant with their ruthless, selfish, fruitless greed.

family is a choice, a prize rosebush to be cherished and protected and nourished so it can spread beauty and love, fragrance, and be around for generations.

love... love is war, and love is peace. the soul is the battlefield upon which all these powerful human emotions wage their conflict. everything from insecurity and substantiated fear, to hope and faith.

sometimes the long path through that battlefield is overwhelming. the skirmishes can wear a body down. strategy and tactics are a puzzle that exhaust the mind. maintaining battle-readiness is a strain which can fray the strongest soul.

the question, "what if i died tomorrow?" is a good question. it eliminates the obstacles we believe are so necessary, so vitally important. if i died tomorrow, none of those things would matter, and there would be no battle. yet...odds are i will not die tomorrow, and those obstacles and complications are important because there are consequences to all of them, which must be considered. experience teaches us consequences are to be respected. it teaches us temperance.

temperance is a beginning to wisdom.

yet...sometimes after considering all the dangers, the consequences, the tactics and terrain and collateral damage...sometimes the battle must be fought. when the dust settles and the dead are buried, after weapons are cleaned and sheathed once more, life will never be the same.

life is never the same, minute to minute. it's called "living."

but the victory, and the fruits of that victory, far outweigh the pain of battle. far outweigh the heaviness of despair that grips the heart in the thick of battle. far outweigh the helplessness that surrounds the edge of battle.

the heavenly illumination of love shines all the brighter against the memory of despair. the sweet ecstasy of love feels all the sweeter against the pain. the miraculous freedom of love feels all the greater against the helplessness. the battle was necessary, a struggle against those shadows dwelling in your heart which would never allow love to thrive. conquer the battle, conquer the shadows.

find peace. find faith. find hope. but the greatest of these is...

faith flourishes. trust thrives. sweet surrender shines bright. being in love, living in Love, means you have touched the sun and now, no matter how many storms darken your sky, you know it will pass...

...and you keep your face lifted toward the sky, knowing you will feel the sun once more.

delena haiku, and the funkmobile

2008-12-24T14:34:00.000-08:00

oh, my funkmobile...
wherever have you gone now?
i miss you so much.

winterbells

2008-12-21T23:24:00.000-08:00

OMG!

it's freakin' adorable, and just so damned cute!

my score was 69,640 my 2nd run through...my 1st score being 360, until i figured out what was going on. OMG! cuuuuuute!

try it.

her

2008-12-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

...she loved strawberry jam sandwiches, spaghetti, and anise tea.

...she hated playing with dolls, but adored each and every one of her stuffed animals.

...she was so good with animals --even ones that adults considered dangerous-- her father sometimes called her St. Francis.

...she loved Winnie the Pooh, Annie, and Grover on Sesame Street.

...she taught herself to read, and write in cursive.

...she would sing the theme song to My Little Pony when she got scared of the dark.

...she hated when her mom put her in pigtails or dressed her like a girl.

...she talked to God every day, and God talked back (she never told adults this).

...she would climb into people's laps and give them a hug because, somehow, she just knew.

...she told me she needs me again, but maybe i need her.

i yield to greater wisdom

2008-12-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

For those who don't yet understand themselves, Delena, it's impossible that they might understand you.

Impossible.

I understand you,
The Universe

Don't let their choices offend you, their words hurt you, or their actions upset you, Delena. And as you come to understand them, try not to laugh once they get cranked back up.

this was too fitting, and i know exactly whom the universe has in mind. the universe is right. i no longer care, i no longer mind, i no longer am affected. i demanded too much; now i demand nothing at all.

measure this

2008-12-15T17:34:00.001-08:00

(a hundred thousand thank-you's to megg for sharing this. all i keep thinking of is, "who i am, and who i'm trying to become." it's the only valid measurement.)

new project

2008-12-14T04:27:00.000-08:00

dear wyrd, destroyer vulture goddess, who constantly burns heaven to the ground in a viciously benevolent desire to remind us to use our power lest we be devoured for those who would use it;

oh great trickster goddess who's always mutating my archetypes faster than i can keep track of them;

dearly destructive jiggy snake, you pyrokinetic rockstar with the hottest games since the Big Bang bonged;

i pray...

...for forgiveness that i should forget you in my search for the next biggest challenge;

...for pardon after rejecting the idea to welcome wetter, wilder, and more interesting problems to solve;

...for an amused chuckle at my presumptuousness, that a simple serenade would be all that was required to tame my Inner Flaming Narcissist;

...for understanding, because i am exhausted and bereft after my latest sojourn into ba'hara, lilith's third garden; after my dance of the bones on the hook where ereshkigal hangs the corpses; after the morrigan's ravens ravaged my flesh when her berzerker rage was done with me;

...for mercy, as i am confused and heartsick and unsure and afraid;

...for thanksgiving, as i am grateful my wishes for a new pruning were heard and answered by the following business day;

...for celebration, that the old has been shed and will continually be shed in the name of renewal;

...for gratitude, that i was created in your image as a gorgeous genius;

...for laughter, as i gather my freaking genius powers and fearless imagination every day to gaze into the maw of happiness, rather than be like those media-brainwashed automotons who gather their insipid courage to peer into the horrifying abyss;

...for love, because in all its beauty and gruesomeness, all its treasure and trash, the pearl and the puke...this is a perfect moment, and in gratitude and love i thank you for my life during this irreplaceable, priceless moment which has never been seen before and shall never be seen again.
for all these things, i pray. amen. a-woman. ohhhmmmm....and hallelujah.

-=[~]=-

for the next thirty days, i will not be posting here. well, maybe i'll post pictures, and haiku, maybe little one-line quotes i find here and there (i'm a sucker for quotes). but i won't be writing to express my heart and mind. i'm tired of my thoughts being used as weapons against me, so i'm taking a hiatus.

instead, i'll be posting for all of you, out there in my lovely and nurturing iVillage. i'll be posting comments, leaving prayers and poetry, love and light, well wishes and snippets of lyrics. it'll be my own version of what brandi-licious does with her metta meditations.

i'm going to dance more, love and laugh and pray more. i wish i could say ima have sex more, but oh well. can't win 'em all, i suppose. i'm going to validate myself more, and get back into the habit of my daily dee-lite. i've lost two (maybe three) people i loved, and it's thrown me. might take me a while to learn how to be a boomerang.

so today's the 14th. i'll be back on my birthday.

in memoriam

2008-12-14T00:09:00.000-08:00

i wanna be like her.

when i grow up.

chunk of an email

2008-12-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

conversations with a friend of mine have been stirring up the muddy bottom of a clear lake. it's darkened my mood considerably, and for all my personal discipline and pronoia, i'm having a hard time clearing it away.

this one's tenacious; it keeps returning, no matter how many times i step back out of the emotion and clear it away. i'm not consciously focusing on what i don't want, but i must be focused on it because the clouds just keep gathering in my sky. to make matters worse, i think my heart thinks it's falling in love with a younger man, which i promised i'd never do. hell, my dad would never let it happen (he's really picky about age). i'm an obedient and dutiful daughter, so if my dad would say "no," then i say no, too. but my heartstrings keep getting plucked and it's driving me crazy. in fact, it's adding to the previous problem and muddying the waters even more.

it came up in conversation that, my lifestyle being what it is, i really do, can, and have gone weeks with no more physical contact than my bi-weekly hugs from my parents. i've gotten used to that. just like i'm used to my cold bed (figuratively; i'm not talking about my wonderful electric blanket).

not only did i have no problem with it, i embraced it. if i lived the rest of my life alone, at least i'd have my family. i was content. but this friend keeps poking at me daily about it in our hours-long text message conversations. he knows i'm way too dynamic for that, and suddenly i'm not so okay with it. i think what makes me grumpy isn't so much that i feel i'm missing something by being alone, but i'd already settled everything in my soul and learned to love being alone. then here he comes and defiantly, deliberately, stirs up the mud until my clear lake isn't so clear anymore. if that makes any sense. argh.

i wish i could hate men. no, not really. but yeah, i do.

brezsny-on-the-blog

2008-12-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In California's recent election, citizens voted to liberate poultry. Proposition 2 passed, mandating that from now on farmers cannot confine chickens in cages where they're unable to spread their wings. Meanwhile, in the same election, voters decided to make it illegal for gay people to be married, a right that had previously been granted by the California Supreme Court. How odd is it that chickens got a measure of freedom while gays had one of their precious freedoms cut away? I'm warning you to be wary of a metaphorically similar scenario looming in your personal life, Capricorn: in which one liberty is upgraded while another is sacrificed. Fight to make sure there's no net loss.

hmm.

i want this book

2008-12-10T14:48:00.001-08:00

for you, brandi...

2008-12-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

the funkmama of soul, divalicious brandi over at love, the experiment has put together such a lovely post i had to mention it here. but also...she said something that was so beautifully succinct i couldn't let it slip by on just her blog alone.

so i'm spreading it around.

like Funkalicious graffiti to make the Jiggy Snake proud.

she said, "Maybe that's what self love really is...remembering who you really are. And remembering more."

YES!

remembering that we Are the universe. that all the matter in creation started as a bitty speck of matter. we are second-generation star stuff come alive.

so i thought i'd also post another little reminder: The Creation of the Universe According to Delena.

a little something to remember ourselves by.

for you, brandi-girl. you're gorgeous.

checking in

2008-12-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

*cc*'s birthday was saturday, and yesterday we went to the parents' for her birthday dinner. she asked for a german chocolate torte for dessert, so dad went all-out and made dinner german style. it was quite wonderful, as always, and much leftovers were loaded into the car with us. we begged mom not to make us bring the leftover cake, though. *cc* and i were thinking about all those extra hours on the elliptical...

since that night when *ks* was a complete ass, i haven't been back. and i haven't missed it. it continues to amaze me just how much i was willing to compromise myself for them...because i loved them. too bad they'll never wake up enough to realize what they had. ah well.

rumblestrut has settled in immediately into his new home. he absolutely loves it here. he spent three days just exploring everything, but he had such an excited, contented expression that i knew he was much happier here. he's been a curious and confident little fellow, and ten times as affectionate as ever. plus...he loves the staircase. when all the other kitties are little pygmy rhinos stampeding up and down the stairs, rumbles is a good three pounds heavier than the largest of *cc*'s cats and considerably wider. he's the actual rhino making it sound like the ceiling is caving in when he stampedes.

he's completely won over *mj* and *cc* with his adoringness and cute, simple playfulness. he's so uninterested in heirarchy or winning any top runs in the pride. he'd rather just be loved and petted, rank be damned. it's adorable. he hasn't whined at me once since we've been here. and every time he comes up and gives me love, i think he's thanking me. he's just so much happier!

since mom's got us all hooked on watching "house" when we're over, with dad and *cc* in their respective medical or medical-related fields, that show sparks some very interesting conversations. i love what i learn each time. but last night we got to talking about the decisions that need to be made when a family member is incapacitated, and i brought up my desire to give dad and *cc* a Power of Attorney (or whatever is needed in oregon) should anything happen to me. otherwise, all rights and priveleges to decide my fate would actually fall to my bio-parents.

i had made that realization a few weeks ago (watching "house" makes me think of a lot, actually) and it kinda freaked me out.

so after i mentioned that, i brought up what my aunt *d* had told my dad after *rc*'s wedding. she'd called him up a few days later, after both my aunts (dad's sisters) and i had gotten to know each other, and told him that i couldn't be any more his daughter --and any more a chappelle-- if i'd popped out into his waiting arms.

it kinda brought a tear to my eye.

and after he told me that a few months ago, it started me thinking. family is everything to me. *cc* asked me why i didn't change my last name to chappelle a few years ago anyway, and i told her that at that time, i still wasn't sure i was family and didn't want to presume. *ds* and *ks* had extended the invitation. i was without family back then. over time, however, those two have repeatedly shown me they don't know what they're talking about when they talk about family. oh, they talk a mighty good talk, but they don't do a thing to actually live it. all *ks* did was get pissed at me whenever i pointed out he was full of shit. but we had the same last name, we supported each other (most of the time). we were family. i was loyal.

unfortunately, they've shown me time and again they don't want family, they want enablers who'll cater to their fucked-uppedness.

no thank you.

i'd been thinking about it since september, but i came to a decision a few weeks ago. now i'm just coming out with it. the minute the opportunity opens up, i'm going to court and changing my last name to chappelle.

when i mentioned this last night, dad came into the living room and asked if my bio-parents would sign off on a formal adoption.

...i was stunned.

not only because i didn't know it was possible to adopt someone who wasn't a minor (which is kinda cool), but because...well...wouldn't you be stunned if you realized the lengths people would go to when they really wanted and loved you? i mean...the sort of lengths that i've gone to for people (who ultimately never deserved it).

it's a glimpse of the end of my ugly duckling story.

notes from the universe

2008-12-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when you're feeling your lowest, Delena, the real you is summoned.

And you understand, maybe for the first time ever, how grand you are, because you discover that vulnerable doesn't mean powerless, scared doesn't mean lacking in beauty, and uncertainty doesn't mean that you're lost.

These realizations alone will set you on a journey that will take you far beyond what you used to think of as extraordinary.

There is always a bright side.

The Universe

Don't disguise your tears, Delena, don't hide your sadness, don't be afraid to find out who you really are. Because in those fleeting moments you'll summon such beauty and strength that, in no time at all, you'll fully grasp exactly why you're so gossiped about here in the unseen.

this was a comfort. combined with mr. brezsny sending me an email that my smoke alarm's going off (when i was already on the street in my robe, cat in my arms, watching the conflagration with my neighbors) it was pretty powerful.

not that i'm shedding any tears, mind you. it takes something especially strong to jerk a few tears out of me. if anything, my mind is already racing with possibilities.

all day yesterday in being vulnerable, scared, and uncertain, it didn't even occur to me to behave like the Old Delena. i didn't even "fall back" behind friendly lines, more like evacuated out of the hot zone because it was so unhealthy (once i finally admitted it to myself).

in being vulnerable, the first thing i did was ask myself "why?" --even got 2nd and 3rd opinions-- and began excising the vulnerability from my Self. not because vulnerability is a weakness; it's not. it's a powerful human experience, and keeps us in touch with many, many things. no, i excised it because it had been an avenue of serious-yet-subtle injury to myself for too long.

in being scared, i asked myself "of what?" and "why?" then i discussed with *cc* how to conquer that fear. mainly...asking dad to teach me how to wield a baton.

in feeling uncertain, i hit the ground running in search of certainties. i continue to do so even now. with *cc*'s help, a Plan is quickly forming.

and all of this can be summed up in four words; these four words made all the difference in why people didn't give up on me vs. why they not only gave up on *ds* and *ks* long ago, but pretty much threw them away as useless: i walk my talk.

the first part of walking my talk is in drawing hard lines. maintaining soft, malleable boundaries with *ds* and *ks* got me what i deserved: being screwed. my chappelle family warned me of this, but i vehemently defended the silverfoxes and said i had faith they were sincere in wanting to be better people. and i kept those soft boundaries.

which is kinda funny, because i've gotten so good at hard boundaries. for the girl who had no boundaries for the longest, letting anyone come in and violate whatever they wanted, hard and clear boundaries defended by consistency are a necessity along the path of self improvement. giving someone a chance is great. giving someone a second chance when they reveal a hopeless psychology? bad idea. this man with the hopeless psychology actually left a comment here on iGoddess about how i have "bigger issues that need to be dealt with," after a short diatribe written completely in "kicked dog." it's laughable only because he's accusing me of having the wrong issues, and because he doesn't know you can't act superior after you just tucked your tail between your legs.

the difficulty in knowing more, braving more, doing and being and seeing more is only difficult when surrounded by people on a less evolved rung of the awareness ladder. i was talking with my li'l bro *aj* the other night. he's taking flight lessons, a necessary step in his lifelong dream to becoming a fighter pilot. he was telling me how surprising it was to find out just how many airports there really are in any given area. it's a shocking number. and if you fly high enough, you can actually see many of them from your vantage point. and the longer you stay in that world of airplanes and airports and reading manuals and contacting flight control, the more you learn about how they're all connected, why they're connected, and can even point with accuracy to the location of signal towers on the ground which connect all those little airports one to the other. you might not be able to see them, so small on the ground, but you know where they are because you understand the larger network.

it's the same with self-growth. the closer to the ground you are, the less aware you are. the less you see, the less you know. you look up at the people flying in airplanes and marvel at the thought of what they can see, you admire their wisdom and courage and ability to fly. but you don't know them. you have to learn and work hard before you're ever given the ability or opportunity to fly. but you start your ascent and you realize that you see more, and you had no idea what was really out there! and you start seeing connections, and at some point you say, "they look so small down there!"

it's true. it's because they are small. they're small-minded, small-spirited, small in courage, small in imagination, small in sincerity, small in strength... they don't believe you know what you're talking about because they don't know it. they haven't experienced it. so they say you're full of shit and "have issues." it's laughable.

but i've stayed with these small people in the hopes that they were sincere in their desire to be more. in the desire that i could help them when no one else wanted to. perhaps that's my arrogance, my bad. but i've been unhealthily surrounding myself with people who just can't see --and will never see-- and wondering why it felt like such a breath of fresh air when i'd spend time with people of my caliber or higher.

speaking of a higher caliber...no, that's a post for another time.

brezsny-on-the-blog

2008-12-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): From 1987 to 2006, Alan Greenspan was Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve and a major force in shaping the world's most powerful economy. When the recent troubles hit, Congress called on him to testify. With shocking humility, he confessed that there had been a flaw in his model of reality. All those years he'd believed that "free, competitive markets are by far the unrivaled way to organize economies." Now he saw he was wrong. While I'm sorry for the collective pain his mistaken ideas have unleashed, I'm elated for him personally: How many 82-year-old men are open to the possibility that their philosophy of life needs adjustment? For that matter, how many people of any age are receptive to changing their ideas about how the world works? I invite you to take your inspiration from Greenspan, Capricorn. Be curious about how your own major theories might need revision. Doing this heroic deed will energize you with good karma and fresh mojo.

*dies laughing*

trust me, mr. brezsny. heaven's already burning to the ground.

boot to the head

2008-12-02T01:55:00.000-08:00

i remember when i was breaking up with *m* --over the couple months when i struggled with it-- *cc* and dad kept telling me that i was too generous with my heart, and forgave way too much. i kept telling them, "no, that's what you do when you love someone. i have to be true to that."

it's not quite obligatory, but it's an obligation. it's not quite duty, but it's duty-bound. it's love...and for love...you believe the impossible.

you just do.

i did it for my bio-dad; i did it for *jd* ('cause i thought it was love, oi...); i did it for big *c*; i did it for willow; i did it for richard; i did it for *m*. and i've done it for over a year for *ds* and *ks*.

*cc* tells me i never learn. she loves to tell me "i told you so." and she loves to make that gesture where you slap one hand against another, as if to say, "ima smack you upside the head. how could you be so stupid?"

and part of me always feels the recrimination. she's right. how could i be so stupid? but...how could i not? you do things for family you don't do for anyone else. you put up with tons for family you don't for anyone else. hell...i've put up with criticism and name-calling from my chappelle family because i stuck by my silverfox family. it was damn difficult.

damn difficult. ...but it's family, right? you pull off the impossible for family. and they're my family, too. unless they don't want to be. of course, that's a horse of a different ~~lie~~ color.

i really didn't want to believe it, because their transformations only a few short months ago was unbelievably amazing. and i was so proud of and excited for them. when no one else believed in them, after so many friends had deserted them, i stuck with them and loved them. in my adopted family, that loyalty cost me. but...they're family, too, so they accepted it.

it's like...the last little while, i've had suspicions, but i kept telling myself that it was just my imagination. they were so adamant about not falling backwards, and i wasn't about to precipitate the belief that i'd lost faith in them. i kept treating them like they wanted to be treated, with the maturity that they pretty much demanded i give them. and it blew up in my face. so...what do you do when it all dissolves like tissue paper in the rain? that "fuck off" was in defense against unhealthy, destructive habits. only the oblivious so viciously defend their bad habits like that. and the oblivious are usually only the unawakened.

what about when you become conscious to the point where you are embracing healthier, more constructive belief systems, and then regress to the point where it seems no progress at all has been made? forgive the catholic references, but it's the only thing that comes to mind. but it's like during the inquisition in the 14th century, when a pagan would convert to christianity and then relapse back into paganism. such a person was declared relapso or relapsa and burned at the stake. such a regression was unforgiveable...in the eyes of the church.

now, i'm not saying that it's unforgiveable. but it's the only comparison i can make. it feels just as devastating, although considering my pattern i really shouldn't be surprised. once more, in my desire to believe in the best of people i loved and cared about, it made me blind to just how stupid i was being. do i give up caring about people like that? no, obviously not. but there's an obvious problem, because i keep believing in people who end up being the wrong people. i have a serious lack of good judgement when it comes to people. i try too hard to believe they're capable of too much. ...i don't know what you would call a character flaw like that. it causes me a lot of grief. of course, the holosync student in me would tell myself that my grief is just me focusing on what i don't want: in this case, focusing on my disappointment.

i never get used to the sense of betrayal. insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. however, how the hell do i avoid this and not grow so cynical i end up not believing in anyone? people say they want help. they're sincere. i help them, they accomplish difficult and phenominal change...then when the difficult part comes...you know, the part where you have to hold the tension long enough for the old ways to die and the new life to emerge (and if you've truly been there, you know how it can feel like forever)...they let go and say "fuck it." i boost them up and say, "can't stop now!" and i get a boot to the head. i don't want to be so cynical, so removed from my heartspace and empathy. but i don't want to keep ending up in this place, either.

i tried to be supportive. i tried to be tough when they asked me to be. you know, the whole "if we seem to be slipping, give us the boot to the ass we know we need." every time i've done that, however, i've pretty much been told to fuck off in some form or other. it feels like i've been asked to simply be a fair weather friend, to support them when they're doing good, but when they're fucking up i better as hell keep my mouth shut.

love doesn't work like that.

of course, love doesn't ignore you when you say, "i feel disrespected." so i suppose i haven't been receiving love from them for a while, anyway. i wasn't looking for recourse or anything; i simply wanted to be acknowledged, to be heard. of course, in retrospect, they've been regressing far longer than i've been willing to admit, so i suppose being ignored shouldn't be all that surprising. the self-absorption kicked in long ago.

love isn't all sunshine and puppies; sometimes it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. i've grit my teeth through many a broken hallelujah. i've done it in memory of all those people who were there giving me support and believing in me. i've also worked damn hard at excising my pride, crutch of the insecure. we're talking the ego-centric pride, not the genuine pride of a job well done, or of conquering writer's block. i've done so much work, difficult and unseen, so i can continue to grow and help others i find along the path.

i never would have gotten here without people who wanted to help. i continually try and fail to express that gratitude for them.

it makes me sad. i've seen it coming. i've known for a long time it was coming. i prayed fiercely that i was wrong and looked the other way. looked for what else it might've been that i was feeling and sensing. part of it is the simple fact that, when i was sick and crazy and the world was falling apart, i had people who believed in me even when they really had no cause to. even when i was quite the queen of batshit. *ks* even jumped in the car with me so i wouldn't jump off the 205 bridge. crazy. yeah. and they were there for me when i didn't deserve it. if they hadn't, the gods only know if i'd be alive. i had to give what i'd received, to "pay it forward," i suppose. i feel a very strong desire and drive to pay it forward. i'm so grateful to the people who believed in me; they made such a difference in my life. what if i could be that difference for someone else?
on the off-chance i can, i never wanted to miss an opportunity.

i had to be there for them. it was like a calling...and it was love. and i get told to fuck off.

i'm in the wrong business. i shouldn't be helping people who are one foot in the gutter looking for enlightenment. i should be looking for people who are already firmly on the stairway to heaven and simply need company on their own way up.

i'll never make a good therapist...but i'd make a fantastic life coach.